Coming to terms with the bitter sweet…

Not too long ago, on this very platform, I did something very unlike myself. I let out emotion and vulnerability in what I believed was love. Now, a lot of things just took a turn and I’m not here to take back what I said but I am here to unarmour myself again and to somewhat cry for lost love, unrequited love and a tinge of heartbreak.

It seems as though I may have bitten a bit more than I could chew earlier when I got into the current relationship if I may at all call it that anymore. When I first spoke of it, I was certain that it would be different, it would have me wishing for nothing more. I wrote of how I was trying to navigate the whole idea that love didn’t equate to time as I had perceived it for quite a while. Now when I think about it, I just might have to stick to the ideology that it does, at least for the sake of myself and to possibly avoid anymore misleading emotion. Can’t really say that the current downfall of my relationship right now is sourly the fault of my perception that maybe love could happen in a matter of a couple conversations and what felt like one’s show of their heart. It wasn’t an absolute misjudgement of my part, sad to say, life happened too. It was SHIT, it still is. I never thought that apart from situations in the like of long distance relationships or toxic partners, I’d ever feel out of emotion for a person due to issues not exactly their fault. I’m embarrassed to say that I can’t quite reveal my reasons for just yearning to end this so called relationship because it genuinely would paint a poor picture of myself. I’ve gone back and forth with myself on whether my reasoning is anyway valid to ending this and I believe in the midst of it all, I stopped feeling so strongly for him and now all that’s left is some form of dull care. The kind of care that in time fizzles out.

You might be wondering why I’ve not ended it yet. I question myself over it too. I realized that I had banked so much hope for this working out, now it just feels like a failure I don’t know how to let go of. A dead heart that I’m still trying to resuscitate. It leaves a bad taste in my tongue just having to admit that even despite thinking it was God sent, it still didn’t work out. Maybe that’s where I went wrong, I misplaced God’s unanswered prayers for one that was entirely my doing. So here I am, trying to work out how to let go of an already sank ship. In the time I’ve had to ponder over how to let go, I came to terms with the fact that I’ve grown scared. I’d secretly held out hope that it was finally no longer going to be lonely for me anymore, that I’d not have to go through life as a lone sailor. I was undoubtedly overjoyed when we started, I knew he’d slay through the thicket and climb over my walls, past the monsters both in and out of my head and through the tight locked door where I stood, ready to quit being alone. It sounds selfish, that the only thing keeping us from absolute disintegration is my fear of being alone. He undoubtedly deserves better than that. I believe in leaving things on a clean slate, I’ve never been one to carry a grudge, at least when it comes to boyfriends turn exs. My poor soul can’t stand to have someone mad at me, it’s a terrible perk. I’m aware that I’m gonna have to sever the ties, regardless of my fears. It’s all I can do to hope I will find contentment within myself and being by myself.

So yeah, with finality in my heart and my mind made up, I know I need to end this. Our so called love was virtual, it spoke and felt volumes of what we wished we would have been. Promises were made, deep words were thrown around in hope that we’d be together in an unbreakable bond. It’s also been terrifying to think of going back on my promises, promises that shouldn’t have been made at all now that I’m no longer under the haze of clouded infatuation. Truthfully a lesson to be learned not to throw around words like ‘need you‘ and ‘can’t survive without…’ around all willy nilly because as of weeks ago, neither of us could keep to our promises of need or survival for each other. The distance between us hasn’t entirely severed my affection for us, for the the short time we got to share whatever we did. I likely still hope, even against my better judgement that maybe just maybe if I’d have the soul to wait, we’d still work something out. But I need to make this final first before I can jump into anything else. It’s all I can do, to hope that it makes sense to him why I am doing this. I can’t speak for where his mind or heart lies in all this but I can hope that it at least makes a tiny bit of sense as to why this is our possible best shot. I will miss what we could have had. I’ll hurt, that’s for sure.

Choosing to Care just a little bit More..

To be truthfully honest, I am summing up courage and will to put my current thoughts out here. I’ve kept repeating to myself that maybe it’s a bit too early to be expressing what I’m about to write out to the world but what the hell, it’s sorta now or never. It’s in the same concept of how I view loving someone and when is it more than just love…when is it the right time to admit not just to self but to others that you are feeling in love. Stereotypically, I’ve come to the acknowledgement that I affiliate love to a period of time. It always has seemed absurd that people could bring themselves to believe that in just a couple of months of knowing someone and exchanging vulnerabilities, one could peg themselves into thinking that they were in love with the person to whom they were getting to know. It was more absurd to me if I mentioned to a friend that I was talking to someone new and their first question would be whether I love the guy… It just doesn’t seem possible to feel such intensity in such a short manner of time. Though, maybe I am wrong because I’m beginning to see that what might have been and felt impossible and beyond absurd to me, is slowly & steadily changing right before my eyes.

Earlier in the year, in what I’d call my Faith moments, I prayed to God for a boyfriend. I told Him that I wanted someone who’d make me their world and not just a part of it but more so all of it. I was quite serious with my prayer and I was devoted to believing that God would come through. Over time, I fell back into routine where praying just kind of drifted away from my mind (p.s God forgive me) and I completely forgot that I’d been praying for a boyfriend with specifics in check. Now, over near three months later, here I am deliriously happy in a relationship that isn’t even a full two months old. It seems I’ve been breaking a lot of my own ideologies concerning love & falling in love. I’ve always separated the two aspects of love. Even the term caring hasn’t been one I’ve used lightly before, it’s actually what I’ve considered a lot of my past relationships as, them based on care rather than love. Caring to me is showing affection for one’s well-being and maybe due to that limiting factor, I didn’t suffer the intense aggony people seem to feel when they part with their partners. In my previous relationships, I struggled quite a lot to let my walls down and my guard as well. I had boundaries my partners didn’t even know existed. I was well aware I cared for them, for the physical and mental well being but I couldn’t bring myself to involve emotion into that sequence. I cared, but not too much. I let my guard down, but just enough for them to feel my presence. I didn’t love them and I wasn’t in love with them either. Back to the present, something has changed. Things have supposedly become everything emotional. Maybe it’s because, my current significant other showed me his flaws before he could introduce me to the rest of himself. Or maybe it’s because he expressed love for my flaws before he could see the less damaged sides of me. I can’t be certain what among the mirage of things between us has made our relationship special but I can say with certainty that emotions are now the biggest part of our relationship.

On the day we asked each other if we could be each others significant other, I remembered the prayers I had talked to God about giving me a boyfriend. Before then, I was ridden with doubt that this would turn out to be just too good to be true but in that moment when I remembered that I’d prayed for this, every sense of doubt dropped from my shoulders like I weight I had been carrying. I told myself that I’d take that as my sign that God had heard my prayers and He’d given me what I had asked for. A boyfriend who’d show me that my vulnerability to emotion could be something beautiful. That I didn’t need to time myself to how fast I’d care more than I was accustomed to. Now, I kinda do believe that love knows no time frame because it’s early in my relationship but I know for sure that I love him and he has relayed to feeling the same towards me. I’m no longer gonna just put one foot in and the rest of my body out. I definitely do deserve to be loved by someone with the emotional depth of more than a pin cushion and I definitely deserve to express more than just care to someone deserving of more love than my mere words can express.

P.S I’m not too sure if I’ve made sense with this post but hope it’s clear enough to have brought across the point of it all. Love, Dawn.

Stranger Enigma

I need you you know, and you need me, it’s just a matter of time before we realize just how much. “

He wants to fall with me. I’m uncertain he’s ready for whatever that might mean, for either of us. He insists I shut up every time I try to tell him that he’s always gonna have an out from me… right after, he insists that if he hurts at the end of it all, it will be on him. He is quite strange but I’ve gotta admit it’s beginning to grow on me. Quite the straight forward boy he is, can quite easily come off as cocky and you know what’s said about cocky boys… Me too, I’m not too certain what they say about cocky boys but I guess there’s gotta be a saying out there somewhere. Back to the straight forward stranger, if I were to be honest, he had me when he had the gall to text me that I needed him. Me who is trying to eliminate the term need from my vocabulary, here he is with the very word I’m trying to uncling myself from. I have never had anyone pack a mean pair of balls like he has approaching me like that. I wasn’t sure if that pick up line has worked for other girls but I was sure not gonna let him know it worked on me. I handed his ass back right to him for I have a reputation to maintain. #noemotion 💪🏾. Curious question though, is playing hard to get a thing that everyone does, girls to be specific and how long should it go for before you burn out of bullets to shoot him down with…? Anyway, this stranger keeps seeming quite different from the typical boy who’s chances of giving in run much higher. I don’t know what to make of it, still treading carefully. I might be a tad bit emotionless in this field but a girl’s gotta still armour herself, just in case you know, he is the one who finally breaks through.

Now I can say this is with utter conviction, this stranger brings out the heavy lain corniness outta me, I’m half the time embarrased by our conversations. Like its beyond cringe worthy if I had to expose it to the world but there’s a minor joy brought about by the corny which makes me happy and giddy, like a little happy girl which I know I’ve not felt with anyone else besides him. I wanted to start this update with the heavy disclaimer that this isn’t a love letter to the said stranger. It’s just a bunch of spitballs to bring clarity to me and my mind towards this boy who promises me the world over and over again, and despite the impossibility of that fact, he always seems to bring out a smile on my face. He and I haven’t met in person and if either of us were normal human beings, we’d have our first meet all planned out but no, he and I intend to surprise each other. Just basic conditions in place but he seems to like walking around with an air of mystery to him. Truth be told, I’m trying to keep up. He’s a dreamer alright, seems to have ‘our‘ time together all planned out to the very last second. I like it kinda, men who thrive on control ease me up a bit … I no longer know what we are doing, he is an enigma right now, maybe he’ll retain it but my attention is definitely drawn…for emphasis, he’s got me picking up his phone calls which many can attest to of how bad I’m at when it comes to picking calls, as a matter of fact, he’s gotten me doing it every nightfall. I sure don’t recognize myself anymore when it comes to him. Here I am making adjustments to myself for a stranger…. but, a little secret, I’m totally okay with the changes he’s bringing out.

Like I said earlier, this isn’t a love letter or anything close. I don’t even think I’m poetic enough to conjure words that resemble those of lovers to each other. We can call this an introduction of my new enigma. I’ve obviously not delved enough for y’all to seriously see why he’s got my attention captive but maybe down the line, I’ll rope y’all in on more about this quite interesting stranger of mine. But for now, just know, a girl just might be smitten. 😅