My mother always told me that boredom is a choice. It quite vexed me as a little child to hear that after I just yelled out how bored I was feeling. To say the least, I am still vexed. Today, I am still rocking in the same boat, more now than I have felt in a very long time. I wake up at noon, have a cigarette, have brunch and then sit to wonder what else is next. To give a bit of a background to my slow routine, I am freshly out of college, freshly being used lightly in this case. I finished school a year ago so now when I say it out loud, the term freshly is quite expired.
Earlier this week I had my first internship interview for the course I studied in school and to say the least, I just went through the motions. I was not prepared for the effort it took to get out of bed, shower and leave the house all before eleven in the morning. While I was taking a shower, it took absolute willpower to not back out from going to that interview. It was a lot of willpower that is for sure.
The interview went well. I am still waiting on their response but I am hopefull. Hence the waiting game.
Disclaimer; This is a very anxiety-ridden post so I hope you can bear with me.
What my anxiety told me today…
My blog update (this very same one that I am writing now) will not make any absolute sense to anyone who will come across it, which begs the question of why am I even trying to write it to begin with. It will probably be a jumbled mess of my thoughts. No one should be subjected to reading my not so coherent thoughts.
Everything I will probably write here on this precise post will make zero sense to anyone. It probably is and will be an exaggeration of my said anxiety and it does not need to be highlighted at all.
I am incapable of writing anything substantially true and intelligent about what it feels like to live life with anxiety. I am never too conscious of it anyway, it probably is just another fabrication of my mind. Get over yourself Mercy, you can’t get any less pathetic than this.
I am an imposter at my own experience in anxiety which technically means that I probably don’t have anxiety at all. Nothing about my life can legitimize that I do actually have anxiety so why don’t I merely stop trying to convince the world that I do have it just so I can cover up being a weak human being.
Nobody likes my blog. Everyone probably thinks of it as quite mediocre and cliché. So what, that you experience a degree of sadness more often than not and that you are an attention seeking bitch which is probably why you cut yourself and have zero concept of selflove. That doesn’t make you anymore depressed than the rest of the world. The world truly doesn’t care much about what you write. They definitely won’t care about the pity party you are having with yourself right now by writing this.
I have no place in this world for me and my anxiety. (p.s I genuinely do believe this.)
My anxiety reared its ugly head out today. Maybe it was due to the fact that it was a lot more at the forefront of my thoughts today than it is on other days. Late last night before bed, my sister and I were having an honest conversation about why it is life feels very hopeless currently, especially for me to be precise. It is through that conversation that I was able to reveal to both myself and her just how immensely anxious I am over what is supposed to be the next phase of my life. The revelation of just how much anxiety I have for this next phase of life was both liberating to know as well as scary as hell. Later after having that conversation, I went to bed with quite a lot on my mind. Now that I knew why it was taking me so long to make any resemblance of progress in life, it left me questioning how exactly am I supposed to get past the crippling anxiety that I have.
Coming into today, I knew that I wanted to write concerning every little thought that was skimming through my mind about what it is like to have anxiety always as a voice second to that of your conscious thoughts. I didn’t know how I was going to be elaborate enough to give a sense of clear understanding and depiction of what it is like to go through the motions with anxiety wrapped around you like a second skin. Just thinking about how I wanted to project my anxiety in words, gave me major anxiety. The anxiety I got earlier just thinking about what I was going to write about was what prompted me to start this blog the way I did. I would begin by depicting exactly what it is like to have anxiety have you second guess every little bit of everything that you do. I was and still very much are conscious of my anxiety now even as I write this. My anxiety has me immensely worried that I’ll come out looking like a fraud or an imposter who’s just full of excuses over why she hasn’t made any kind of progress in her life since finishing school. I tried writing down prompts as a result of my anxiety so I wouldn’t keep repeating myself but now as I am trying to write this using them, I am afraid that they don’t seem to be making much sense to me now. That statement alone is a very big depiction of just how prominent anxiety is for me.
I have alluded in previous blogs just how weird of a child I was. As I have grown over the years, a lot of those weird quacks that I didn’t quite understand why I had them now make a lot of sense because they were merely just anxieties I had. Today, most of them would fall under what most would perceive as just personality traits and I too think that to an extent, they have morphed deeper into my personality than I care to admit. I not too long ago wrote about how bad of a perfectionist I am and maybe I didn’t dig deeper on why is the case but I understand now that it actually has a lot to do with my anxiety. For me, having everything happen in a precise and specific way allows me to gain control of the outcome. At the back of my mind, anxiety is the voice that requires me to feed on that sense of control. I have tried to never find out what the consequences will be if things don’t happen in perfect order but I am probably guessing that the world doesn’t collapse and neither does my life. Anxiety makes you too scared to find out that nothing probably does happen.
In the case of my not so foreseeable future, anxiety has taken away every sense of hope I have that adulting is not some big bad wolf that intends to gobble me up and spit me out like cud. It was a long time coming but for the past couple of months, I have been evading the subject of what’s next for me now that school is done. I have told myself and those around me of just how unprepared I am for working or looking for a job at that. Most people’s responses to my uncertainty of choice are that I would eventually have to start somewhere, regardless of whatever. As long as the rest of the world has gone down the same road into adulting, I don’t have much of a choice in it either. Revisiting this conversation with my sister was able to give me insight and perspective of just how much my anxiety has the reign over this. I probably did not take time to really go into the depths of why I was so resistant to the idea of working and of not feeling qualified enough to work in my field of expertise. Feeling anxious can do that to someone; Blind you from the fact that it is no ordinary fear but in hindsight, it is genuinely crippling anxiety that you’re feeling.
Now that I am aware of just how much anxiety has a hold on me right now, I do not know how to work my way around it. I still very much are terrified of looking for work and starting that work. I feel quite amateurish in the career I chose and I don’t think there is much I can do about that feeling, not when it will probably take me years of more studying in school for me to trust in my expertise. On previous occasions, I have had a little control over my anxiety through smoking and truthfully speaking, I can’t seem to even stand the scent of an unlit cigarette, let alone smoke it. I thought before that if I replaced self-harm with smoking, it would give me a better hold on my anxiety levels but I am aware that it merely turns into a rabbit hole that is never quite easy to get out of. I have been clean for a couple of months now, I think it’s safe to say I am trying to keep it that way.
It is of great importance that I try and get a hold of this crippling anxiety that I have over starting work and getting a job. Right now, all it has achieved is make me absolutely horrified about life and what to expect of it. My ambitions in life have become less because I am convinced that I don’t want to live long enough to keep trifling with anxiety at every step of my life. Anxiety demystifies death for me every other day. I can’t even express this to anyone because it comes off as such a cowardly notion to not want to live over the tiniest bit of change. Anyone would think that dying is too big of a reason or in their minds, too melodramatic of an excuse to do just because I am not ready to take up life by its horns… and I wouldn’t blame anyone for thinking that. Anxiety is a ball of melodramatic fear over consequences that are very much unlikely to happen. I can’t tell you what exactly petrifies me so much about the whole idea of getting a job as a counsellor and having a supervisor but I can assure you, I am convinced in my mind that I am not ready for it and if on the chance that I do start off unprepared, I will be the world’s unhappiest human being which eventually might give me reason enough to jump ship from this thing we call life.
Well here goes nothing… Been a while since I wrote. Been a while since I did a lot of things. I’ve had a really hard and hectic couple of weeks and men has it been messed up 😧. Every time I intended to write I would have an anxiety attack and couldn’t bring myself to face that I was in a black 🕳. I don’t really even know where I would start if I decided to explain what I have been dealing with. The perks are that depression and anxiety are real and they push you to lengths that you are incapable of thinking straight.You don’t have the normalcy you hold every other day of your life. Happiness, joy, tranquility and stability tend to be extremely farfetched in those moments and sometimes you drown in all that but don’t necessarily die so it’s continuous. You wish to talk to someone, just one person to understand you and wish to help you pick up your pieces because at that very moment you’re crumbled to bits of who you were before. You want that person to listen and tell you not just once that things will get better but to walk you through getting there because then your like a baby learning how to walk all over again.
I had emotional breakdowns whenever I was alone because all I wanted was to sink farther in my bed and just drown in the sorrow I was feeling. There are moments when I would feel okay but whenever a memory of pain or sorry would sneak it’s way in, It would be like a snap of a finger and I would turn into a shell of person. Depression got me screaming on the inside but was too exhausted to bother about it on the outside.It got me presumably to start having thoughts of self harm 😔. That was my ‘hit rock bottom moment ‘.I knew then that I needed to talk to someone else about it and preferably a therapist. Best choice I had made in a while.
In my luck, those thoughts of harming myself only went as far as thoughts and it’s thanks to my sister. She has been my greatest anchor, only she knew what went on behind our closed doors. My therapist was finally the shimmer of light I was looking for, she became more than just my therapist but my friend who understood and she has a special place in my nearly destroyed heart. She pointed me in the direction that I could get better and she took my hand and walked with me. She makes me see that I can be happy with myself and with my insecurities too. She reminds me everyday that life is a step at a time,I probably knew that, I was just taking life in fifty steps instead. My friend as I like to call her is the other clutch I was looking for and I am happy I found her.
I am still going to therapy every once a week and it’s opened my mind to a whole lot about my life and how to deal with the things I go through. My therapist/friend has taught me to enjoy the simple pleasures of life and I am learning that for me knitting is one of them too. I haven’t thought about hurting myself for a week now and that to me is progress I never thought I would make. So I am grateful. Mental health is not something that should be downplayed like it is by so many people. Going through anxiety should not be a normal for anyone and neither should depression. I still have those moments where it’s hard to pick myself up but I am grateful for my family and my therapist because I am able to be motivated to pick myself up for me and for those I love. I am a wounded healer.
p.s If you got anything at all you may be going through, don’t hesitate to text me if you want to have that friend I never had and kept looking for. I’m always open to help someone else from dealing with mental health issues. Please don’t downplay it and assume it thinking it will go away. It will always hover like a dark cloud in your mind and when your most weak, it will creep back like it never left. ✌..And a beautiful picture of me 😁.