The tales of a childhood forgotten but treasured.

Last night, in the wee hours of the morning, after a night spent drinking a cold cider [pretty much the only alcoholic drink I can stand to take], I happened to take a vague trip down memory lane. Truthfully speaking, I have a shitty memory of my life and childhood most especially. Maybe it’s cause it wasn’t all that or better yet, I choose to not think too much into it because most of those memories entail a childhood that felt a lot like someone else’s. I have had this conversation before with my sister on countless occasions of just how much my life before I was 14 years old feels a lot like a hazy dream I had that wasn’t quite my own. Admittedly, a lot of my childhood is packed at the back of my mind together with the memories of my mother. She was in hind site all I remember from my childhood. My mother was front and centre of my life and like for me as it was for many others, I adored her and relished every bit of time I got to spend with her, despite that time being quite short. But before we cue the sadness, this isn’t meant to be about her absence but more of what her presence was like with me. For me to write this is like taking an excursion into my past and most specifically my childhood memories of me and my mum. I predict that it may not be so long but I surely will try to dig deep into my subconscious mind for what I would regard as treasured but forgotten memories.

The amusement park adventure.

If my memory serves me right, I was ten when my mum took me to my first amusement park a town over from where we lived. It was always there but it was an annual occasion that which if I think of now was more of a theme park than an amusement park since its main theme was agriculture. Farmers from around the county would put on display their crops and different entities regarding agriculture. Aside from that, it offered an amusement park for kids who got a chance to tag along with their parents. For those who may be wondering, especially if you are Kenyan, I am talking about the Nyeri show or the most known one, the Nairobi show. I was ten when my mum surprised me with a trip to Nyeri show. On a Saturday afternoon, after we’d both been in tuition, her as a teacher and me as a student, she told me she wanted to take me to someplace nice. She and I were major suckers for surprises. We loved to see each other’s faces light up from doing something we both regarded as special for each other. I remember being ecstatic on arrival at the show. It was an entirely new experience for me because of its rarity. I wouldn’t have guessed in a million years that my mum would take me to such a place because I knew of the impossibility of the chance of ever going to one. I don’t say this because she wouldn’t have loved to take me there or any other fun place, on the contrary, I know that my mum would have given me the world if she had it. The reason as to why it was beyond my wildest imaginations for us to have gone there was because I was aware of how things were financially for my family. I didn’t grow up in a wealthy family. Maybe partly the reason why I often don’t revere back to my childhood is that I didn’t have the best childhood. Things were often too tough and quite heartbreaking for my family, especially because despite it all, we held out a lot of hope that things would get better but they never quite did. So hence the surprise when my mum got to take me to this show when I knew that on other days it never would have stood a chance since I too was well aware that we couldn’t afford it.

It is still quite vague in my head, but I do remember we walked around the park and we could see kids having fun engaging in different activities and running around. I must have felt quite like I’d just walked into a movie that had a carnivore airing and I was quite in awe to be in it. I remember going on my first merry go round there as well as my first horseback ride and camel ride. For a kid who was terrified of a lot, I applaud myself for even agreeing to try those things out. Though, it was on that first ride on the merry go round that absolutely scared the wits out of me. I remember absolutely dreading that ride the minute I got off it. I remember feeling like my heart kept leaping out of its rib cage every time the merry go round would start on another round. It was absolutely dreadful, and I probably swore to myself that I would never get on another ride like that again because I have actually never been on another merry go round since. Apart from that, I remember us walking around the park that was quite vast. It resembled a big ranch of sorts. We walked around, I vaguely recall us stopping and looking at various exhibitions on different agriculturally based things. Those bits of that day may not have been my most favourite but I wouldn’t have changed those moments for anything because, despite everything, I was together with my absolute best friend. I was with my mother.

A graduation party of sorts…

Earlier I recall writing that my mum and I liked throwing surprises for each other. This time around, I threw her one. It wasn’t anything grand or big, it was the bare minimum, but it was entirely from the heart. It was on the 31st of August, 2007. I am aware of the date because I am lucky to have a picture from that day where my mum was receiving a certificate award for a discipleship class she had been taking in the church we used to attend, which technically is still the church that we go to even today. I will hopefully be able to attach the picture beneath this post so you can see just how beautiful she looked on that day. My mother’s beauty was unmatched, both from a biased and non-biased approach. She stood out wherever she went because she was an absolute ray of sunshine. So on this day, she left that afternoon to go pick up her certificate of completion for that course she had been taking in church. I recall being the only one at home that day so I tried racking my mind on how I would celebrate that win for her. I was nine years old and very much broke. I remember wanting to do something special for her before she came home but I didn’t have the slightest clue on what it is I could do for her. I then came up with a small idea of buying her some cakes which were sold at a shop across our house and maybe including a soda along with it. Did I say buying, I meant taking it on credit since I had zero money on me then, funny how it’s still the same case now. So anyway, I went ahead and got the little delicacies I needed and arranged them on a plate on the table alongside the soda and two glasses. I must have that quite highly of myself then because I intended to go all in. I then closed the curtains to the living room and lighting up two candles and setting them side to side from the plate. I knew she wouldn’t be long before she got home so now all I had to do was wait. On her arrival at the gate, I quickly rushed out to meet her so that I’d request her to close her eyes as I guided her to the house. It definitely wouldn’t have been a surprise had she otherwise walked in just like that. Nothing gave me more joy than seeing her elated face from seeing my surprise for her. I wanted her to know I was proud of her for having gone through those classes and having graduated from them regardless of how meagre it might have seemed to everyone else. We got to share that little celebration together and most importantly, she knew that I would always be her number one cheerleader. [cue the tears]

To be truthfully honest, I am quite surprised by myself for even recalling that much about those two treasured memories of my mum and I. I most times try not to recall memories of my mum because of how much of them are a reminder of her absence today. What I didn’t realize was that alongside those memories were beautiful times that we got to share together. I was so focused on avoiding the hurt that I forgot the love and beauty in remembering the happier times where she was more present than ever. I miss her, beyond what my words can conjure and maybe that’s what hurts the most. Missing her and having no way around to having her with me. But writing about those two memories have brought me so much closer to her than I have allowed me to feel in a very long time. Maybe somewhere along the line, I will allow myself to remember more of her with a lighter heart than a heavier one. She does deserve to be remembered for how amazing and just enigmatic she was. My mother was an angel and it’s just deserving that I share my memories of her and her angelic ethereal self with the world.

So yesterday I did something very bold. I term it as bold because of how unconventional it was & risky since it would have turned out very invasive to some. I’m actively on Instagram & I was going through my followers instagram stories & I came across a picture of a girl’s arm that had marks on it. She actually wasn’t taking the picture of her arm, it just so happened her arm made a cameo and I just happened to see it. I wouldn’t say I was being observant, it was like a glance that led me to contemplating whether confirming my suspicions of what the marks were was a smart thing to do… Let’s just, my conscience didn’t fail me. That was last night and I was sure to include in my dm to her that she was at all under no obligation to answer back to me. I know I would be a bit skeptical opening up about anything remotely mental related to a stranger. Today morning when I woke up, it had completely eluded my mind that I’d sent her a message, that’s until I saw my message icon ping that I had an unread message. She was honest enough to acknowledge that what I’d seen was indeed self harm marks. Getting to the point of this story, (not really sure there’s one) , it was uncomfortable seeing them on someone else other than myself, but I twistedly felt connected to her by her self inflicted marks on her hand. I felt the bond of having another understand that one is capable of being a mess enough to hurt themselves. It was relieving but sad. I quit feeling sorry for myself after the first time I cut , I no longer chose to see it as a fault but as a survival coping mechanism. It’s just different because I relish in the feel of a cold blade to get some damn needed peace of mind.

Not too long ago I had a friend of mine frown upon the fact that I recently got a new tattoo. He’s exact question was ‘You enjoying hurting yourself with this tattoos?‘ He didn’t realize how close to home he hit by asking me that… In my own twisted way, I love the feeling of the needle skim through my skin, it’s just that this time, I’m left with a beautiful artistic reminder of things that mean more to me than others. They are the murals to those I love and to the times in my life I can never seem to erase from my mind. They are my stories, I just receive the both ends of the stick when I get them, the pain that comes with getting them, and the artistic beauty created.

It amazes me how I can never seem to let go of my mental struggles even when I’m not in the gutter . I can’t cut loose the strong hold at which I hold them close to me & how much relevance I constantly give them. I’ve written before that I felt special being ill, I felt like I belonged being depressed & fucked up generally. It gave me a sense of purpose. I was constantly sad & I got to write the best of my blogs while in that funk. Call it fear of the unknown, which in this case is anything that’s remotely good and happy… that damn H word I never seem to like very much. I just can’t grasp myself not unhappy & miserable. No need to pity me, I don’t pity me either. The most surprising thing is, despite not wanting good change, I feel inadequate for depression. I feel like I sometimes lack the magnitude needed to be special enough to be depressed. Like I can’t just catch a break with the inadequacies in my life ; I’m just not cut out for happiness or depression . Really beats the point of why I got my damn enough tattoo in the first place. I need to find a bearing of where I belong, in the darkness or the overly bright light .

Tonight I wasn’t really writing as a means to vent, I guess I just needed to release myself a little. I had a relatively good day, went out to a lovely ice cream parlor in town that touched my old soul. It’s entire vibe and setting was the eighties and it’s ice cream was as legit as legit can be. I honestly didn’t wanna leave because for those few minutes I was there ,the world around me seemed right and peaceful… content even. I wanted to stick there and live on ice cream for as long as my mind chooses it’s ready to go back to our sad reality… Sno – Cream parlor was my heaven in hell…

Dear Happiness….

Dear Happiness,

I’ve heard a lot about you from probably everywhere and everyone.I have read about you in quotes, seen books about you… They all have their own victory stories of you and how great it is to have you around. You and I don’t have much of a history together so I can’t really vouch for you. I feel more of snippets of you and I guess I can’t really say you stay long enough around me for me to fully understand you. People have made you seem like such an easy pick and I honestly can’t blame them. You are the source of greater good as it may seem.

A little walk down memory lane with you is when I had my mum around. I still never really understood you but I can positively say I felt you fully. Best moments of my life. Right after her, I didn’t really feel you anymore. I would have ‘chosen’ you as everyone kept repeating to me but I really didn’t see the need for it. I’m sorry I didn’t deem myself worthy of you.

Today I really still don’t know much about you apart from the usual occasional times you make an appearance when I’m around my family. Thank you for that. It’s hard enough that I don’t understand, especially when everyone else seems to want to shove you down my throat. Nobody has ever really asked me whether I want you apart of me. It’s always, “You gotta choose to be happy Mercy, life’s too short to always feel sad & depressed. You gotta want it bad enough “. How I wish I thought it was that easy.

To be quite honest happiness, all I have ever known is the space between you and darkness.It’s an uncommon oblivion. I’m not emotionally stable to handle you. Maybe in the near future, I will feel worthy of you or at most open to the prospect of you but as for now, allow me to try figure things out. I may be in a toxic depressive state right now and not thinking straight but it’s all I’ve ever known. My mind has only ever known how to conjure up darkness ,self pity ,loss, little to no self worth and constant fear of drastic change. Can you honestly blame me for fearing you? You’re unknown territory to me and I’m scared. I hope to have you as my light at the end of the tunnel, I really do but I can’t promise you it’s going to be an easy road to getting to you. I wish everyone could understand that about me. That happiness, positivity and all those shindigs are new to me. I’ve only ever considered happiness in so very few things in my life and most of them tag along with things I hope to achieve in my future.

Anyways ,I just thought that it would be a good time to write this to you when I remotely feel calmer. I don’t expect you or anyone else to understand. I just wish I could have a little bit more time to understand myself and what incorporating you in my life would mean for me. When I’m ready to let go of everything else that I’m holding onto, I will find my way to you.

My little wins 😄😄

I never thought I would say this or maybe I did, I just didn’t realize that I would say it this soon… I finally now understand what it means to choose being happy. This past month has been amazing for me. It’s been peaceful, quiet and most especially content for me. I have done and pursued things that made me feel good. It feels so foreign to me to be in the head space that I am right now but I couldn’t be more grateful to be feeling happy and without much worry. Your probably thinking that I have gone above and beyond in adventures and escapades but actually that’s not the case. In just the span of three weeks, I’ve gotten to do the little things that just thrill and bring happiness to a person. For starters, I got to buy my very first bag pack and sling bag. Nothing too exciting there really but for me, it was amazing. I don’t have very many things I can say I have invested everything for but for those bags, I was a giddy little girl when I bought them for myself. Apart from that, I literally have just been experiencing and learning so much about myself and the growth I can feel manifesting itself mentally and emotionally in me is just beautiful. I have grown to have new interest in things I previously never really bothered about .I have been choosing to not be the closed off, shy girl I’m used to being. I’m doing things that are simple but so fun and it’s been an amazing experience for me.I gotta be honest though, I’m so scared that it’s just gonna be for a period of time and I won’t feel as free and happy as I am now. That maybe, if I think about it too long ,I might just jinx myself . Even as I write this, I’m not exactly certain why just life going on for me as it is as of the past couple weeks has given me such tranquility. I wanna scroll through my mind and really search for that big thing that’s happened but I just can’t seem to place my finger on it.. Do you know why , it’s cause it’s not there. Nothing so big or so dramatic has happened to me, it’s been the little victories that are having me feeling like this. A week ago, I got to share a beautiful experience with my sister who is completely my ride or die any day.We got to visit the National Park which for me wasn’t my first time but it was for her. Its always a new better experience for me every time I go there but this time it was a whole lot better because seeing her excitement was just incredible. The sweetest memories are those shared with the people you love. We got to hear a lion roar and it was incredible and just downright majestic.I also got to do something for myself and go commemorate this beautiful phase of growth that I am in because it honestly means the world to me. It was spontaneous as it is beautiful .This are what I mean to be my small wins.I can’t wait to go on and experience more happiness. I’m truly hoping to continue being in the head space I’m at right now and not worry about everything else. I have so many more things to experience and so many more sweet memories to make. I’m totally crossing my fingers that I don’t jinx this cause I can now honestly say, I am happy. It’s the little wins in life that shine brighter in your heart than to the world.

Here comes the Two O.

Hello hello! Wondering why I am so chirpy? Trust me, I am still wondering the same too. Well, I just made a discovery about myself on the recent. I haven’t actually felt like utter complete shit for the past two days or to be precise, one and half days counting that the day isn’t over yet. Its probably not such a big deal but either way, I will jot all about it because somehow it is important for me. When you are incapable of feeling normal and you are just plain old sad and unhappy, when you get the chance to even feel the slightest bit of normalcy and okay~ness (not sure If that’s even a word but you get what I mean),you appreciate it, no matter the period of time you have felt it.

I have a few things in mind as to why I am probably normal at the moment. One, I have been preoccupied with movies. I actually didn’t think it would work when I started watching all day but it actually keeps me company. Majority reason that causes me to sulk is loneliness and fear. I easily just sink back to the unhappy funk that eventually turns into depression. Watching movies actually just keeps me busy and it distracts me from taking into account my feelings. Just incase any of you are wondering, I am currently watching The crossing ,bold type and The handmaids tale. They are all pretty cool and interesting.

Second and probably most prominent reason is because my birthday is coming up and when I mean coming up, I mean tomorrow. My birthday is a special day for me because it’s the one day when I feel deservant of happiness. It’s the day when I prettie much feel like I should have the world on my hands and gladly receive gifts left right and rear 😆. Earlier this year, I had this whole perfect plan in my head of how I wanted my birthday to be like and it was grand, that I can assure you but just like always life has a way to put my fires 🙄 especially the good ones. I had everything entirely planned out where my sister and I would have a nice family and close friends gathering with two delicious looking cakes and a nice dinner with this bigass balloons that showed our ages. Things looked easier then because August seemed so far away and I thought by then I would have everything set in place. But here I am now, a day to my birthday without a single idea how the day will turn out because there is nothing that’s planned. My sister had earlier put it out there how sad it was that we would have to buy our own cake and I guess it was her own way to coarse people into buying us a birthday cake. Well, just know that didn’t go as planned. Now we will be buying our own cake and eating it on our own, alone. I know my initial plans of how I wanted my birthday to turn out didn’t go as planned but doesn’t mean my excitement to turn an age older should be lesser. Nothing special or grand might happen tomorrow but I still appreciate growing and seeing a new age. I am turning the big two O so I can cut myself some slack even if it’s just for a day.

So tomorrow I still don’t mind a surprise, though the thought is probably farfetched right now but anyway. I will put a smile on my face and probably just spend my time in the house watching bold type and then later in the evening eat cake and be happy to be twenty. I hope I don’t drown back into sulking after my birthday is over just because I won’t be expecting a special thing afterwards. I want to eventually get to my happy place with or without a special occasion or anticipation. I know its not gonna be easy but I want to make twenty my worth while. ✌

P. S I escaped teen pregnancy. I should totally get a present for that from the universe. A baby is accepted as a gift. 😊

Chronicles of my Emotions… Chapter three 😊

I guess I was extremely used to sulking and my writing sorta felt the same too for a while now. Today is different. My emotions feel more pleasant and if I am not mistaken, I feel happy. It’s scary saying it, saying that I am happy because I feel like I might just jinx it. But yeah, I feel good inside. Curious to know why 🤔😏?

I don’t really know why I am more cheerful and pleasant. Or maybe I do but my fear that it’s just all a matter of time that it will be a mere memory and it will be gone. I am happy because I cared enough to forgive and it was worth it, I’m hoping it was worth it. I feel at peace and am cherishing it. He makes me smile and laugh, something I hadn’t done in a while. He hurt me too, but he brought back my peace. I am scared he will as easily break me just as he put me back in place. I guess its all a matter of taking the risk. I definitely am, putting my heart on the line.

I hope it last. I don’t know nor am I sure how long my happiness will go on but I wanna make it worth my while. I hope the fragility that I have slowly been put back in half will hold on long enough to become strong. ✌