The BRIDGE I crossed

I’ll try be discreet… It’s all am trying to be right now…not draw any attention to myself .Today I crossed a bridge. A bridge I never in my wildest dreams ever thought I would cross. A bridge I never thought would be in my life story .I always thought I was better than that….Ironic huh! That I would never have to feel the need to cross that bridge, but I did.

I wish I could retrace back so many steps that I took today but I can’t. It’s already done. I crossed a bridge I should never have. Not even in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would be strong enough to do it but crossing it for me just proved how strongly weak I am. I didn’t fight myself from it even when I know I should have. I didn’t try to stop it, I went ahead & did it.

As I took to crossing that bridge, I lost a bit of myself with every step I made. I could feel pieces of myself detach from me and break a little bit more .I wept for each piece of me that died today on that bridge. I wept for each person who I disappointed for crossing that bridge. I most especially wept for I knew what it fully meant me crossing that bridge. Those tears were my grief for the person who kept breaking as she took steady calculated steps across. I don’t recognize that person as myself anymore.

Finally, we crossed the bridge. The me now, took time to look over at all what I had lost over the period of crossing over. I saw the pieces of me that I will never get back. I saw the once hopeful little girl who thought that despite the little dark place in her mind that whispered to her, she could overcome it . She wept for me, she too saw the pieces that died along that fateful bridge.

Now here we are. More hollow than we ever were before. I walked away from that little girl because she no longer could save herself. I am a shell of the person I was today morning. I never quite understood what sort of peace people spoke about after crossing that bridge ;it sounded absurd to me especially since its not a bed of roses. But I felt it. It was crazy how quickly calm and collected I felt. I thought I was numb before, this calmness took numbness to an entirely different level. I didn’t feel, I didn’t hear, I didn’t think. It was QUIET. So quiet in my mind, I haven’t had such an eerie feeling before that that was that calming. I now well understand the peace that came with crossing that bridge. The whispers finally shut up because they got what they wanted. Through that bridge, I made a deal with the devil in my head and there’s nothing I can do to go back from it.

Broken Hearted Girl

I have never been one to type while walking but I guess there is a first for everything 🤠.Sometimes I think I am too Western for my sake. Will also probably make a lot of mistakes writing this because I am typing again while walking on the highway and the same time trying not to trip or get run over. So I am dealing with a heartbreak am guessing from my first real relationship. Sucks like shit if you ask me and its messing me up .I just skipped school and all because I feel I deserve to sulk in my bed with stashes and stashes of snicker bars and krackles 😥😥.You know, like Zoey from Grown ish.Watch it if you haven’t, really dope movie 👌.So yeah, I want to continuously stuff junk in my mouth and eat my heartbreak away like the fat junkie I am.

I swear I am tripping. Am still walking by the way, just feeling a whole lot better from just a while ago when I looked like someone had just kicked me in the gut. Is this how messed up heartbreaks are!!!! I want to feel guilty for skipping school the third time now because of this but I don’t want this consider this petty. I deserve to sulk right,right? I forget I ain’t speaking. I feel like any moment now I will go back to feeling like shit and sulk all over again.p.s I am already home and just bought two packets of noodles since my broke ass can’t afford Krackles at the moment. I keep telling myself that I don’t want to be in school because my mind isn’t there in hopes that it will sound like a good enough excuse but I know the truth and the truth is I am scared shitless to bump into my current ex. Saying ex brought a sour taste to my mouth. I want to admit to myself that I still probably want him back because I feel guilty but at the same time am reminded of the reasons I broke it off in the first place. Being a girl sucks. I am in my knickers and bra on because I want to. Not sure why I said that but it seemed appropriate in my mind to let you in on what I look like because I no longer know what to feel and am just going with the wind and maybe a slight part of me is hoping that he will come knocking on my door and we can have make up sex and I can quit feeling like a loser. But who am I kidding, I just left him in school and this is isn’t a telenovela ,it’s nothing close to it.

Now am out of content and still feeling like shit. I guess I will just have to eat my problems away and hope I don’t keep missing school because that won’t be so good for my records.✌