My mother always told me that boredom is a choice. It quite vexed me as a little child to hear that after I just yelled out how bored I was feeling. To say the least, I am still vexed. Today, I am still rocking in the same boat, more now than I have felt in a very long time. I wake up at noon, have a cigarette, have brunch and then sit to wonder what else is next. To give a bit of a background to my slow routine, I am freshly out of college, freshly being used lightly in this case. I finished school a year ago so now when I say it out loud, the term freshly is quite expired.
Earlier this week I had my first internship interview for the course I studied in school and to say the least, I just went through the motions. I was not prepared for the effort it took to get out of bed, shower and leave the house all before eleven in the morning. While I was taking a shower, it took absolute willpower to not back out from going to that interview. It was a lot of willpower that is for sure.
The interview went well. I am still waiting on their response but I am hopefull. Hence the waiting game.
I feel like I have to make this clear, I am not big on new year resolutions. I cannot recall a time in the past years where I have found myself creating resolutions at the beginning of any new year. I am still at the point at which the new year is a mere continuation of the last year, most especially during the transition from new years’ eve to the beginning of the first day of a new year.
This year though might probably be the first year I decide on having a resolution because why the hell not. With no substantial reason, I will have only one resolution for myself. I choose to have one merely because it is a start.
Being a plus size girl
For those who might not know this, I am a plus size girl. For the better part of being one, I have not always embraced it as a nature. It has always sort of felt like an inadequacy. It recently came to my attention that I actually no longer mind being plus size. I have to admit, it seems to bother those around me that I am a bigger girl than most. I wish I had the understanding of why, but genuinely, I would prefer they didn’t shove their opinions on my weight down my throat.
Accepting that I am big is one thing, being comfortable overall about it is still something I am working on. I try to derive inspiration from following other plus size women online and it does help in building the general confidence I need to eventually be okay fully as a plus size girl. It has taken me quite a lot of pep talks to myself to get me to wear a dress that compliments my body and it wasn’t until this weekend at a gathering where I was absolutely unconscious of the fact that I was in a dress while out in public. I was comfortable and that was all that seemed to matter which if I may, I would consider that a good start.
My new year resolution
My resolution for the year is to grow into my acceptance of my body while loving it as it is. This means taking better care of it, appreciating it, affirming it and everything else that feels good towards it. I want to wear dresses more and look stunning in them. I want to wear hugging jeans that show my curves just enough to still feel comfortable in them. I want to feel confident with my triple D sized cups and rolled up belly. All those parts of myself that were shunned before, I want to show them, love. They deserve to be loved and appreciated. Therefore that is my one resolution for the year.
This is for those unwanting of the new year. It is for those whose uncertainties in life didn’t magically disappear just because the new year is here. It is also for those whose sadness didn’t escape them when the clock hit midnight. These little words are for you.
I haven’t felt much of anything in a brief moment. When in regard to feelings, I wanna believe that my thought trajectory is always leaning on happier feelings, feelings of light and joy. Sometimes maybe even a little bit of peace. It is the new year and I can’t seem to feel the light and love going on around the world. Do I necessarily think it’s my fault that I feel forlorn at the start of a year that is magically supposed to bring cheer, no, not really? I understand hope and faith in wanting this time around to be different but what for us who can’t seem to grasp those little motions of hoping for another year of change. I read somewhere that sometimes all in one year, one is capable of living three years in one. Can’t blame me for feeling scared that this new year might in turn bring me three years instead of one.
This is for the unprepared. These words are for the sceptic people not sure of themselves enough to find joy in the new year. This is for those still carrying remnants of the day ago year that still lingers. For those who feel their losses so immensely, the beginning of a new year would be like erasing the memory of the loved one no longer there. This is for those who would rather not sit through doing a recap of their past year for it would mean scaling back old wounds. All of this is for us who will take it a day at a time as always.
Hello Hello little angels… That’s what I would be calling you if people actually read my blog but majority just don’t know what their missing…(my subconscious has started off the new year a little obnoxious 🙄)…Anyways, Happy New Year guys. I hope your year ended with glamour and excitement for the new year. Mine wasn’t anything fancy as it always is. I was in my home wrapped up with a warm blanket on the couch and when the clock hit twelve, my family said a prayer to welcome the new year and that was that.
So I don’t really feel different despite it being a new year but, I do intend to change a couple things about myself over the year that I hope to achieve and experience.Let’s be honest here, nobody experienced any drastic changes the minute the new year begun so let’s not play ourselves by saying we already feel different and all that crap… I don’t believe it works like that.
I didn’t make new year’s resolutions. I tried it last year and they were long forgotten before the first three months so I settled with the fact that it’s just not my thing. Though I chose to instead make a to-do list for the new year. There is a very distinct difference with resolutions which are things one chooses to change and do differently from the previous years.I’m calling this my year of blooming 🏵. I want this year to be the year I let loose a little and stop being so stuck up as well as cooped up in my shell. The first couple things are a little basic but they are still things I want to do. For starters, I want to open a bank account for myself. Yes, it’s my first bank account 😐, please don’t act so surprised for y’all who opened theirs early. I wanna save up for some of the other things I want to do over the year. Second and very important thing I want to do is learn how to swim. Que the shock sound track 🥁….😱😱yes ,I don’t know how to swim to save my life, literally and figuratively 🤥.I can not so proudly say that I have been in a swimming pool only once in my life and that was possibly over ten years ago. I definitely need to learn how to swim for that mere reason.
For the exciting part of me blooming, you gotta know my sexual life won’t be a miss in this 😋. So I am gonna make a confession here that probably only two people know about. I am highly attracted to slightly older guys. This is not a case of sugar daddies and stuff, nah…. Don’t get it twisted. I am currently twenty years old and if I had to choose between my prospects of whom I would date between a guy my age and a guy who is in the age group of twenty six to thirty, the younger guy goes. There are a couple of reasons why I find slightly older guys more promising than guys my age. I won’t really go into detail of why but we gotta give it to them, they are more appealing and mature. Not petty and not as intrigued by meager things like weed. Yes, I said it…its unappealing to me how all that seems to matter to guys my age is how good they can roll a blunt or how many blunts they can smoke in a day. It’s anything but sexy to me. I’m looking for a man enough to give me a child and one sober enough to raise one. I haven’t had an experience with a slightly older guy before but with this being my blooming year ,it’s definitely something I want to give a shot at. This will probably sound cliche’ as it can get but this girl needs a MAN in her life.
Finally, I want blooming for me to really get me out of my shell. I am not the most extroverted person. I can be social but I cower away when I feel intimidated by a certain group of people or too many strangers and it doesn’t help that I enjoy my solitude a little bit more than I should. I want to get out a little bit more, make more friends (worth my while kind of friends). I want to most especially travel more and visit new places. I am turning twenty one this year and it feels a lot like the year when the universe gives you a wake up call that you don’t have forever to sit on your dreams and aspirations and I’m gonna accept that call. I want to go out to a club and have a couple drinks and dance my very stiff body….Again ,yes 🙄I have not been to a single club or house party since I joined campus. For one, that’s not my social scene ;I am too scared to go on my own 😣 and I don’t have fun friends to accompany me. I want to go in a not too skimpy dress 👗 and get buzzed🍸 and sway my body to whatever beat that’s playing in the club. All these are how I want my new year to be. This is how I want to bloom. Am a ripe tiger lily waiting for the morning so I can let loose my petals to the beautiful morning sunshine and my sunshine is the beginning of the new year. I welcome you along to enjoy with me this beautiful new experiences I want to venture in and I can assure you, you won’t miss out on a thing. 😜