Tonight I took a ‘walk’ down memory lane and I read my blog posts from an year ago….I didn’t think they would take that much of a toll on me like they have. Not my best moments but what can I say, life is not all colorfull & dandy, sadly. Even with my little wins, I couldn’t help but have this constant reminder in my head that’s it’s been an year since I experienced my depression. Sad to say that I still regard it as that, as mine .I never really wrapped my head around why I acknowledged & owned it with such vigor and that despite the one year difference, a part of me still does.
Reading the post of my raw emotions then, has really hit home for me. It scares me shitless just thinking about how much turmoil I carried around me back then .It was a darkness that was just too darn dark, even for me. It crippled me and downright stripped me of everything that remotely brought any sense of joy, tranquility, peace and strength. Reading those post a few minutes ago was my last straw in admitting something that has been more or less hovering in my head .The truth of the matter is that, I’m so scared 😔. So scared that I am not too far of the rails to tip off and land back in the same pit I fought my way out of. Call me crazy or just expressing ptsd from it but I will always carry the fear of going off my mental stability rails and loosing myself like I did all over again .
Tonight I got to feel it take a step closer to the face front of mind. I had my first anxiety attack in a while. I could feel the panic rise from deep within and cripple me just like old times .It never hides too far. Depression and anxiety will always feel like a peeping Tom for me. I would be kidding if I said I think or believe that I’m fully mentally cable to endure that again and not come out more scarred than the first time.
I wanna convince myself that all this unhealthy thoughts are steming from it being around the same period last year when I felt like a pile of shit. I wanna chant it like a mantra over and over again that I’m not going to crumble even if it feels as though am sitted on the edge of my pathetic self pity chair. To end this misery of a post, I’m gonna conclude by promising to not allow myself to sink into depression $ anxiety again… I’ve gotta cut myself just enough slack to push through this turmoil. ✌🏾