A girl has been bored. When am I never though… But despite everything else your caught up on, (#always your reliable depressive ), I don’t want to dwell on that as of now. I’m in too much of hyped up state to ponder over as of my current bestfriend & long time homeboy, depression. I’m gonna assume your curious on what has me feeling less forlorn than my usual state of being and from that assumption, I’m gonna share what has me feeling different. You’re girl’s been horny as hell (cue the audience’s laughter) …like majorly to the degree I’m fliker’ing my twickie…😂😂 That’s a statement I came up with two nights ago while keeping my sister company as she got drunk on a new alcohol she’d been meaning to try. We were sharing on our impending states of horniness and I told her how it’s in my next budget to get a rabbit vibrator but I’ve got no idea where the money’s gonna come from, ( PS. I’m taking willing donations to get a girl a vibrator, any amount will be appreciated 🤗). So yeah, in the midst of that conversation, I came up with the statement flicker your twickie. What can I say, I’ve been on a journey of forced celibacy for quite a couple months now and it was bound to take a toll on me eventually. Truthfully speaking, I pride myself over how long I can go before giving into my body’s urge to mate if I may call it so and I think this has to be that limit because I can’t help myself from needing some sort of release, (cue the major embarrassment ) but yeah, since I don’t have a man, the next best thing is a little playmate who’ll be utterly at my beck & call and who’ll I’ll not need to impress as much to get a little bit of pleasure from.

Whilst in the subject of partnership, I recently thought about the subject of having a Dominant again as a partner for myself. After such a while of me have stashed away the submissive in me from the front of my mind, she snuck back to remind me that she’s still there and that maybe she feels ready to make a gradual come back. After my last relationship as a submissive, I purposely took a step back from being in any sort of relationship, in regards to being in the normal kind of relationship or the Dom/sub relationship due to the matters of my ever loyal companion, my mental instability. Despite it all though, I have immensely missed the clarity and beauty that I feel as a submissive. The immense pleasure & thrill of it is a high that’s unmatched for me. It’s impossible to forget what it’s like to have such care given to you by a Dominant worthy your submission. I’d be lying if I said the sexual connection isn’t among the bigger perks of why I miss being in a Dom/sub relationship. Therefore recently when I thought about it again, I pondered over whether I feel ample enough to take up the role of a submissive partner to a deserving Dominant. I went through a couple of internalized questions and just really delved deep on whether I feel like I can put myself back into that head space. Let’s just say, I feel I may be ready for it but I’d have to make a few adjustments in concern to my mental health and whether the Dominant will be up for the task of handling me with all my luggage.

Entirely away from that, I’ve been meaning to seriously gush over a book I read recently that I can’t seem to get over just how incredibly wonderful & hilarious it was. Allie Brosh’s book Hyperbole and a Half is a book I didn’t realize just how much I needed to read. It brought me such joy & laughter. I read it in bed at two in the morning and I was laughing so hard, I started wheezing from it. Despite how short it was, it was an incredible read and I’d recommend it to anyone. I can’t forget to mention the imagery used in the book that accentuated it’s hilarious nature all the more. The writer’s sense of humor in the book had me wishing she could be my best friend. The book is mental health related and I loved how I was able to relate with her in some of her experiences with depression. The way she brought out her encounters with depression felt a lot like home for me due to the sense of familiarity & relatability. Hyperbole and a half will probably be among the best books I’ve had the pleasure of reading this year and I’d love to read more of Allie Brosh’s work.

In my spare time, apart from when I’m self loving & reading books, I recently started listening to podcasts as well. Through a girl I follow on social, I came across her podcast which I thought was super cool & insightful especially since the episode I listened to first had a touch of mental health to it. From listening to that episode, it made me wish that I had a friend who related on issues mental health & depression. I’d genuinely love to have someone by my side who understands what it’s like to struggle with an invisible battle. Hell, I’d love to have a best friend who relates on being a fellow crazy and we can laugh at how badly we are done existing, in this life at least… So yeah, I loved listening to that podcasts, it’s called The First Draft on Sportify and Apple Music if anyone would like to check it out. So yeah, I’m glad I got to rope you in on the better parts of my time bored and just in case anyone wants to be my friend, my one requirement is that you’re a touch of crazy and maybe a tad bit depressed too, for the days we both need to hurdle together in our depression 😅.

A Letter to my future lover.. 💏 💑

Dear future lover,

There is so much I need to brief you on about myself and how rough it’s been for me before I met you. I don’t see much need to introduce myself to you because you will have enough time for that in the time I hope we get to spend together, hopefully for as long as my life is deemed worthy .

Can I be honest with you😐, I have really quite searched for you. I have created this image in my head of how I hope you turn out and how you will be just perfect for me. At this point, I feel like am at a dead end in this search for you though I know it’s still quite early for me to conclude that. I can’t wait to laugh it out with you as I tell you all about the guys I have met along the way thinking they were a possible match for you 😅. I truly hope you don’t turn out exactly as I have you in my head because if you do, you will be a fictional character and I need you to be real… I need you to be alive and well for me to finally love and share my life with.

I don’t walk around thinking we are going to meet each other and sparks will fly and I will feel an electric spark when I touch you for the first time. I gotta admit that if that’s a real thing ,a certain part of me wishes it does come true.. But again, I need reality with you so I know not to expect a Romeo and Juliet kind of love. I don’t expect you to be perfect for me at the start, I hope we grow to be perfect for each other instead. I hope that the outpour of our love will be so great, it will flow in torrents and our imperfections will mesh so well that we will just be me the two of us. Pardon my sappiness, I didn’t mean to be so revealing to the world of our future love. 😍

I already have the song I want to sing to you on our wedding day. Btw, I hope you love or at least like Beyonce because you will be hearing a lot of her when with me. I even hope to cristen our first night as your wife to Rocket. Also just to give you a heads up, I really do hope our paths cross soon cause I want us to have a family just as soon. For so long in my mind I have been so selfish with my intentions of when I get my first child. I can tell you now that it will be the greatest joy of my life to bring a child into this world with you .Not so long ago i had given up on waiting to meet you and I was willing to get a child with the wrong man just so I could sate my need for a baby but I chose to wait. I realized it would have been selfish of me to expect you to just accept someone else’s child when they could have been yours from the very start. I truly hope I choose right and I know you will be an amazing dad..

To summarize this letter, I wanna let you in on a little bit of how I will probably be when you first meet me. I will be very skeptical of you and your intentions from the very start. I hope we start as friends before we take a dive into the deep end. I also then might just be probably dating a douche bag when we meet so I expect you to save me from him😁. I have no clue where we will meet, under what circumstances we will meet or whether I will even like you to begin with. It’s just how fate works I guess but I do want to make you a promise which I so often don’t do, I promise you to stop looking for you so hard and stop looking for you in every Tom, Dick and Harry. I will wait for you or for when nature chooses to bring as together. I hope our love endures every mile stone, every challenge life throws at us and everything else that we might not anticipate for then. I hope we learn to forgive each other because I can’t promise you I won’t fail you in more ways than one and that you won’t do the same to me. But through all of it, I hope we pick each other up with love and immense affection & care.

With love,

Your future wife. 💏