11 things I am grateful for.

1. I am grateful for my father and my sister who are both alive and doing well.

2. I am grateful for I have a shelter to sleep in and food to eat.

3. I am grateful that I have bed despite its discomfort. I am still grateful.

4. I am grateful for my family both nuclear and extended who are always there for me when I need them and who come through for my family in times of need.

5. I am grateful for finishing school and doing so while passing my exams greatly.

6. I am grateful for my health and both the health of my family and friends.

7. I am grateful for the chance I got at an internship. It was my first chance and I am grateful that it may go through.

8. I am grateful for this blog that reminds always that I am a talented writer and will only get better from here.

9. I am grateful my sister’s support and everything she does to keep me going. The words of encouragement, the pep talks, the feeding and everything. I cannot fully express how grateful I am for her.

10. Finally, I am grateful for life. On many occasions, it is easy for me to go down the rabbit hole that is suicidal thinking. I struggle often to find the meaning of life for myself but I know I need to constantly remember to be grateful for the life I have.

11. I am most grateful for my mental health. It was in the gutter and few months ago and doing better now. I am grateful for the antidepressants I have access to every month to get better.

This is for YoU.

This is for those unwanting of the new year. It is for those whose uncertainties in life didn’t magically disappear just because the new year is here. It is also for those whose sadness didn’t escape them when the clock hit midnight. These little words are for you.

I haven’t felt much of anything in a brief moment. When in regard to feelings, I wanna believe that my thought trajectory is always leaning on happier feelings, feelings of light and joy. Sometimes maybe even a little bit of peace. It is the new year and I can’t seem to feel the light and love going on around the world. Do I necessarily think it’s my fault that I feel forlorn at the start of a year that is magically supposed to bring cheer, no, not really? I understand hope and faith in wanting this time around to be different but what for us who can’t seem to grasp those little motions of hoping for another year of change. I read somewhere that sometimes all in one year, one is capable of living three years in one. Can’t blame me for feeling scared that this new year might in turn bring me three years instead of one.

This is for the unprepared. These words are for the sceptic people not sure of themselves enough to find joy in the new year. This is for those still carrying remnants of the day ago year that still lingers. For those who feel their losses so immensely, the beginning of a new year would be like erasing the memory of the loved one no longer there. This is for those who would rather not sit through doing a recap of their past year for it would mean scaling back old wounds. All of this is for us who will take it a day at a time as always.

Dear Happiness….

Dear Happiness,

I’ve heard a lot about you from probably everywhere and everyone.I have read about you in quotes, seen books about you… They all have their own victory stories of you and how great it is to have you around. You and I don’t have much of a history together so I can’t really vouch for you. I feel more of snippets of you and I guess I can’t really say you stay long enough around me for me to fully understand you. People have made you seem like such an easy pick and I honestly can’t blame them. You are the source of greater good as it may seem.

A little walk down memory lane with you is when I had my mum around. I still never really understood you but I can positively say I felt you fully. Best moments of my life. Right after her, I didn’t really feel you anymore. I would have ‘chosen’ you as everyone kept repeating to me but I really didn’t see the need for it. I’m sorry I didn’t deem myself worthy of you.

Today I really still don’t know much about you apart from the usual occasional times you make an appearance when I’m around my family. Thank you for that. It’s hard enough that I don’t understand, especially when everyone else seems to want to shove you down my throat. Nobody has ever really asked me whether I want you apart of me. It’s always, “You gotta choose to be happy Mercy, life’s too short to always feel sad & depressed. You gotta want it bad enough “. How I wish I thought it was that easy.

To be quite honest happiness, all I have ever known is the space between you and darkness.It’s an uncommon oblivion. I’m not emotionally stable to handle you. Maybe in the near future, I will feel worthy of you or at most open to the prospect of you but as for now, allow me to try figure things out. I may be in a toxic depressive state right now and not thinking straight but it’s all I’ve ever known. My mind has only ever known how to conjure up darkness ,self pity ,loss, little to no self worth and constant fear of drastic change. Can you honestly blame me for fearing you? You’re unknown territory to me and I’m scared. I hope to have you as my light at the end of the tunnel, I really do but I can’t promise you it’s going to be an easy road to getting to you. I wish everyone could understand that about me. That happiness, positivity and all those shindigs are new to me. I’ve only ever considered happiness in so very few things in my life and most of them tag along with things I hope to achieve in my future.

Anyways ,I just thought that it would be a good time to write this to you when I remotely feel calmer. I don’t expect you or anyone else to understand. I just wish I could have a little bit more time to understand myself and what incorporating you in my life would mean for me. When I’m ready to let go of everything else that I’m holding onto, I will find my way to you.

My little wins 😄😄

I never thought I would say this or maybe I did, I just didn’t realize that I would say it this soon… I finally now understand what it means to choose being happy. This past month has been amazing for me. It’s been peaceful, quiet and most especially content for me. I have done and pursued things that made me feel good. It feels so foreign to me to be in the head space that I am right now but I couldn’t be more grateful to be feeling happy and without much worry. Your probably thinking that I have gone above and beyond in adventures and escapades but actually that’s not the case. In just the span of three weeks, I’ve gotten to do the little things that just thrill and bring happiness to a person. For starters, I got to buy my very first bag pack and sling bag. Nothing too exciting there really but for me, it was amazing. I don’t have very many things I can say I have invested everything for but for those bags, I was a giddy little girl when I bought them for myself. Apart from that, I literally have just been experiencing and learning so much about myself and the growth I can feel manifesting itself mentally and emotionally in me is just beautiful. I have grown to have new interest in things I previously never really bothered about .I have been choosing to not be the closed off, shy girl I’m used to being. I’m doing things that are simple but so fun and it’s been an amazing experience for me.I gotta be honest though, I’m so scared that it’s just gonna be for a period of time and I won’t feel as free and happy as I am now. That maybe, if I think about it too long ,I might just jinx myself . Even as I write this, I’m not exactly certain why just life going on for me as it is as of the past couple weeks has given me such tranquility. I wanna scroll through my mind and really search for that big thing that’s happened but I just can’t seem to place my finger on it.. Do you know why , it’s cause it’s not there. Nothing so big or so dramatic has happened to me, it’s been the little victories that are having me feeling like this. A week ago, I got to share a beautiful experience with my sister who is completely my ride or die any day.We got to visit the National Park which for me wasn’t my first time but it was for her. Its always a new better experience for me every time I go there but this time it was a whole lot better because seeing her excitement was just incredible. The sweetest memories are those shared with the people you love. We got to hear a lion roar and it was incredible and just downright majestic.I also got to do something for myself and go commemorate this beautiful phase of growth that I am in because it honestly means the world to me. It was spontaneous as it is beautiful .This are what I mean to be my small wins.I can’t wait to go on and experience more happiness. I’m truly hoping to continue being in the head space I’m at right now and not worry about everything else. I have so many more things to experience and so many more sweet memories to make. I’m totally crossing my fingers that I don’t jinx this cause I can now honestly say, I am happy. It’s the little wins in life that shine brighter in your heart than to the world.

A Letter to my future lover.. 💏 💑

Dear future lover,

There is so much I need to brief you on about myself and how rough it’s been for me before I met you. I don’t see much need to introduce myself to you because you will have enough time for that in the time I hope we get to spend together, hopefully for as long as my life is deemed worthy .

Can I be honest with you😐, I have really quite searched for you. I have created this image in my head of how I hope you turn out and how you will be just perfect for me. At this point, I feel like am at a dead end in this search for you though I know it’s still quite early for me to conclude that. I can’t wait to laugh it out with you as I tell you all about the guys I have met along the way thinking they were a possible match for you 😅. I truly hope you don’t turn out exactly as I have you in my head because if you do, you will be a fictional character and I need you to be real… I need you to be alive and well for me to finally love and share my life with.

I don’t walk around thinking we are going to meet each other and sparks will fly and I will feel an electric spark when I touch you for the first time. I gotta admit that if that’s a real thing ,a certain part of me wishes it does come true.. But again, I need reality with you so I know not to expect a Romeo and Juliet kind of love. I don’t expect you to be perfect for me at the start, I hope we grow to be perfect for each other instead. I hope that the outpour of our love will be so great, it will flow in torrents and our imperfections will mesh so well that we will just be me the two of us. Pardon my sappiness, I didn’t mean to be so revealing to the world of our future love. 😍

I already have the song I want to sing to you on our wedding day. Btw, I hope you love or at least like Beyonce because you will be hearing a lot of her when with me. I even hope to cristen our first night as your wife to Rocket. Also just to give you a heads up, I really do hope our paths cross soon cause I want us to have a family just as soon. For so long in my mind I have been so selfish with my intentions of when I get my first child. I can tell you now that it will be the greatest joy of my life to bring a child into this world with you .Not so long ago i had given up on waiting to meet you and I was willing to get a child with the wrong man just so I could sate my need for a baby but I chose to wait. I realized it would have been selfish of me to expect you to just accept someone else’s child when they could have been yours from the very start. I truly hope I choose right and I know you will be an amazing dad..

To summarize this letter, I wanna let you in on a little bit of how I will probably be when you first meet me. I will be very skeptical of you and your intentions from the very start. I hope we start as friends before we take a dive into the deep end. I also then might just be probably dating a douche bag when we meet so I expect you to save me from him😁. I have no clue where we will meet, under what circumstances we will meet or whether I will even like you to begin with. It’s just how fate works I guess but I do want to make you a promise which I so often don’t do, I promise you to stop looking for you so hard and stop looking for you in every Tom, Dick and Harry. I will wait for you or for when nature chooses to bring as together. I hope our love endures every mile stone, every challenge life throws at us and everything else that we might not anticipate for then. I hope we learn to forgive each other because I can’t promise you I won’t fail you in more ways than one and that you won’t do the same to me. But through all of it, I hope we pick each other up with love and immense affection & care.

With love,

Your future wife. 💏

Here comes the Two O.

Hello hello! Wondering why I am so chirpy? Trust me, I am still wondering the same too. Well, I just made a discovery about myself on the recent. I haven’t actually felt like utter complete shit for the past two days or to be precise, one and half days counting that the day isn’t over yet. Its probably not such a big deal but either way, I will jot all about it because somehow it is important for me. When you are incapable of feeling normal and you are just plain old sad and unhappy, when you get the chance to even feel the slightest bit of normalcy and okay~ness (not sure If that’s even a word but you get what I mean),you appreciate it, no matter the period of time you have felt it.

I have a few things in mind as to why I am probably normal at the moment. One, I have been preoccupied with movies. I actually didn’t think it would work when I started watching all day but it actually keeps me company. Majority reason that causes me to sulk is loneliness and fear. I easily just sink back to the unhappy funk that eventually turns into depression. Watching movies actually just keeps me busy and it distracts me from taking into account my feelings. Just incase any of you are wondering, I am currently watching The crossing ,bold type and The handmaids tale. They are all pretty cool and interesting.

Second and probably most prominent reason is because my birthday is coming up and when I mean coming up, I mean tomorrow. My birthday is a special day for me because it’s the one day when I feel deservant of happiness. It’s the day when I prettie much feel like I should have the world on my hands and gladly receive gifts left right and rear 😆. Earlier this year, I had this whole perfect plan in my head of how I wanted my birthday to be like and it was grand, that I can assure you but just like always life has a way to put my fires 🙄 especially the good ones. I had everything entirely planned out where my sister and I would have a nice family and close friends gathering with two delicious looking cakes and a nice dinner with this bigass balloons that showed our ages. Things looked easier then because August seemed so far away and I thought by then I would have everything set in place. But here I am now, a day to my birthday without a single idea how the day will turn out because there is nothing that’s planned. My sister had earlier put it out there how sad it was that we would have to buy our own cake and I guess it was her own way to coarse people into buying us a birthday cake. Well, just know that didn’t go as planned. Now we will be buying our own cake and eating it on our own, alone. I know my initial plans of how I wanted my birthday to turn out didn’t go as planned but doesn’t mean my excitement to turn an age older should be lesser. Nothing special or grand might happen tomorrow but I still appreciate growing and seeing a new age. I am turning the big two O so I can cut myself some slack even if it’s just for a day.

So tomorrow I still don’t mind a surprise, though the thought is probably farfetched right now but anyway. I will put a smile on my face and probably just spend my time in the house watching bold type and then later in the evening eat cake and be happy to be twenty. I hope I don’t drown back into sulking after my birthday is over just because I won’t be expecting a special thing afterwards. I want to eventually get to my happy place with or without a special occasion or anticipation. I know its not gonna be easy but I want to make twenty my worth while. ✌

P. S I escaped teen pregnancy. I should totally get a present for that from the universe. A baby is accepted as a gift. 😊

Chronicles of my Emotions… Chapter three 😊

I guess I was extremely used to sulking and my writing sorta felt the same too for a while now. Today is different. My emotions feel more pleasant and if I am not mistaken, I feel happy. It’s scary saying it, saying that I am happy because I feel like I might just jinx it. But yeah, I feel good inside. Curious to know why 🤔😏?

I don’t really know why I am more cheerful and pleasant. Or maybe I do but my fear that it’s just all a matter of time that it will be a mere memory and it will be gone. I am happy because I cared enough to forgive and it was worth it, I’m hoping it was worth it. I feel at peace and am cherishing it. He makes me smile and laugh, something I hadn’t done in a while. He hurt me too, but he brought back my peace. I am scared he will as easily break me just as he put me back in place. I guess its all a matter of taking the risk. I definitely am, putting my heart on the line.

I hope it last. I don’t know nor am I sure how long my happiness will go on but I wanna make it worth my while. I hope the fragility that I have slowly been put back in half will hold on long enough to become strong. ✌