Tag Archives: #depression

What I have become 😳

Well, I just recently realized (half a minute ago) that all I ever dwell on when it comes to me wanting to write is what I have been going through lately. Anxiety & depression and all the sappiness that comes with my sad stories. Probably it’s not interesting for those who take time to read but as I much as I wish I had something better to blog about,anxiety is my reality. For now at least.

It’s been better for me lately. Previously not so long ago,my life felt a lot like drowning on the inside was the order of the day for me. Falling in and out of depression &anxiety was slowly and sadly becoming a norm for. I don’t want to really delve on the reasons why it’s been easier for me now because for one I am not sure whether it’s gonna last or it’s just be for a while. It’s scary when I really think about the consequences of the little glimmer of hope I am holding on to that’s preventing me from falling off the rails again. I feel like I might just be putting a little bit too much pressure on my current source of peace, happiness, tranquility & mental stability in thinking that it will last with me forever. It might just slip off my fingers. All in all ,this is a sign enough for me to know am not completely getting over anxiety because anxiety for me stems from fear. I feed so deep into my fears of the unknown that they bring out false realities and camouflage themselves as possible outcomes.

This is what I have become. I seat on the edge of my emotions simple waiting for whatever bubble buster that’s going to pop the small reason of sanity I have been holding on to. I may not necessarily be dealing with the anxiety in the same intensity I was previously but I can’t help but admit it still lurks in the shadows of my mind. On a daily I learn something new about anxiety that I probably portrayed but was oblivious to.Its all sometimes overwhelming thinking about it. I could spend all my time racking my brain on what anxiety is doing to me and come up with all possible reasons why I will never seem to get rid of it. It’s no longer just about letting the world know that this actually happens to people but it’s about letting people know sometimes I just don’t know anymore. For instance now I have in some form alienated myself from my friends and even those closest to me have not an absolute clue of probably why I am not talking to them. I too don’t know why I am not talking to them cause probably I feel like even when it’s comes to the general stuff, they won’t understand me so I find no need to converse with them. But then again, I do want them to be there for me, understanding or not. That entire controversy of not really knowing what it is I want is what I have become.

There is also a good side to the multiple perks of what I have become. I have found new sources of happiness that even for those small moments I am able to do them, I am distracted in a good way. I am able to engage myself in acts that bring me joy. Knitting is for one. It first came as a thought to me when I was dealing with baby fever and I thought why not start knitting baby clothes for my soon to be little one.I didn’t have a clue on where to start but YouTube came in handy and so when I started dealing with depression, I chose to engross myself fully in it. Then again, I have been very interested in cooking more. I wasn’t the greatest fan of it before but now I keep looking up recipes on Pinterest that are cheap and easy to cook. So I still have something despite how little it is to be grateful for. My hope is that I can delve more on the more positive perks than on the negative and become better at them. ✌

Chronicles of my Emotions.. chapter two

So I am beginning to counter check everything in my head from my thoughts, to how I write and whether it’s good enough or catchy enough for those who read, that’s if anyone reads anymore because I no longer think they do which in all honesty makes me sad. My emotions are centered on how I wish I could be this perfect writer and how I want to be more expressive through my post and let the world know in depth how much it is I am going through dealing with depression and anxiety. I don’t know if it’s normal to want that from others because it feels a lot like I am becoming needy of something I am not obligated to get. I feel quite the need to have their empathy, understanding and support that I am not in this case receiving from anyone other than my therapist. My need to have assurance that I’m not alone and despite them not fully grasping what it is I am going through, they at least will be caring enough to wanna stick around and ‘hold my hand ‘ through it you know… Guess I am looking for the right people in the wrong crowd.

Or maybe it’s just my codependency issues kicking in that’s giving me all this neediness.(This is exactly what I mean when I say have to counter check all my possible options of everything I do).Maybe I am not just be looking for that understanding friend, I am looking for a clutch, an anchor to grasp when I am falling off the rails that is currently my emotional state of mind. Is it such a bad thing that the latter might actually just be what it is I am looking for and that’s whats making me so damn needy for attention . Attention is exactly what it is in bold and clear words. Attention, sympathy, care, concern, affection, worry, name it in whatever words you would like. That’s exactly what it is I feel the need to have from those around me at that moment.

I just read a fellow writer’s posts on Word press and her writings are about mental health and her experiences of how they affect her on a daily basis. Her writing is on another level to be truly honest. She has a precision and bold truthfulness that is just mesmerizing to read in her post. Her expression of what she goes through is literally so raw and honest in such a beautiful way, it just oozes jealousy from me, the good kind. The kind that makes me wish I could write like that and be so raw in an epic way like that.She is on the current my favourite writer on Word Press @Seedsinthewasteland.

I am truly learning a lot from her post. It’s making me conscious of all the other possible things that I assume are habits of normal nature but may be as a result of my anxiety and depression.Like fiddling with my hands, pulling off any trace of dead skin on the ridges of my fingers..yadda yadda yadda.. If so, I don’t know whether to be more worried about the fact that I may have more than just emotional consequences to my anxiety but now I also gotta deal with unconscious physical consequences. Well, who knows. I want to solve all my problems at one go but I guess that’s where I keep failing.

Now I feel relieved for writing that post and it’s lunch time for me. Lunch time is like a compulsory dose of medicine I can’t skip.(..okay I just made that up). I hope for today I don’t have another rollercoaster of emotions that will lead me to make another post because I already feel like a pile of shit with what I am dealing with so if you (depression) really need to sulk me further today, do it to cater enough for tomorrow so I won’t have to keep splitting my post to ease you off of me all the damn time,there is only so much of you that I can take. ✌

Chronicles of my Emotions… Chapter one gallo🙁

I am in a lot of doubt of whether I will be able to complete this post but I will try. Welcome to the Chronicles of my emotions and I guess you could say this is chapter one. My inability to complete this post will likely be because I will tap so deep into my depression and I will have to feel it all through writing to be able to release the thoughts of my emotions as raw as they are to me.

My most dominant emotion is in sorta of a fix. Frustration is one of them… and anger, hurt and pain and vulnerability too add it up. Frustration because I just came to terms that I am not be making progress as I thought in being emotionally stable as I thought I was. Oh,I remember, I mentioned that before because I haven’t been stable for quite a while now. I guess sarcasm is one way to lighten up however fucked up I probably feel.

I just buried my grandma today. Let’s say I am not good with handling loss of loved ones very well anymore. I haven’t acknowledged that she is no longer with us and that I will probably never see her again. That’s where my emotion of pain comes in, I am hurt because I can’t change the unchangeable. I am well aversed with denial right now because that’s exactly it for me. Denial.When I get to acceptance, I will give it a good cry. I need to let it out in torrents,i just wish it would happen sooner than later. I still got a lot to write about but for now I am just tired, mentally, physically and emotionally.

Be thankful for when you are healthy and happy. It doesn’t always come easy for everyone else. ✌

..Wounded Healer

Well here goes nothing… Been a while since I wrote. Been a while since I did a lot of things. I’ve had a really hard and hectic couple of weeks and men has it been messed up 😧. Every time I intended to write I would have an anxiety attack and couldn’t bring myself to face that I was in a black 🕳. I don’t really even know where I would start if I decided to explain what I have been dealing with. The perks are that depression and anxiety are real and they push you to lengths that you are incapable of thinking straight.You don’t have the normalcy you hold every other day of your life. Happiness, joy, tranquility and stability tend to be extremely farfetched in those moments and sometimes you drown in all that but don’t necessarily die so it’s continuous. You wish to talk to someone, just one person to understand you and wish to help you pick up your pieces because at that very moment you’re crumbled to bits of who you were before. You want that person to listen and tell you not just once that things will get better but to walk you through getting there because then your like a baby learning how to walk all over again.

I had emotional breakdowns whenever I was alone because all I wanted was to sink farther in my bed and just drown in the sorrow I was feeling. There are moments when I would feel okay but whenever a memory of pain or sorry would sneak it’s way in, It would be like a snap of a finger and I would turn into a shell of person. Depression got me screaming on the inside but was too exhausted to bother about it on the outside.It got me presumably to start having thoughts of self harm 😔. That was my ‘hit rock bottom moment ‘.I knew then that I needed to talk to someone else about it and preferably a therapist. Best choice I had made in a while.

In my luck, those thoughts of harming myself only went as far as thoughts and it’s thanks to my sister. She has been my greatest anchor, only she knew what went on behind our closed doors. My therapist was finally the shimmer of light I was looking for, she became more than just my therapist but my friend who understood and she has a special place in my nearly destroyed heart. She pointed me in the direction that I could get better and she took my hand and walked with me. She makes me see that I can be happy with myself and with my insecurities too. She reminds me everyday that life is a step at a time,I probably knew that, I was just taking life in fifty steps instead. My friend as I like to call her is the other clutch I was looking for and I am happy I found her.

I am still going to therapy every once a week and it’s opened my mind to a whole lot about my life and how to deal with the things I go through. My therapist/friend has taught me to enjoy the simple pleasures of life and I am learning that for me knitting is one of them too. I haven’t thought about hurting myself for a week now and that to me is progress I never thought I would make. So I am grateful. Mental health is not something that should be downplayed like it is by so many people. Going through anxiety should not be a normal for anyone and neither should depression. I still have those moments where it’s hard to pick myself up but I am grateful for my family and my therapist because I am able to be motivated to pick myself up for me and for those I love. I am a wounded healer.

p.s If you got anything at all you may be going through, don’t hesitate to text me if you want to have that friend I never had and kept looking for. I’m always open to help someone else from dealing with mental health issues. Please don’t downplay it and assume it thinking it will go away. It will always hover like a dark cloud in your mind and when your most weak, it will creep back like it never left. ✌..And a beautiful picture of me 😁.

Help Me

I thought I understood why people harm themselves before but I guess I was wrong. I want to hurt myself to take this ache away, to distract me from myself and the throbbing in my chest. I don’t want to hurt myself but I can’t seem to keep the thought out of my mind.. I am no longer happy with myself and I feel broken. I want someone to help me before I loose myself.

To say I don’t know if I am capable of being helped is an understatement. I am disappointed in myself for wanting to hurt myself and having the thought in the first place. It’s been six years since I cried as hard as I did yesterday and I still feel the need to. I don’t want to hurt myself just as much as I don’t want to hurt those who love me… I keep wringing my hands because of the anxiety I feel. I don’t want to look at knives because I am scared I might just do something stupid. I feel like I no longer have control of my own mind and it’s scary for me .I am so so afraid of even being alone. I thought I was okay and now I feel like I just want to keep crying.

Peace feels so farfetched right now. It’s hard. It’s hard to carry all my emotions right now. I want, no I need help. I need to get better.

I can’t go back there

…I am certainly overwhelmed by a lot of things right now. I feel tired and mentally and emotionally unstable because I feel like I am crawling back into a dark pit I fought so hard to get out from. It’s sad because I didn’t realise that I still had those feelings in my mind where my insecurities and doubts could surface and take over like they did. I am no stranger to depression, anxiety and withdraw.I know how hard it took for me to accept and handle that last year and I can’t go back there. I am so fucking scared right now that I am slowly seeping back into feeling unworthy of love and questioning myself just because I probably rushed into a relationship I wasn’t ready to handle: my expectations being rejected.

Its sounds petty and that is exactly what makes me feel I failed in not being good enough for it and now I am slowly breaking and feeling claustrophobic when with people and it sucks. Now am sitted in bed and all I want is to sink further in my bed and escape everything and everyone. For the first time ever I have had some dark thoughts cross my mind but I don’t want to allow myself to hurt me. I am not really sure why I am writing this, maybe it’s to finally come to terms that I am not okay.

My resolve

My whole resolve of what I want in a relationship is commitment. Do I have it all wrong and jumping into conclusion that I am not good enough anymore and that’s why you never there? Is this me jumping into conclusion that you no longer look at me the same, that the sparkle in your eyes no longer lights up for me like it did?I am so far behind in your mind that you don’t recall to say hi. Maybe I’m not as innocent too because my mind keeps reeling from whether your worth it anymore. Worth my patience and my feelings. Don’t take it wrong, I want to stick around and be there. There there, not there to be forgotten or assumed but to be acknowledged and loved. To be remembered as a part of you and not as your cuddle buddy. It’s not too much to ask is it, that I want things to be different. I don’t want you to be different.Maybe I simply don’t want you anymore. Maybe I want someone who will be there and not keep me in the shadows like a dark secret. It’s no longer up-to you for me to wait, patience has never really been a virtue of mine anyways. I know you care, you just don’t care enough. No need to beat ourselves up over spilt milk, we buy new milk in a new packet. I guess I cared too, just not enough to be pushed farther away everyday.

My resolve is I cared, just not enough to question my self worth for you and whether being good enough to watch you slip is strength or weakness. We cared,then.✌

Broken Hearted Girl

I have never been one to type while walking but I guess there is a first for everything 🤠.Sometimes I think I am too Western for my sake. Will also probably make a lot of mistakes writing this because I am typing again while walking on the highway and the same time trying not to trip or get run over. So I am dealing with a heartbreak am guessing from my first real relationship. Sucks like shit if you ask me and its messing me up .I just skipped school and all because I feel I deserve to sulk in my bed with stashes and stashes of snicker bars and krackles 😥😥.You know, like Zoey from Grown ish.Watch it if you haven’t, really dope movie 👌.So yeah, I want to continuously stuff junk in my mouth and eat my heartbreak away like the fat junkie I am.

I swear I am tripping. Am still walking by the way, just feeling a whole lot better from just a while ago when I looked like someone had just kicked me in the gut. Is this how messed up heartbreaks are!!!! I want to feel guilty for skipping school the third time now because of this but I don’t want this consider this petty. I deserve to sulk right,right? I forget I ain’t speaking. I feel like any moment now I will go back to feeling like shit and sulk all over again.p.s I am already home and just bought two packets of noodles since my broke ass can’t afford Krackles at the moment. I keep telling myself that I don’t want to be in school because my mind isn’t there in hopes that it will sound like a good enough excuse but I know the truth and the truth is I am scared shitless to bump into my current ex. Saying ex brought a sour taste to my mouth. I want to admit to myself that I still probably want him back because I feel guilty but at the same time am reminded of the reasons I broke it off in the first place. Being a girl sucks. I am in my knickers and bra on because I want to. Not sure why I said that but it seemed appropriate in my mind to let you in on what I look like because I no longer know what to feel and am just going with the wind and maybe a slight part of me is hoping that he will come knocking on my door and we can have make up sex and I can quit feeling like a loser. But who am I kidding, I just left him in school and this is isn’t a telenovela ,it’s nothing close to it.

Now am out of content and still feeling like shit. I guess I will just have to eat my problems away and hope I don’t keep missing school because that won’t be so good for my records.✌

I am because you were 👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨

So Mother’s Day is coming up tomorrow. I never really have paid attention to the day ever since after six years ago .I guess when you don’t have that physical aspect of the person to whom the whole celebration is for, the least you can do is wish them in your heart.This time I guess the nostalgia is a little bit more for me to hold down and I can feel the void that I try so hard to escape pushing up my throat.

I am jealous of everyone who has their mothers with them.That aspect of life that seems so natural to so many people of having their mothers with them is not natural to me.I guess i can’t blame anyone who doesn’t kiss the ground their mothers walk on or wake up everyday and just enjoy the warmth of a mothers hug.I can’t have that anymore, I haven’t had that for the past five years and six months. I miss her more than I can comprehend sometimes. I don’t talk about her to anyone, it’s hard enough with my own family. I do so because it hurts to remember her absence and I want to keep her memories personal, just for me and her to know.

I could rattle about what I wish would have been but again I don’t talk about my mother because it’s my memories and feelings to keep but this time I want her to know that she is always a part of me that will never leave. My heart isn’t big enough to accommodate the world because my better half is in heaven. Mother’s Day is special because it’s a day designated entirely for mothers alone but everyday is mothers day for me because I have my mother in mind and at heart everyday. But this time, I will make her special not just for me but for the world to know that she is always going to be there. My guardian angel. “I feel you always. I feel when you are probably scolding me in your mind about the wrong choices I make sometimes but you never leave me. You always keep your promise to be there for me and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I would trade everything to feel your hands once more and breathe in your scent again. Have you embrace me so tight and bring back the little girl you left behind who didn’t have to deal with the world on her own.I love you more everyday and miss you so much. I have wished to be reunited with you but I have to unfortunately wait for my time. Thank you for being my light in every dark tunnel I go through. Thank you for giving me life and bringing me into this world. I couldn’t have asked for a better blessing for a mother because I didn’t only get a mother, I got an angel.I am because you were.”