Not many a times do we as individuals admit to our short comings as human beings. We could sing our praises to ourselves and others on top of the highest cliff but never would we be caught alive speaking out our failures in life and what we aren’t good at 😐. Well, I am here to release myself from that confinement of not being able to acknowledge to the world, let alone myself of how much of a failure I am when it comes to forgiveness.
Forgiving for me is one of the hardest thing to do. Like a conceited normal human being, I hope to be forgiven when I wrong others but it’s quite the task for me to reciprocate to those who hurt me. Que eye roll for all the conceited people like I am in the world 🙄. Luckily, I only find forgiveness hard for people who constantly repeat the action of hurting me in different means or aspects and they keep thinking that since I probably did it the first time, I can forgive them again. But that’s where they are wrong, I say to them I have forgiven them but in the real sense, I don’t honestly think I do. Forgiveness to me is completely ridding someone of any source/memory of pain and anger that I held over their heads not just verbally but mentally, emotionally and psychologically. If I say I forgive you and actually mean it, it means that I hold no memory in all those above aspects of whatever hurt you might have caused me.
It might seem that am letting out all this because it gives me a heavy heart to not be able to forgive; your wrong. I sleep perfectly with myself despite carrying all that anger and resentment towards the person I can’t forgive. I know it’s a load of a lot of crappy emotional fuel I don’t need and it’s not good energy but I relish in it. I relish in the feel of all that pain and anger and hold onto it so tightly because it fuels what I simply call, my need for revenge.
But enough of that…i am not proud of my need for vengeance. Neither am a proud that I find it hard to forgive. I believe it’s about time I learned how to and learn to let go of that pain & anger I hold so closely to my heart. Since the year started, I have been going on and on about how am choosing to let go of all those people who have been a drag in a my life and are as meaningless as the dirt on the ground to me. Well, news flash, it’s been quite the hoax. I say this cause all that brag about me letting go has been just that, a brag. I haven’t even come close to the thought of letting go, at least not until now. Reason being I feel entitled to hold on to that anger because it’s justified you know, it’s rightfully mine to feel. That’s the soul reason we hold onto any emotion, because we choose to own it rather than feel it and then let go.
I have been holding quite a lot of anger towards a certain person in my life who has been quite the character. I have known them for remotely since the beginning of highschool. To say she hasn’t been one if not the greatest factor as to why am writing about my new found need to forgive ,would be me lying to myself and you the reader. Yes, she is that factor that’s been the reason for my unfulfilled ‘brag’. I had told myself I wouldn’t rant about her on my blog because that would be a waste of words and time just talking about how much I recent her and how terrible of a being she has been in my life. But am not doing this for her. We have had quite the rollercoaster in our friendship. We started off as friends who had similar interests and our new found friendship grew to being best friends. We have hurt each other, one of us more times than the other. She made me loathe highschool cause it became more of a nightmare for me piled up on the already shitty feeling I got from being there. And every time she hurt me, I would get angry and I then think my affection for her would overcome the anger so it would seem like I forgave her .But the memories of pain stayed with me and that’s all it took for my heart to know, I never really forgave her.
Recently, I think I just got to my breaking point. The anger & hatred I feel towards her is completely overwhelming. Like this is the last straw in our friendship and relationship in whole. I am exhausted from the break ups to the make ups in our friendship that am completely burned out from it and I chose to completely call it quits. I may have thought I did so by blocking her social accounts and not talking to her but my mind is still swirling with anger and frustration towards her and I need for it to stop. This isn’t just for the last time she might have hurt me, this is for all the pent up anger, hate and resentment I have held towards her for over four years now. It overlooks any good memories we have shared because I chose to own the pain more than I chose to own the good that she ever did. This doesn’t exclude me. I have hurt her too in my search for vengeance, others she might not even know I did.
I think it’s time I let bygones be bygones. Not just brag about letting go and not giving a shit about her but actually do it. I know it won’t take one post on my blog to get over the pent up anger I have but I want this to be the start of me not hating her or loving her. I want this to be the start of completely erasing her from my life. I don’t know if I will ever forgive her but I sure do want to forget the pain she caused that I have carried for quite too long. I need a new sense of emotion stronger than pain & anger. I want to relinquish any claim I have over the pain and anger she has caused me because it’s me who’s hurting all this while. I need to move on from her… I need to take back my power over my emotions. Not just with her but for any other anger that might have been caused by others to me. I have been picking up my pieces in my relationship with God and every night when I pray, I make sure to ask for forgiveness from Him for all my short comings and displeasures that may have been displeasing to him. I realized yesterday that why should I plead for my forgiveness from The Almighty when I can’t do the same for someone else. I don’t deserve His forgiveness but His mercies endures forever. Mine may not but I can at least try to forgive and release myself of that bondage of anger and resentment. As I pray for the forgiveness of my sins, I too will pray for God to give me a forgiving heart. ✌