I smoke among the dead at night…

I smoke among the dead at night. Most people would be shaken at the thought of that mere occurrence but I’m not. When I think of it now, I wonder why that little aspect of things has never really phased me considering I have been out there at the wee hours of the morning. My mind has fears of its own, dead people just isn’t one of them.

Maybe it is the silence that calms me. It sure isn’t the cigarettes I’m taking twice a night and four times a day. Or maybe it could be the darkness of the dead of night that gives me a sense of resemblance. It shows me that the darkness inside couldn’t possibly be that scary, at least not scary enough to stop me from staring at it alone, with the company of the seven gravesites in the backyard of my balcony. How about, it could also be that those dead folks who are buried there can feel my silent screams from the inside every night as I exhale the smoke out of my lungs. I try not to cough, we have a no sound policy out there when it’s just our souls that seem to come alive.

I hope they know of the nights that I wish I was in there with them, buried under the soil to where it is said to be peaceful. The adage, ‘’rest in peace’’ had to have had a mild relevance to the fact that besides your soul, your body and mind too can rest on the ground six feet under where not a beep of the darkness of depression can touch you. I smoke in the midst of the dead. I feel nothing and everything the darkness has to offer. I welcome it with open arms just as I do with every inhale and exhale of the cigarettes that lay print of their smoke in the middle of my fingers.

My underlying darkness….

What scares you the most about yourself? What’s that one aspect that you know deep down brings you shivers just thinking of it especially if you tapped into it? Well, I don’t expect all of you to have one but I sure do know I have mine.

If there is one thing I have really never been good at is explaining it out to people what kind of a person I am. I’m never quite certain whether I’m an introvert or whether am shy because as much as most times I do feel introverted or shy, it’s not all the time and that’s what makes it really hard to explain what kind of person I am.Hence forth ,I’ll be sure not to give a definite answer to that question in relation to myself. Though, despite it all, I do have one thing I’m largely certain about..its the dark aura I’m surely aware I’m drawn to. Can’t really tell when I realized that it’s quite a significant aspect about myself that doesn’t stand out to my public side but more of my very personal side. Maybe it was from the times as a child I never truly felt like I fit in with others because my aura naturally was withdrawn from everyone or it could be the countless times I looked up dark aesthetics on Pinterest felt a sense of contentment or it could be when I truly learned & felt what depression feels like especially when it’s looking you straight in the face with your reflection on it. Or maybe, just maybe, it was when I first felt the need for my death. I can’t quite place where I first felt the dark aura that looms and lurks somewhere at the back of my mind.

Having it doesn’t always mean I’m always consciously aware of it. Most people wouldn’t even tell that’s it there with me because it hasn’t taken root in my public scene. Though despite it being hidden, I can certainly say that it has affected other different aspects of myself like with the kind of man I want as a partner & spouse, with the type of sexual intrigue that appeals to me, to maybe I finding black quite naturally a beautiful colour and even as far as my career choice as well as other countless other things I’m still learning about myself .It sure is a part of me ,that I know. Question is, am I afraid of it…??

Would you be afraid of you being a joyous person or an extroverted person? Same case applies here.Do I have reason to be afraid that I am closeted dark goddess in the inside, not to me at least.. Its thrilling to be honest. It’s like my connection to my alter ego.The darkness I feel makes the public me completely worlds apart from the private . Its the bridge that divides two very different aspects of myself. It actually makes me happy to be different and it makes me yearn to connect to people I don’t often conform to on a normal basis. It allows me to intellectually think differently from most people and I gain momentum from that.

The most its ever been outwardly prominent is when I was struggling with my depression a couple months ago. To be quite honest, I was scared of it then cause I didn’t quite know how to maneuver around with it without letting suck me in. Pardon me for making it sound a lot like a spirit but then, it sorta felt like one. Most times people who haven’t experienced any kind of mental illness can’t quite understand what I mean but for someone who has remotely struggled with any sort of mental illness would know. I believe it’s different for everyone who’s been at that dark low point of their lives. Well, for me it was also quite a messy experience. It wasn’t the dark aura that I feel now, it was intoxicatingly dangerous. It fed off my fears and insecurities quite a lot and it suffocated me slowly from the inside out. It got me so low, low to the point suicide wasn’t too far fetched . It convinced me there was not much light at the end of the tunnel. Left me nursing separation anxiety and general anxiety of when things take the slightly turn for the worst. It got darker than it should have.

For now, I have it in check. I wouldn’t wanna change it about myself for anything. It makes me feel special and its unique having it and knowing its something that’s a part of you. I’m still on edge with loosing myself too much in it but I keep it at bay. It’s my year to bloom everything about myself, even the dark.. ✌🏿

They Come out to play in the 🌃.

Hey, it’s been a while. I didn’t mean for it to be so long since I wrote ,but well.. Life happens. I am uncertain about what exactly I wanna write about and whether I will have a fin for it. Nothing much has happened and I guess that’s the problem. It’s the problem because when I am idle, my mind turns into a play field for my demons.They have laid low for a while now, they know best to come out and play at night. It gets overwhelming but what can I do, I can’t fight.On some nights, they pull an all nighter on me and all I can do is sit through the torment of wanting to hurt myself and feel how raw pain can get.I don’t know what to do about it and whether I have a shot of not completely self destructing. But the scariest part & probably the most twisted is that I may not want to get rid of them. I have this yearning inside to feel pain, the kind of pain that’s heartwretching. They scream in my mind so loud sometimes and they shout how much I deserve and need this pain. They are like a mermaid’s siren, they sound so enticing yet so dark. I am enthralled by my pain and I don’t know whether to be scared of it or to embrace it.It’s lonely inside. My mind. It’s like a dark void sometimes that doesn’t have life in it. It’s no longer numb, now I seem to crave the pain and self inflicted turmoil going on inside. Maybe it’s because it’s all I have that’s actually mine. Though it seeks a companion. It seeks someone to wrap itself around and envelope. It’s seeks someone to share itself with and probably discuss on how to slowly turn me into a loon over a cup of ‘coffee ‘.It twistedly seeks love but not any kind of love. It seeks a damaged soul just like mine. My demons won’t settle for normal. They yearn for someone dark minded and one who feels just as much as I do. A love so deep yet so deranged. The kind that’s so intoxicating yet too intimate. The kind thats obsessive over each other because they not only relate: they intertwine like a gush of air to dry lungs. It seeks a demon of its own kind. And I hope he is out there, I hope he feels as twisted as I do inside and that my demons are loud enough to call his just so I can finally have someone who understands me without trying to judge or change me because he will know how much comfort pain can give when it’s the only thing you have.Nothing anymore offers me comfort. Nothing anymore is a safe haven for me. Not even my therapist. Nobody understands and am not saying this to sate any cliché messed up life statements people throw around. I say it because it’s what it is. Its exhausting having to explain every darn time so I choose to keep it. Not even my closest partner or roommate sees it. That’s how good i’ve gotten at concealing the darkness that’s inside my mind. It lurks within the walls of my head, careful not to peek beyond it’s boundaries. I no longer have control of my thoughts and all am allowed to feel and draw in is pain and numbness. It’s no longer when I tried or thought I tried fighting it, now, I just wait on it. I won’t tell you what to think of me when any of you will read this. Its no longer my will to keep trying to explain. I have embraced it and maybe if am lucky enough, it will leave on its own and I won’t have to be dragged down to the depths of my self created hell. ✌P.s Don’t be blinded by my smiles on my photos, nobody said anything about demons not being smilers.

My demons make me special

I have realized something about myself recently that’s been constantly in my head and I don’t have an actual understanding of whether it’s normal for it to happen as it is to me. I don’t exactly know what I feel anymore concerning a lot of things. Let me rephrase that, I don’t know anymore when it concerns my depression and whether it’s still there or not. Am not exactly your happy champ nor am I sulking in a pool of wallow. I feel a lot more of numbness and i am not sure whether to be worried about it. I know that my depression is still lurking in my mind and it’s toying with my emotions every once in a while. I know for sure it’s there because it’s a constant thought in my mind. I am not exactly phased by the fact that I am slowly growing numb to my emotions and I am not breaking down but instead am just not reacting as I was earlier. Now it feels like am a bystander who just watches their life loose meaning to them and not have the simple life pleasures I wish I could like happiness and joy. But what scares me the most to top it all of, I don’t mind the numbness.

I have also very recently become a cynical person. I like the damage and the aura of pain that’s around me. Not sure what that exactly makes me but I sure do know it’s not a good thing. I am no longer scared of writhing in emotional pain and psychological turmoil. I feel like I am holding on it for some reason. Maybe it’s because it’s the only thing that’s mine and that’s not trying to leave me or abandon me. As crazy as this may sound, I appreciate having something that’s mine and that is not exactly being with me forcefully. It actually seems like it likes sticking around.This is what makes me such a sinister human being and I know it doesn’t portray a good image. If I were to make a headline it would probably sound something along this lines ‘Depressed Mercy holds on to pain despite it breaking her and news flash, she doesn’t mind as much ‘...I will probably receive a lot of judgement from those who will read this because they probably don’t understand why I would not fight to loose my depression and heal.They just don’t understand that healing will mean normalcy, it will mean me loosing what at the moment makes me feel special and wanted. When you have had your fair share of looses, you’d understand why I am holding on to the one thing that’s not looking for a reason to leave me. I am full of shit and now to add icing to the ‘cake’ that’s my messed up mind, all I feel for myself is self pity. I am so full of it it’s ozing off me in torrents. I feel so sorry for myself for the life I am living, for the poor excuse of a person I have become and for the fact that I can’t be good enough to keep someone long enough to love me. Sad isn’t it, that this is what I have been reduced to. Not feeling anything other than self pity. Well I guess when I decided to take it a day at a time, I didn’t exactly realize my life would slowly be turning into a joke right before my eyes. ✌

Chronicles of my Emotions… Chapter four…..I just need to rest.

I am sure you probably forgot about the chronicles or maybe you haven’t read about it which is fine too. I for sure had somewhat forgotten .Well today was a fruitful ,tense and informative part of the day you know since the day ain’t over yet. Fruitful because I learned that when I thought my problems were already layed out there, I found out I got a whole bunch of other stuff stucked up in the closet that’s my childhood. Tense because I was not mentally and emotionally ready to have all that laid on my shoulders but I took it like ‘a man’.I guess we can’t always escape our past. Informative because I appreciate that I am no longer in the dark about myself when it comes to some aspects that affect me in my life.

Two days later….

It’s one of those days. Those days when all I can concentrate on is the constant ache in my chest that won’t seem to go away and becomes more prominent when I am alone. It’s like it can sense I am not distracted and am void at that moment and there it swallows any glimmer of happiness, joy,peace ,tranquility I was holding on to. I started writing this two days ago but stopped in the middle because I couldn’t go on. My chest or my heart felt too heavy and my body, soul and mind were at a complete burn out. It’s become a norm for me to be exhausted. It’s become a norm for me to sink deeper into this pain and agony that’s not visible to both sight and touch. All it does ,is make me tired, sad, unhappy, pained and just utterly drained. I no longer feel like all the good things in life are farfetched but I feel like they are now non existent for me. I want to give up. God it feels like its the best option right now. As long as I can quit feeling this void inside that’s streaming in on a constant ,giving up feels like my only option at the moment.

Sadly I am back to having dark thoughts. I don’t even have the energy to feel bad about having them thoughts anymore because before I wasn’t worn out like I am now. Before I had motivation to push a little farther until I got better. Now I don’t see that light at the end of the tunnel anymore.Now I don’t feel like its worth fighting, not when it seems like my life is one bad twist after the other. When I think I am making progress, I fall back down like I never stood up in the first place. Everything is going slowly and I wish my will to push myself further was present even if it’s just for a while. Now all I want to do is make it stop. Close my eyes and just let it stop. I honestly never thought depression could eat me up this hard, I thought that maybe all my life yeah I would have my low moments but I didn’t picture it to be hitting far than just rock bottom. I just need it to stop. Please let it stop. Let me stop it, for my sake. Don’t hurt when it stops for I will be at peace then. I won’t hurt anymore ,I just need to rest it and stop for a while. ✌

..Wounded Healer

Well here goes nothing… Been a while since I wrote. Been a while since I did a lot of things. I’ve had a really hard and hectic couple of weeks and men has it been messed up 😧. Every time I intended to write I would have an anxiety attack and couldn’t bring myself to face that I was in a black 🕳. I don’t really even know where I would start if I decided to explain what I have been dealing with. The perks are that depression and anxiety are real and they push you to lengths that you are incapable of thinking straight.You don’t have the normalcy you hold every other day of your life. Happiness, joy, tranquility and stability tend to be extremely farfetched in those moments and sometimes you drown in all that but don’t necessarily die so it’s continuous. You wish to talk to someone, just one person to understand you and wish to help you pick up your pieces because at that very moment you’re crumbled to bits of who you were before. You want that person to listen and tell you not just once that things will get better but to walk you through getting there because then your like a baby learning how to walk all over again.

I had emotional breakdowns whenever I was alone because all I wanted was to sink farther in my bed and just drown in the sorrow I was feeling. There are moments when I would feel okay but whenever a memory of pain or sorry would sneak it’s way in, It would be like a snap of a finger and I would turn into a shell of person. Depression got me screaming on the inside but was too exhausted to bother about it on the outside.It got me presumably to start having thoughts of self harm 😔. That was my ‘hit rock bottom moment ‘.I knew then that I needed to talk to someone else about it and preferably a therapist. Best choice I had made in a while.

In my luck, those thoughts of harming myself only went as far as thoughts and it’s thanks to my sister. She has been my greatest anchor, only she knew what went on behind our closed doors. My therapist was finally the shimmer of light I was looking for, she became more than just my therapist but my friend who understood and she has a special place in my nearly destroyed heart. She pointed me in the direction that I could get better and she took my hand and walked with me. She makes me see that I can be happy with myself and with my insecurities too. She reminds me everyday that life is a step at a time,I probably knew that, I was just taking life in fifty steps instead. My friend as I like to call her is the other clutch I was looking for and I am happy I found her.

I am still going to therapy every once a week and it’s opened my mind to a whole lot about my life and how to deal with the things I go through. My therapist/friend has taught me to enjoy the simple pleasures of life and I am learning that for me knitting is one of them too. I haven’t thought about hurting myself for a week now and that to me is progress I never thought I would make. So I am grateful. Mental health is not something that should be downplayed like it is by so many people. Going through anxiety should not be a normal for anyone and neither should depression. I still have those moments where it’s hard to pick myself up but I am grateful for my family and my therapist because I am able to be motivated to pick myself up for me and for those I love. I am a wounded healer.

p.s If you got anything at all you may be going through, don’t hesitate to text me if you want to have that friend I never had and kept looking for. I’m always open to help someone else from dealing with mental health issues. Please don’t downplay it and assume it thinking it will go away. It will always hover like a dark cloud in your mind and when your most weak, it will creep back like it never left. ✌..And a beautiful picture of me 😁.