Dear Depression ,I can’t begin to imagine how many times you’ve received letters from others who’ve been acquainted with you. I wish I’d say it didn’t bug me that others have felt you in some form or way but it surely does. I am never ready or excited to share or hear of other people’s encounters with you, it unnerves me for some reason. I’m yet to figure out exactly why. I wish I was somewhat prepared with bullet points on what i’d wanna say to you but i honestly don’t have a plan on how to do this. You do that to me… render me speechless & drain me of any strength that I’d have put into making some sort of effort, at anything technically. But I’m not mad at you, on the contrary, you’ve been the longest underrated relationship I’ve been in for the better part of my life. You maintained consistence even without always being at the fore front of my mind. I felt you way long before I understood what you were or what you represented. Then, you preyed on my naivety on the lack of articulation & appropriate description of what you did to me ; on what you made me feel. I always just thought I was an akward, sad and lonely kid while all along, you planted your seeds in me and watered them over the years until you were strong enough to sprout out of the ground that was /is my mind.I don’t honestly need an answer for why you chose me, or why you altered my personality to match the aesthetics of your nature. It wouldn’t make sense to seek such an answer since I wouldn’t know who I’d be weren’t it for your meddling…and anyway, you have never been one to explain yourself ,you thrive on the uncertainties you give. What a lot of people don’t understand is that you are limitless, it should be explainable since you are a guest to many. I can’t elaborate on your whereabouts while dealing with other people, no, you have made certain that you are the center of my attention & are rooted as a part of me whereby seeing & living beyond you is downright impossible.When I said you’ve stuck around for a while it’s because you have been there for as long as I can recall. You were there when I couldn’t explain why I felt this immense sadness inside me to my mother. You watched in the shadows as I struggled to bring to sense to her that I was feeling everything different from every other child around me. That I was scared, anxious & the least carefree. You’d just started to wrap your arms around me for it was just a matter of time before you’d fully have to engulf me. Before long ,you made yourself known to me, you came to me in the face of grief, anguish & an Inerasable sadness that became the beginning of your true manifestation in my mind. You carried me in your arms & sunk me under. You sunk deeper in me and built a wall behind my thoughts & feelings where it was only ever gonna be you and I. Eight years down, you and I have created a history so deeply inbedded, it’s turned to a maze.…you are no longer just an overhwelming sadness that pops up when I can’t handle the gravity and the intensity of my emotions. You are the face of the grief I feel when I miss my mum. You are the face of the sorrow I feel when I get paralysed in my mind as a fourteen year old girl who’s every dream with her mum got shattered after I learned that I’d have to live without her for the rest of my life. Depression,you are the face of the constant fear & anxiety that engulfs me over not being good enough for anyone, even for myself. The face of the abandonment issues that plague me everytime I make a friend or have a lover. You are the face of the shame I carry every time I have to bandage up my cuts so I don’t have to feel them, let alone see them. You depression are the face of the self destructing habits I’ve picked up on everytime I can’t deal with the betrayal from my mind…As of now, I can’t tell if you are my fiend or my friend. Sometimes you are all it takes to remind me that I am human & that as much as I try to escape pain, I’m rendered in it. So for now, you are my face, you are my demons & for all I know, you might be me for the rest of my life.
I’m not sure whether people often do this but it recently feels like I’ve been blind siding myself with what I want when it comes to those who intentionally if not accidentally fall in love with me. Nobody ever tells you it’s hard to be true with what you want or expect… to be upfront with your expectations & needs from others. They never tell you that you may feel guilt, shame, fear & doubt in the midst of asking for what feels deserving to you. Well I guess I may not necessary be speaking on everyone’s behalf. For those like me, some of us are just grateful enough to have someone care for us, even if it’s not necessarily in the way we would have liked.So here I am, about to say what I hardly ever allow myself to express in the open. If you fall in love with me, I need you to know that I’m a wreck inside. It might not be the best first thing to know, but I need you to be aware of it. I’m not broken or at least I don’t think I am, but I am slightly damaged though not too far gone that I won’t want to sink in your love, for I’ll pour out mine in torrents. Brace yourself for the constant show of care I’ll give you. I’m a caregiver, a lover and I’ll always want to be your friend even if we are not together. A whole lot of times, I’ll be selfless & put you first, even if it’s on my expense. A part of me is drawn to the dark & I’ll need you to love those parts of me too. I’ll need you to be patient with those parts of me that will reflect a hollow pit inside me that’s exactly that, a part of me. You may never understand it or wrap your head around it, but it will still need you. My demons aren’t pretty, but they can love too.I don’t want to tell you the obvious things. I want to let you in on the unconventional parts of loving me. I want you to see the dark before ever being exposed to my light. You’ll give up, won’t be the first either way but you’ll stand a chance to be the odd one out, for I’ll show you the tarnish before the good. Your love will be questioned, it’ll be put to the test of how resilient it is against the demons in my head. I don’t need you to try fix me, I need you to learn to accept them. The greatest battle you’ll face with loving someone like me, will not just be sticking around, it’ll be accepting my scars, both from the past, present & the future.Just as I expect sincerity from you, I’m obligated to give you the same. Your love might need to be strong for the both of us ,at least at the start. I might need to clutch on it before I’m able to get a bearing of how to manoeuvre around. I don’t feel good enough on a lot of times & your reassurance will be appreciated. That’s the only part of I allow myself to be selfish with. Vulnerability doesn’t come easy, I’ve not been given reason prior to be open with it. Don’t blame yourself if for my hesitation, I believe that if your love shakes up my ground, my heart will know that it’s finally ready to let you in. Don’t walk away, don’t close your eyes; they say if love is pain, well darling, let’s hurt tonight. ..and finally, if I do fall right back in love with you, you’ll be my world. Even when I’m a wreck, even when I feel torn, you’ll be all I’ll want. My love will come with my heart, my soul ,my body & maybe, just maybe, we can tame my mind together. I’ll fall in love with every part of you, the beautiful, the dark, the scared, the happy, I’ll want to be a part of everything you are willing to let me. We don’t need to be real in this reality, you & I can be real in my fantasy.
I’ve heard a lot about you from probably everywhere and everyone.I have read about you in quotes, seen books about you… They all have their own victory stories of you and how great it is to have you around. You and I don’t have much of a history together so I can’t really vouch for you. I feel more of snippets of you and I guess I can’t really say you stay long enough around me for me to fully understand you. People have made you seem like such an easy pick and I honestly can’t blame them. You are the source of greater good as it may seem.
A little walk down memory lane with you is when I had my mum around. I still never really understood you but I can positively say I felt you fully. Best moments of my life. Right after her, I didn’t really feel you anymore. I would have ‘chosen’ you as everyone kept repeating to me but I really didn’t see the need for it. I’m sorry I didn’t deem myself worthy of you.
Today I really still don’t know much about you apart from the usual occasional times you make an appearance when I’m around my family. Thank you for that. It’s hard enough that I don’t understand, especially when everyone else seems to want to shove you down my throat. Nobody has ever really asked me whether I want you apart of me. It’s always, “You gotta choose to be happy Mercy, life’s too short to always feel sad & depressed. You gotta want it bad enough “. How I wish I thought it was that easy.
To be quite honest happiness, all I have ever known is the space between you and darkness.It’s an uncommon oblivion. I’m not emotionally stable to handle you. Maybe in the near future, I will feel worthy of you or at most open to the prospect of you but as for now, allow me to try figure things out. I may be in a toxic depressive state right now and not thinking straight but it’s all I’ve ever known. My mind has only ever known how to conjure up darkness ,self pity ,loss, little to no self worth and constant fear of drastic change. Can you honestly blame me for fearing you? You’re unknown territory to me and I’m scared. I hope to have you as my light at the end of the tunnel, I really do but I can’t promise you it’s going to be an easy road to getting to you. I wish everyone could understand that about me. That happiness, positivity and all those shindigs are new to me. I’ve only ever considered happiness in so very few things in my life and most of them tag along with things I hope to achieve in my future.
Anyways ,I just thought that it would be a good time to write this to you when I remotely feel calmer. I don’t expect you or anyone else to understand. I just wish I could have a little bit more time to understand myself and what incorporating you in my life would mean for me. When I’m ready to let go of everything else that I’m holding onto, I will find my way to you.