Coming to terms with the bitter sweet…

Not too long ago, on this very platform, I did something very unlike myself. I let out emotion and vulnerability in what I believed was love. Now, a lot of things just took a turn and I’m not here to take back what I said but I am here to unarmour myself again and to somewhat cry for lost love, unrequited love and a tinge of heartbreak.

It seems as though I may have bitten a bit more than I could chew earlier when I got into the current relationship if I may at all call it that anymore. When I first spoke of it, I was certain that it would be different, it would have me wishing for nothing more. I wrote of how I was trying to navigate the whole idea that love didn’t equate to time as I had perceived it for quite a while. Now when I think about it, I just might have to stick to the ideology that it does, at least for the sake of myself and to possibly avoid anymore misleading emotion. Can’t really say that the current downfall of my relationship right now is sourly the fault of my perception that maybe love could happen in a matter of a couple conversations and what felt like one’s show of their heart. It wasn’t an absolute misjudgement of my part, sad to say, life happened too. It was SHIT, it still is. I never thought that apart from situations in the like of long distance relationships or toxic partners, I’d ever feel out of emotion for a person due to issues not exactly their fault. I’m embarrassed to say that I can’t quite reveal my reasons for just yearning to end this so called relationship because it genuinely would paint a poor picture of myself. I’ve gone back and forth with myself on whether my reasoning is anyway valid to ending this and I believe in the midst of it all, I stopped feeling so strongly for him and now all that’s left is some form of dull care. The kind of care that in time fizzles out.

You might be wondering why I’ve not ended it yet. I question myself over it too. I realized that I had banked so much hope for this working out, now it just feels like a failure I don’t know how to let go of. A dead heart that I’m still trying to resuscitate. It leaves a bad taste in my tongue just having to admit that even despite thinking it was God sent, it still didn’t work out. Maybe that’s where I went wrong, I misplaced God’s unanswered prayers for one that was entirely my doing. So here I am, trying to work out how to let go of an already sank ship. In the time I’ve had to ponder over how to let go, I came to terms with the fact that I’ve grown scared. I’d secretly held out hope that it was finally no longer going to be lonely for me anymore, that I’d not have to go through life as a lone sailor. I was undoubtedly overjoyed when we started, I knew he’d slay through the thicket and climb over my walls, past the monsters both in and out of my head and through the tight locked door where I stood, ready to quit being alone. It sounds selfish, that the only thing keeping us from absolute disintegration is my fear of being alone. He undoubtedly deserves better than that. I believe in leaving things on a clean slate, I’ve never been one to carry a grudge, at least when it comes to boyfriends turn exs. My poor soul can’t stand to have someone mad at me, it’s a terrible perk. I’m aware that I’m gonna have to sever the ties, regardless of my fears. It’s all I can do to hope I will find contentment within myself and being by myself.

So yeah, with finality in my heart and my mind made up, I know I need to end this. Our so called love was virtual, it spoke and felt volumes of what we wished we would have been. Promises were made, deep words were thrown around in hope that we’d be together in an unbreakable bond. It’s also been terrifying to think of going back on my promises, promises that shouldn’t have been made at all now that I’m no longer under the haze of clouded infatuation. Truthfully a lesson to be learned not to throw around words like ‘need you‘ and ‘can’t survive without…’ around all willy nilly because as of weeks ago, neither of us could keep to our promises of need or survival for each other. The distance between us hasn’t entirely severed my affection for us, for the the short time we got to share whatever we did. I likely still hope, even against my better judgement that maybe just maybe if I’d have the soul to wait, we’d still work something out. But I need to make this final first before I can jump into anything else. It’s all I can do, to hope that it makes sense to him why I am doing this. I can’t speak for where his mind or heart lies in all this but I can hope that it at least makes a tiny bit of sense as to why this is our possible best shot. I will miss what we could have had. I’ll hurt, that’s for sure.

A weakness in Love 👩‍❤️‍👩

I’ve never been one to show weakness out front to the world.. The most I have revealed myself and torn down my high built walls is on this platform. As I write this, I am for the first time choosing to strip myself of my confidence and let it out that I feel a weakness that has been with me & am not sure if I will ever learn to depart from it. It’s a feeling that has rendered me weak for nearly five years now. I knew I wasn’t invisible to it, I just never thought I would feel it this intensely. Just thinking about it is enough to render my heart beats a little bit fast than usual.

I never signed up to feel this kind of way. I never signed up to love someone who at times didn’t feel worth loving ….but I still did. I hate that it’s not new to you for me to speak about how much turmoil this love has brought me. It’s crazy because it ever seems to me like I feel it dig deeper than before. I’ve seen and felt just a substantial amount of pain just for feeling this kind of love. It’s gotten me so damn scared to let go as well as so petrified to try again. I’ve never really known with this kind of love, but one thing’s for sure, it’s given me a weakness I’m not so sure I like to feel.

Time and time again I have gone in circles about how toxic I’ve felt for just feeling this kind of love. I feel unworthy to even mention the love’s name for fear of the shame it may bring me due to prior cases of having written about them. I hate the constant intrusion of thoughts of them being in my mind just because I can’t seem to quite shake off the weak feeling I get from loving them. It’s been an exhausting kind of love to feel if I’m being truly honest. It’s caused me more pain than I wish to go down memory lane for.

Not too long ago, a thought that I want to consider absurd popped up in my mind …that maybe this twisted connection that was created could have been a soul mate connection. But the little scared girl in me is too weak to let that thought out there just in case I stand a chance of great humiliation for even remotely thinking that my sense of weakness could feel as intensely as I do. “On too many occasions did it feel like loving you and you loving me was a game of tag . In all our time together, I placed the burden on you for me being too scared to acknowledge that I was just scared of being alone. I should have handled that better. But even now despite my light bulb moment, I still feel like I will always fall second to you. I will never be enough when it’s all I ever just wanted to be for you. I have hurt you previously because I needed to build a shield for myself to ease the constant feeling of failure of never being good enough.I am now truly sorry for all those times I strived to make you feel like you had to fight just a little for all of my attention when truly In my heart, all you just needed to do was ask. Call this petty or melodramatic but our relationship was never like any other that resembled ours. It’s what made me feel like we were special…the fact that I had never cared for anyone else before you like I did you. My heart had only ever felt that connected to my mother who was in doubt not a stranger to me but with you, you were in all certainty a stranger to me… And that’s what made you special and loving you became a weakness. Because I learned to love you when my heart was bleeding, torn and felt beyond repair. I squeezed you in a heart built of closed off tears and an immense grief that chokes me till date….and for that, you gained a place in a deserted hole too dark to know the difference between pained grief and being understanding …you built a love that became a weakness for me to you …

As I conclude this mini monologue I just had, I’m not too sure I wanna feel this weak anymore. I’m not certain there is an anymore for’ us ‘…It truly hasn’t been the easiest thing letting go. I thought that if I put enough strength into hating you, it would change how I feel about truly still caring for you.. I don’t wanna put myself up for another feel or sense of loss like I already do now. I just want to be comfortable enough to let go of caring enough to let myself go from having you as a weakness. I need to quit tying myself around you over and over again and finally just slowly and fully let you go. I don’t wish that our story would have been different because then I never would have felt like we were the special duo that we both can agree to have been. I hope that when I don’t feel so weak and so scared, I will be able to cross that bridge enough to be this weak upfront with you.

Enough Hate or Love… New found need to Forgive.

Not many a times do we as individuals admit to our short comings as human beings. We could sing our praises to ourselves and others on top of the highest cliff but never would we be caught alive speaking out our failures in life and what we aren’t good at 😐. Well, I am here to release myself from that confinement of not being able to acknowledge to the world, let alone myself of how much of a failure I am when it comes to forgiveness.

Forgiving for me is one of the hardest thing to do. Like a conceited normal human being, I hope to be forgiven when I wrong others but it’s quite the task for me to reciprocate to those who hurt me. Que eye roll for all the conceited people like I am in the world 🙄. Luckily, I only find forgiveness hard for people who constantly repeat the action of hurting me in different means or aspects and they keep thinking that since I probably did it the first time, I can forgive them again. But that’s where they are wrong, I say to them I have forgiven them but in the real sense, I don’t honestly think I do. Forgiveness to me is completely ridding someone of any source/memory of pain and anger that I held over their heads not just verbally but mentally, emotionally and psychologically. If I say I forgive you and actually mean it, it means that I hold no memory in all those above aspects of whatever hurt you might have caused me.

It might seem that am letting out all this because it gives me a heavy heart to not be able to forgive; your wrong. I sleep perfectly with myself despite carrying all that anger and resentment towards the person I can’t forgive. I know it’s a load of a lot of crappy emotional fuel I don’t need and it’s not good energy but I relish in it. I relish in the feel of all that pain and anger and hold onto it so tightly because it fuels what I simply call, my need for revenge.

But enough of that…i am not proud of my need for vengeance. Neither am a proud that I find it hard to forgive. I believe it’s about time I learned how to and learn to let go of that pain & anger I hold so closely to my heart. Since the year started, I have been going on and on about how am choosing to let go of all those people who have been a drag in a my life and are as meaningless as the dirt on the ground to me. Well, news flash, it’s been quite the hoax. I say this cause all that brag about me letting go has been just that, a brag. I haven’t even come close to the thought of letting go, at least not until now. Reason being I feel entitled to hold on to that anger because it’s justified you know, it’s rightfully mine to feel. That’s the soul reason we hold onto any emotion, because we choose to own it rather than feel it and then let go.

I have been holding quite a lot of anger towards a certain person in my life who has been quite the character. I have known them for remotely since the beginning of highschool. To say she hasn’t been one if not the greatest factor as to why am writing about my new found need to forgive ,would be me lying to myself and you the reader. Yes, she is that factor that’s been the reason for my unfulfilled ‘brag’. I had told myself I wouldn’t rant about her on my blog because that would be a waste of words and time just talking about how much I recent her and how terrible of a being she has been in my life. But am not doing this for her. We have had quite the rollercoaster in our friendship. We started off as friends who had similar interests and our new found friendship grew to being best friends. We have hurt each other, one of us more times than the other. She made me loathe highschool cause it became more of a nightmare for me piled up on the already shitty feeling I got from being there. And every time she hurt me, I would get angry and I then think my affection for her would overcome the anger so it would seem like I forgave her .But the memories of pain stayed with me and that’s all it took for my heart to know, I never really forgave her.

Recently, I think I just got to my breaking point. The anger & hatred I feel towards her is completely overwhelming. Like this is the last straw in our friendship and relationship in whole. I am exhausted from the break ups to the make ups in our friendship that am completely burned out from it and I chose to completely call it quits. I may have thought I did so by blocking her social accounts and not talking to her but my mind is still swirling with anger and frustration towards her and I need for it to stop. This isn’t just for the last time she might have hurt me, this is for all the pent up anger, hate and resentment I have held towards her for over four years now. It overlooks any good memories we have shared because I chose to own the pain more than I chose to own the good that she ever did. This doesn’t exclude me. I have hurt her too in my search for vengeance, others she might not even know I did.

I think it’s time I let bygones be bygones. Not just brag about letting go and not giving a shit about her but actually do it. I know it won’t take one post on my blog to get over the pent up anger I have but I want this to be the start of me not hating her or loving her. I want this to be the start of completely erasing her from my life. I don’t know if I will ever forgive her but I sure do want to forget the pain she caused that I have carried for quite too long. I need a new sense of emotion stronger than pain & anger. I want to relinquish any claim I have over the pain and anger she has caused me because it’s me who’s hurting all this while. I need to move on from her… I need to take back my power over my emotions. Not just with her but for any other anger that might have been caused by others to me. I have been picking up my pieces in my relationship with God and every night when I pray, I make sure to ask for forgiveness from Him for all my short comings and displeasures that may have been displeasing to him. I realized yesterday that why should I plead for my forgiveness from The Almighty when I can’t do the same for someone else. I don’t deserve His forgiveness but His mercies endures forever. Mine may not but I can at least try to forgive and release myself of that bondage of anger and resentment. As I pray for the forgiveness of my sins, I too will pray for God to give me a forgiving heart. ✌

Pissful Grave

Do you really know what someone next to you is feeling? Do you understand the lengths of what their thoughts are and why they act a certain way? Do you understand what’s going on in their minds? Answer to all those questions is no. What if the person tells you what they are feeling. Or what’s in their minds and why they plaster smiles on their faces or why they scowl. It supposed to mean something to you and it’s supposed to spike something from you. It makes you accountable. Not for what the person may do to others or themselves, you become accountable just because you knew. If I took a gun to my head and a pulled the trigger,with my friends knowing that I asked for help or told them I was not mentally okay, are they accountable to hate themselves for not being good friends and asking why and how they could have helped before my last result was killing myself? Ask yourself that, are you a friend or a good friend, do you care enough or do you just care?I am learning my friends and those who are good to me, I am learning those who would probably weep on my grave and those whose tears would feel a lot like piss. Something tells me my grave would be draining a lot of piss. Sadly. P s. Next time I ever open up about my depression and anxiety to anyone, I’d rather you don’t say anything at all than tell me “it’s going to be okay“or “it takes time”. I don’t think I have it in me to listen once more.

My resolve

My whole resolve of what I want in a relationship is commitment. Do I have it all wrong and jumping into conclusion that I am not good enough anymore and that’s why you never there? Is this me jumping into conclusion that you no longer look at me the same, that the sparkle in your eyes no longer lights up for me like it did?I am so far behind in your mind that you don’t recall to say hi. Maybe I’m not as innocent too because my mind keeps reeling from whether your worth it anymore. Worth my patience and my feelings. Don’t take it wrong, I want to stick around and be there. There there, not there to be forgotten or assumed but to be acknowledged and loved. To be remembered as a part of you and not as your cuddle buddy. It’s not too much to ask is it, that I want things to be different. I don’t want you to be different.Maybe I simply don’t want you anymore. Maybe I want someone who will be there and not keep me in the shadows like a dark secret. It’s no longer up-to you for me to wait, patience has never really been a virtue of mine anyways. I know you care, you just don’t care enough. No need to beat ourselves up over spilt milk, we buy new milk in a new packet. I guess I cared too, just not enough to be pushed farther away everyday.

My resolve is I cared, just not enough to question my self worth for you and whether being good enough to watch you slip is strength or weakness. We cared,then.✌