Under a full moon, I sinned tonight. I did what I thought I’d vowed in my heart to not partake in but here I am, with the stench of it as a reminder that I broke my silent promise. Sanctity destroyed. I’m numb and guilty all bundled up in one. I wish I could say I had the chance to stop myself and truthfully speaking, I had all the chances and enough reason not to defile that promise…but I did. It’s done, and will probably happen again.

I’ve been on a quest for the past week, a quest for a poison I truly didn’t need. Fueled by some miniature need to fit in; where, I’m not sure. The quest deemed futile which made it all the more enticing to attain. Today, I got what my mind thought it needed, for I can say with certainty, my heart knew it wasn’t essential.

That’s the thing about illusions of the mind, they are insatiable to say the least. My quest was sought out to satiate an illusion of a need that had nothing to do with my current state of mind. I knew better, but I still went ahead and sought it out. The feeling was fleeting, less than I had hoped it would last. I thought that if maybe finally finishing my quest would feel victorious but despite it all, I wasn’t that out of it to believe I’d feel a false sense of pride for getting to the end. Curse my mind for not being deceiving enough.

Guilt reeks off me like the stench of the two cigarettes I just smoked. Behind the latrines of my backyard, approximately seventeen minutes after the assurance that my dad just left the house. I swore I’d never smoke at home, it’s sanctity should have meant more to me than tobacco in my lungs. There I was, breathing it in, in the very same darkness I claim to fear so vehemently but it seems like tonight, I was hoping to disappear in it, to keep my cover hidden. Like the smoke blown from my lungs, I hoped that the guilt of my doing could fade into the night as well. My dad may be in the dark from my defilement but my mum’s spirit, not so much. I apologized to her picture in my room just before I took the cigarettes from their current hiding place, just so it wouldn’t feel like I was figuratively pissing on her grave. “I’m sorry mum, I know I knew better.” I’m sure you wonder, if I knew better, why go ahead and do it, or maybe, you might already know the answer.

I took up smoking for the fancy of it. Thought that maybe it was about time I picked a poison. I’m not a drinker, so I thought why not smoke, add to another illusion of being aesthetic to my already messed self. Got over it quite as quickly as I’d picked up the habit, got bored if I can call it that. It wasn’t doing for me all that I felt I needed it to do. So then why after months later, did I so insistently yearn to smoke again, for I can assure you, the two cigarettes I just had, didn’t do what I thought they would for me. I can say with absolute certainty, I’m not the definition of a good person. At least, not with the stream of choices made recently. Tonight, I’ve defiled not only my home, but the recovery process of my mind. Like I said, guilt hovers like a cloud formed halo, this time, just one made of smoke.

“Baptize me in river of guilt, but raise me back up with rivelts of forgiveness” Dawn.

I know, not the most captivating title but I’m not sorry I didn’t come up with something better. That’s the best I could do anyway… So, again with the title, a little depressing but I’ve been meaning to elaborate to the world on my hopelessness and how wildly it sometimes makes me feel. For a precise elaboration, the term depressive is meant to bring insight to the fact that I don’t think that the drastic measures my mind seeks to end feelings in the likes of hopelessness is something that occurs in just any person’s mind. It takes a specific kind of sick to view shit the way I do, to want to solve issues the way I think makes sense which finally brings me to the highlight that the way I view or turn to resolving issues I go through isn’t similar for every person who struggles with mental issues. I was very precise in using the term ‘this’ to highlight that whatever I’m about to write is how I view things and how I feel towards them.

Besides it being a first for me to explain my title in detail, I just want to put it out there that I don’t intend to be metaphoric in my words today. I’m too hopeless as it is to wow anyone with my ‘great’ expressions of pain. I’m too drained out; that’s what feeling hopeless is about right? Feeling like there’s not a chance for anything good happening or punning out for you.. Yeah, sure sounds a lot like where I’m stuck at right now.

Where to start, not sure? A lot like everyone else, I had this grand plan for the beginning of the year but twenty days in, I’m willing ready to wrap this shit up. My needs are overwhelmingly piled up and I have no absolute means to meet each of them. To be frank, they aren’t some over the top things that I want but they are basic things that I need. I finish school in a three weeks time. I’ll be done with my diploma and where I’m from, the stereotype is that the end of one chapter or phase of life, is the absolute immediate beginning of another. No questions asked, no gap periods taken, its pretty much hopping from one wagon to the next at every stop. I’ve had it asked to me countlessly what I intended to do right after I’m done but I’ve pretty much got nothing besides heading home and working on my writing. I’m not upset about not having some grand plan to fall back on once school is done cause I genuinely need to ease off the pressure that’s been weighing in on me for a while now. What has me feeling a tad bit upset is those around me who feel like they are entitled to questioning me about what my plans are after school and why there are no immediate plans underway to get me a job. Like I’m not frustrated enough.

Feeling hopeless isn’t something I’m unfamiliar with. What can I say, I’ve got a history of things never punning out for me, not much of a surprise there… My hope is attached to the part of me that’s a christian, the part of me that believes in God therefore I rely on Him for my hopes and aspirations. I’m not knee deep into religion, I’m not even sure I’m religious but I am spiritual. Even for the most basic of things that I’d require luck, I still sorta run it through God in a verbal and brief way.. ‘Hey, I know I’ve not spoken to you in a while but could you please let me not fail in today’s paper, I’d be really grateful ‘…This will be my words pretty soon when I sit for my finals. I can’t say my mini prayers always go through as I want but I do know they are heard but being the human that I am, I am constantly asking for more and crossing my fingers that miraculously it will pun out as I want it to…

Weeks later….

I can’t even recall how long ago it was when I started this precise update and for sure is that I’ve lost my train of thought though not entirely, can’t say I’m any more hopeful than I was while writing this. To bring y’all to where I’m at now, I’m done with school…(cue the applause). Truthfully speaking, I wish that applause was more real than the one that goes on in my head everytime I think of the fact that I’m done with school… but away from that, it doesn’t really matter anymore that nobody recognized that me finishing school was more grand than anything for me, at least in my eyes it was…

Back to hopelessness, it’s still very much there…probably now more than ever. I’ve felt hopeless in ripples and it’s taken its toll and now it’s more of just a constant feeling that I’ve honestly become accustomed to. At first, I was sure it was gonna take me down the depression express but as I began to feel the wake of the dark season set in, I was like, am I honestly ready to deal with all the bullshit this early into the year, absolutely not. Therefore, I put on my big girl panties and decided I’d just let it roll off my back, cut out the things making me feel hopeless or better yet, assume their existence in my mind. I don’t dispute that I need to figure shit out but I won’t do it on the expense of my mind deteriorating. Truthfully speaking, I’m not ready to start fighting with myself and with whether it’s worth living through. So the hopelessness is still there, just tucked away for a later time…