I’m different. Am sure we all consider ourselves so not because just because we want to feel special but because we are actually different. Being different for me is a lifestyle. I have to constantly try to maintain it and blend in even despite how different I am. I am different because I don’t conform to what people regard as normal. Am I happy to be this different, I don’t know .Does a part of me thrive in it, definitely so …..I wouldn’t be writing this if I didn’t.I don’t believe ultimate peace is something I have possibly ever felt. A part of me is always damned to feel turmoil and anxiety over one thing or another. I do wish though I had one ability. Something I recently pondered my mind over and now looks quite appealing to my me. Ever thought of how peaceful it is under water. How calm and silent it is and just how peaceful it can get. I wish I could breathe underwater and just sit still enough to shut out everything and anything. I’m certain enough that some of you that will read through this will probably think that I’m back to my depressive past and am not gonna justify whether it’s true or not… Think whatever appeals to you.Silence is peaceful and so is death. I wouldn’t want to die through water. I feel like its probably the worst way to die because you can’t fight it, you feel the life drain out with each breath of water as it fills your lungs. In water, I would hope to find contentment. I would hope to let my anxiety over everything go, to be still and not worry about. To completely rid myself of meager feelings and emotions that are more of burdens than a boost of my humanity. To put aside memories that do more damage than good. I wish breathing underwater would do that for me. That would be my ultimate peace.Being melancholic is hard. I feel everything thats meant to be dark. I revel in it even when it’s toxic. Walls so high up, they feel unpenetratable(not sure that’s a word.)I over think, I feel too much and I sure as hell damn care too much. Water would drown out all that for me. That’s why if I had one super power, it would be to breathe underwater 🌊.
Surprise surprise!!.. I haven’t rested yet. I haven’t closed my eyes completely without waking up. At least not yet though. The pain hasn’t gone away. It’s still lurking around my brain and filling my mind with ways to give in to its naughty whispers.I don’t know if I completely feel worse but I can definitely ascertain that I ain’t feeling any better. I am trying to set it aside because on the current I have exams going on. Maybe it’s secretly a good thing that I psychologically don’t want to flunk my exams because it means my fear of the consequences of me failing means I want to go that far enough to go through this. I want to be there at that time, means I want to live long enough to survive till then. Congratulations to me 🎉🎉…i haven’t exactly lost all hope .Please don’t mind my sarcasm, i think it’s how am coping knowing I am having mental breakdowns left right and centre 😏.I am over feeling sorry for myself, I am over struggling to try and be positive. I am over just trying to be better. I know this is quitter talk but what’s left to fight for. I secretly know I should fight this for those I love but knowing I don’t even probably love myself makes it feel like a waste of time. It’s sad enough that I want to stop this by putting in place those naughty thoughts that keeping creeping up on my mind.
I keep having this thought in my head, if I happened to have the biggest fall out of my depression and for some reason it landed me in the hospital, would people care then? No think about it, I post every time I write about how fucking messed up I am and nobody has asked me about it not even once. I don’t know what they think of it or even whether they care but one thing is for certain ,If I hurt myself and landed myself in a hospital bed ,people would care then. Maybe it’s what I should do so people can quit stereotyping my depression. I think I have such a good front that I mask it so good they probably think I am handling it like a champ. Well news flash, I am a fucking wreck waiting to blow up sooner than later. I too might actually just be stereotyping my depression. Maybe for those who might probably think I am only in search of attention might not be so far from the truth. I don’t know the truth myself anymore. Maybe I might just be making a fuss over nothing whenever I feel emotionally,mentally and physically exhausted. Maybe I am just fussing over nothing when I keep thinking of buying a razor blade and despite the fear of the pain it will inflict on me physically, I might just get the little tiny bit of relief I am looking for. Maybe I am just fussing over nothing feeling like I am going batshit crazy 🙄.
I know somewhere in the back of my fucked up mind I want to get better. I don’t want to give up just yet.Call it whatever you want, seeking attention,sympathy or empathy, it doesn’t matter if I will be dead. So yeah, I do need help because I can’t fucking do this on my own anymore. Nothing feels safe enough for me at the moment, not being numb, stereotyping myself or even wanting to hurt myself. I just want to get better and go on with my life. Who would have guessed it would so much to ask? I will let you in a secret, I need to finish my exams first before I land in the hospital.When I have everyones attention and they won’t take this as lightly as they are, you can bet on it you’ll be the first to know… ✌