…Take it down a notch

Today I had a very meaningful conversation with a close friend of mine who really got me seeing things a little better than I was previously. This year I turn twenty-one and it’s been one of the most exciting feelings I have had. I don’t exactly have a special reason for feeling this about turning 21 years but it’s always felt like the bridge I needed to cross into fully embracing growth & adulting. Though, I didn’t think it would come this fast but here I am now.

The conversation I had today felt & legitimately was those eye opening kind of conversations that sorta are life changing in some way but you gotta internalize what exactly you want to change. This is me internalizing.

I got to see a certain aspect differently and it got me thinking…I got my first tattoo newly right after highschool at eighteen and it’s not your average kind of thing for someone newly just legal and still living entirely under their parents supervision. At least not in Kenya that is. Apart from that, it’s not really a secret that I am a bit vast in sex technically…

p.s It’s a bit embarrassing saying it like that. So anyway, simply what I’m trying to point out is that I have experienced and done quite a couple things that a larger majority of people my age have not and I have always known that about myself & felt good about it. Despite it all, today I got to feel that maybe I just might have grown up a little bit faster than I should have initially done.

In my case, I believe I gained a lot of freedom being raised for the past seven years by my dad alone. Him being a very cool down to earth kind of guy didn’t really put pressure on either me or my sister in those couple years we have been just the three of us. Honestly, I knew my father wouldn’t fret about me getting a tattoo cause we had come to a cordial understanding that after I completed highschool, whatever decision I would make that would be major or life changing would completely fall on me. I would be sourly responsible for it and take full responsibility of the consequences as well. For that, I am sourly grateful for his trust in me to make right choices for myself.

With turning twenty one, a lot of things feel quite overwhelming for me. I’m at a point in my life, everything feels like its moving a tad too fast for me. I’ve always sorta known that I was an early maturer, not just physically but mentally and intellectually as well. I think cause of that fact, I have missed a couple of stages I should have rightfully experienced according to age. When I say that I feel like everything is moving a tad too fast for me its not necessarily in the Kylie Jenner kind of way of owning a multi million business. This is completely personal for me. I have given a lot of priority to so many things that shouldn’t have exactly been a priority for me at this exact period of time. I have just recently honestly decided to quit worrying too much about getting a child at this exact age and getting a father for that child along with it. I have previously expressed my yearning for having my own child and how much I can’t wait to be a mum and it took quite a lot of therapy and advice to tone it down and see it wasn’t the piece of cake I thought it would be. Again, I was so driven by my yearning to get a child and it made me reckless in wanting a partner. I felt like I needed to put myself out there and shuffle through different ways of meeting potential men worth being life partners and possible baby daddies. All this, I have been doing while being between nineteen years old & recently turning twenty.

This year was my year of blooming and it drove me to be so sexually curious about so much. I have been going kink crazy, even as far as going on a date with a dominant man. All this is what I’m simply summing up as all the things I have been busy going nuts over trying to get done and I have not had a chance to simply enjoy being young and not worrying so much. The conversation I had gave me a chance to see that maybe I should allow myself to take it down a notch and simply live. I’ve been racing with time cause I wanted to start popping babies early and it’s pushed to trying to get the right guy and honestly now that I think about it, I’ve been running around like a headless chicken trying to get things done before I age too fast. Its not easy for me to just simply up and drop everything I have been so intent on achieving. It’s overwhelming now when I realize I need to live and be young and just be twenty years old.

I believe a lot of things of how I have been growing beyond my time would be different if my mum was around. I don’t mean to say that my life choices suck or I’m a wreck cause I don’t have her around ,what I mean to say is, had I had her with me, my life would be completely different in every aspect and I have always known that. Now that I know and want to slow down, I am grateful to have had that eye opening moment to learn that I shouldn’t rush life and should take it a step at a time. This for me, is what I now truly feel as me blooming and growing. ✌🏿

Daddy turns Fifty Five. 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎊🎊🎊

First of all, am writing this a few hours before my dad’s birthday. I am writing this now cause I have so much to write about my main man and I feel like I don’t want to stand the chance to loose a single detail. This post is sourly dedicated to my father. I don’t know where to start when it comes to even having words that give emphasis on how much my father is the most amazing, most admirable, most loving, most caring and my biggest reason for living. All those characters of his are him for me. This isn’t about trying to compare anyone else’s dad, I just want the rest of the world to see who he is through my eyes.

My father and I have always been very close since I was a little girl. I might not have the most vivid memory but he was my dad in all the greatest ways. He would come home and if he was chewing but didn’t have extra gum with him, yeah, you know it, he gave me the gum in his mouth. That was my father for me. My dad often talks about how my sister and I were as kids ,especially the poop stories 😁😁 where he changed all our diapers. My father is the sweetest man I have met. He is my life and I say that with the utmost honesty and sincerity that it’s in me. Six years ago, I never would have thought that there would come a time I would survive without my mum or even not try cut short my life in multiple instances just so I could quit feeling hollow. My father picked me up figuratively without his knowledge. At first we were a fucking mess. None of us could see eye to eye and I guess that’s how we sort of both grieved cause we had no idea what we were meant to do with each other after we lost our source of strength, faith and life. But slowly we picked each other up and became the three musketeers. It’s now Dad, Harriet and I against the world.

My father is both my mother and father. I say this because the morning of my mum’s burial, we sat down in my parent’s bedroom and I remember it felt unreal. We were picking out my mum’s clothes that she would be buried in and I recall my dad telling that from now onwards he would be both our father and mother. Then I thought that he probably was saying that cause he needed to assure that despite the turmoil we were all feeling then, he wasn’t gonna give up on us. How many fathers would do that for their kids?? How many fathers would stick around and raise a fourteen year old and eighteen old whom he hardly ever saw eye to eye with and go through with it without sucking at it not once. I am fucking crying right now because my father is my hero in more ways than one. He has never failed once to be there for us and give us everything he could. He put aside his needs so my sister and I could get the best. I adore my father and I probably have repeated this to my sister that on my wedding day, I will probably go back with my father because I can’t imagine being able to stay away and start another family without him. My life is non existent without him. Every waking moment I breathe, I do so with the fear that I might loose him and scares me shitless .

“Dad, you are my world, my reason of living and the best person in my life. If I could have one wish, it would be to never go a day without you. I am always going to be your little girl and I wouldn’t be fucking breathing if I didn’t have you with me and Harriet too. Thank you, I can’t even say it enough to appreciate how much you have done. From building us a home and being my source of peace, tranquility and immense happiness. For being my safe haven. I love you beyond the moon and stars. Beyond the universe. Your always gonna be the first man in my life and the best Father that lives. Nothing will ever change my adoration for you. I love you always. “❤❤❤❤

P. S I am crying mess right now, I would go on and praise my father for who he is but words are not enough. Happy birthday dad. I hope you love my present for you tomorrow on your birthday.

4th of December . My present to my dad. Is 👇. I am Daddy’s Young Lady. Right above my mum’s tattoo.