Boredom

Boredom

My mother always told me that boredom is a choice. It quite vexed me as a little child to hear that after I just yelled out how bored I was feeling. To say the least, I am still vexed. Today, I am still rocking in the same boat, more now than I have felt in a very long time. I wake up at noon, have a cigarette, have brunch and then sit to wonder what else is next. To give a bit of a background to my slow routine, I am freshly out of college, freshly being used lightly in this case. I finished school a year ago so now when I say it out loud, the term freshly is quite expired.

Interview

Earlier this week I had my first internship interview for the course I studied in school and to say the least, I just went through the motions. I was not prepared for the effort it took to get out of bed, shower and leave the house all before eleven in the morning. While I was taking a shower, it took absolute willpower to not back out from going to that interview. It was a lot of willpower that is for sure.

The interview went well. I am still waiting on their response but I am hopefull. Hence the waiting game.

This is for YoU.

This is for those unwanting of the new year. It is for those whose uncertainties in life didn’t magically disappear just because the new year is here. It is also for those whose sadness didn’t escape them when the clock hit midnight. These little words are for you.

I haven’t felt much of anything in a brief moment. When in regard to feelings, I wanna believe that my thought trajectory is always leaning on happier feelings, feelings of light and joy. Sometimes maybe even a little bit of peace. It is the new year and I can’t seem to feel the light and love going on around the world. Do I necessarily think it’s my fault that I feel forlorn at the start of a year that is magically supposed to bring cheer, no, not really? I understand hope and faith in wanting this time around to be different but what for us who can’t seem to grasp those little motions of hoping for another year of change. I read somewhere that sometimes all in one year, one is capable of living three years in one. Can’t blame me for feeling scared that this new year might in turn bring me three years instead of one.

This is for the unprepared. These words are for the sceptic people not sure of themselves enough to find joy in the new year. This is for those still carrying remnants of the day ago year that still lingers. For those who feel their losses so immensely, the beginning of a new year would be like erasing the memory of the loved one no longer there. This is for those who would rather not sit through doing a recap of their past year for it would mean scaling back old wounds. All of this is for us who will take it a day at a time as always.

I’m not sure whether people often do this but it recently feels like I’ve been blind siding myself with what I want when it comes to those who intentionally if not accidentally fall in love with me. Nobody ever tells you it’s hard to be true with what you want or expect… to be upfront with your expectations & needs from others. They never tell you that you may feel guilt, shame, fear & doubt in the midst of asking for what feels deserving to you. Well I guess I may not necessary be speaking on everyone’s behalf. For those like me, some of us are just grateful enough to have someone care for us, even if it’s not necessarily in the way we would have liked.So here I am, about to say what I hardly ever allow myself to express in the open. If you fall in love with me, I need you to know that I’m a wreck inside. It might not be the best first thing to know, but I need you to be aware of it. I’m not broken or at least I don’t think I am, but I am slightly damaged though not too far gone that I won’t want to sink in your love, for I’ll pour out mine in torrents. Brace yourself for the constant show of care I’ll give you. I’m a caregiver, a lover and I’ll always want to be your friend even if we are not together. A whole lot of times, I’ll be selfless & put you first, even if it’s on my expense. A part of me is drawn to the dark & I’ll need you to love those parts of me too. I’ll need you to be patient with those parts of me that will reflect a hollow pit inside me that’s exactly that, a part of me. You may never understand it or wrap your head around it, but it will still need you. My demons aren’t pretty, but they can love too.I don’t want to tell you the obvious things. I want to let you in on the unconventional parts of loving me. I want you to see the dark before ever being exposed to my light. You’ll give up, won’t be the first either way but you’ll stand a chance to be the odd one out, for I’ll show you the tarnish before the good. Your love will be questioned, it’ll be put to the test of how resilient it is against the demons in my head. I don’t need you to try fix me, I need you to learn to accept them. The greatest battle you’ll face with loving someone like me, will not just be sticking around, it’ll be accepting my scars, both from the past, present & the future.Just as I expect sincerity from you, I’m obligated to give you the same. Your love might need to be strong for the both of us ,at least at the start. I might need to clutch on it before I’m able to get a bearing of how to manoeuvre around. I don’t feel good enough on a lot of times & your reassurance will be appreciated. That’s the only part of I allow myself to be selfish with. Vulnerability doesn’t come easy, I’ve not been given reason prior to be open with it. Don’t blame yourself if for my hesitation, I believe that if your love shakes up my ground, my heart will know that it’s finally ready to let you in. Don’t walk away, don’t close your eyes; they say if love is pain, well darling, let’s hurt tonight. ..and finally, if I do fall right back in love with you, you’ll be my world. Even when I’m a wreck, even when I feel torn, you’ll be all I’ll want. My love will come with my heart, my soul ,my body & maybe, just maybe, we can tame my mind together. I’ll fall in love with every part of you, the beautiful, the dark, the scared, the happy, I’ll want to be a part of everything you are willing to let me. We don’t need to be real in this reality, you & I can be real in my fantasy.

So the first month of the new year is over and this is what I have to say for it. That was utter shit!!! Like Seriously. Despite the fact I can’t remember much of what’s happened over January, maybe since there wasn’t much happening, this is the write down of things that took place over the month that have me feeling like my life is a major piece of shit.


1. This girl has had one to none sex action. Yes, goddammit I said it. I got needs and sex is one of them. Am I embarrassed to say it, slightly yeah but who gives a shit. I’m trying to start being confident enough to ask for what I want and here’s my first try at it. I need my occasional dose of dick or else I’ll snap with the pent up frustration coursing through me .
PS. I’m not being comical about this one ,I’m damn serious.

2. I’m having a beginner’s life crisis. I completely and utterly have no idea where my life is headed. I prior wasn’t really bothered by it but hell, now I feel like I practically don’t know shit of where I wanna be in the next six months after I’m done with school. I’m internally panicking here and don’t no jack shit on where to start. What on earth do people do after school, probably get a job but that’s not what I want. I know I wanna continue with school for my degree but since when do things ever go my way, so that’s a maybe. I’ve recently started questioning whether I’m even in the right course, this steming from my not so very stable mental state. Can’t even get my own mind to think straight, how am I honestly supposed to help anyone else think right….Are you seeing what I mean,,,,…serious begginers life crisis. I turn twenty two this year & this is what I’m having to deal with…🙆🏾3. January is known around to be the worst financial month cause people are broke on not so funny levels. This was that month for me. I hate not having enough money, just like any other normal human being. This time round, it just wasn’t the manageable kind of broke, to top it off with every other life crisis I have going on. I just couldn’t with this month, couldn’t cut me some slack.


4. For this problem, I only have this much to say. Men/ pubescent boys are nothing but utter SHIT!!! No sugar coating it, I’m saying it as I feel it. This is for every single reason the men in my life have given me a damn grey hair. I wish I could cuss them out more for their lack of emotional understanding & just downright cluelessness of their shortcomings as men, as spouses, as friends, as humans & as significant others. So this, this is for all y’all men who just ain’t being good enough right now and still don’t have a clue. PS. Please read this specific paragraph in Ricky Thompson’s voice. He would surely do this justice and I wrote it with his voice in mind.

5. Probably the last of my problems that I can recall felt too real in January, is Kobe’s death. This was just the cherry to the mother fucking cake that was the month of January… To say the month ended in a tragedy would be understatement cause this was just on a different kind of level of misery. Still very much is; too raw. Kobe’s and his daughter Gianna’s death really took a toll on me. It was a trigger for me on the loss of my mama and I was just a wreck at the beginning of this week. It’s crazy that it’s just been a week but my emotions have me feeling like its been longer. I cried on hearing of this death & crying is the one thing I don’t do. It felt like a flood had been unleashed & I just couldn’t feel strong at that moment. In a week, I mourned for a total stranger and his family because I know what that kind of pain they will continuously feel for the rest of their lives. It got so real for me that I relapsed on my self harm. I just needed to curb the pain & I did it the only fastest way I could before it swallowed me whole. I don’t think I’ll ever forget Kobe and Gigi for through their death, we connected.
And so, there you have the run down of my not so nice first month of the year 2020. I have no bigger hopes for Feb, I just want the relief of not feeling as vulnerable as January had me feeling. No more deaths & maybe a little bit more money. Men will always be shit so there’s not much that can be done about that. I’ll probably have the beginners crisis for a while, till I can figure out what’s next for me. Can’t say if I’ll be getting any sex anytime soon… The universe just could decide its no dick for me this February, who the fuck knows…

I’m going to try be brief cause whenever I have something I wanna write about, I slightly loose focus and the beginning of the blog throws me off a little every time. So we are in a new year, yeeei!!! That’s me being as enthusiastic as I can possibly get. But despite my bummed out funk, I do have a few things that I’ve chosen to pursue over the course of the year. I’ve probably mentioned before how clueless it gets for me to understand the concept of self love. I can’t exactly say I understand it but I’m choosing to quit looking at it like some sort of math equation with a more fucked up solution. So I choose to decide that whatever it is I’ll pursue to do that will bring me any remotely good, nice fuzzy feeling, will be my form of self love.

For starters, I just had this wonderful idea to go on a date with myself every once a month. Dress however my mood fits & just go have something that will appease both my mind and belly. I will set for a day every month to accommodate myself and whatever needs I feel I have over that specific period of time. This will allow me not to have multiple anxieties over what to wear, how much money I’ll need to spend, whether my date will be on time and whether I can get to wherever the date will be, all just because I’ll have the ball in my court. It will be just me & I’ll be fine with that. It won’t matter what time or place I chose to have this date but what will matter is that I’ll find worth in being able to simply let go and feel content by myself.

As brief as I’m trying to be, one other thing I want to pledge myself to put on hold is getting a tattoo this year. I believe I have had my fair share of tattoos over the past three years and taking a break from getting any more will allow me to quit dwelling on the heavy emotions that are on most times my muse on the said tattoos . This does not at all mean I regret any of the tattoos I have gotten, I treasure them immensely because they are a part of my story & history. All I’m choosing, is to put on hold getting any more tattoos over the year and just rather cherishing those I already have on me.

I really don’t have much I want to expect from the new year, I’d rather not put pressure on myself & on the year as well. I know it sounds like a cowardly move but I really just want a quiet year without too much sorrow, too much pain, too much heart ache and with just enough happiness to keep me going. Until I feel ready to tackle the world and throw at it every dream and wish I have, I’m choosing to let the world guide me and take it a day at time. Happy New Year 2020.

P. S Just a quick reminder, this year we don’t take trash sex, no trash foreplay and definitely no manhandling of tits.✊🏾

I always love the end of an year ,not just because Christmas comes along but also because it gives one the motivation to wanna start on a clean slate for the new year. I’m about to write on how I want to start clean but in an unconventional way. I don’t want to be more happier or less sad. I’ve settled with the part of me that acknowledges that the bridge between my happiness & sadness is what makes me uniquely different. I’m a swinger. Technically we probably all are in life but mine sways a little further from the conventional. I truly do hope that whatever I choose to change in the next year, goes through.. even if it’s just for a little bit.

I’m feeling pumped & energetic at the moment about what I want to change in the upcoming new year. Call them resolutions, I don’t care.. They just have to be effective and gradual. So for starters, I’m DONE getting whack sex🗣🗣….Get that one loud and clear. Like that’s at the top of my list. Being a pushover most times doesn’t allow me to say what I want, how I want it, whether I want it to begin with and when I want it. But I am done letting that be the reason I can’t get mind-blowing sex. No more settling for two minute men or thirty men pumping into me like I’m some bicycle wheel in need of gas. No more of kneading my tits like they some sort of dough that needs baking. I’ll smack someone’s son if they manhandle my body any longer. No wonder I don’t understand the simple concept of self love, at least not when I’m letting someone think my body is some empty vessel. It took me a while to realize I’ve been settling for seconds best in everything because of my stupid need to feel wanted and love/ cared for. Not anymore. If your not worshiping my body like its a sanctuary, don’t fantasize with coming ten feet near it.

Mmmh, that felt good getting it out there.I suppose I’ve never been vocal about my sex life. Yes, this on and off depressed person has a sex life…

Moving on to another change, I have mentioned before that my nice personality has been taken for granted not once by friends and family. I’ve had not one occasion with not one person but different people come late to a scheduled meeting or date we had planned & they have kept me waiting for over two hours. I’ve sat at a restaurant waiting & when they finally show up, I’ve had to swallow down the urge to not beat the person to pulp while struggling to keep my tears down. I thought I was not a patient person until I had to experience this cycle for so long that I’d now say I’m at the edge of it. Not anymore more. New unconventional change of next year, I’ll always be an hour & a half late to any date or meeting, scheduled or not. I will purposely choose to take my sweet time at arriving and if the date I’m meeting has a problem with it ,they can as well leave & be on their way . It will take a toll on me pulling this through because my nature often forbids me to be anything other than nice to people but you know what, I’m done letting people take my good nature for granted. I’ll fight every good bone in my body to never be on time again.

It’s my final year in college & I need to have my head in the game. I don’t want unnecessary bullshit with exs, friends or family. I want to grow a pair of hard steel balls that will allow me to not condone any sort of disrespect ,dishonour or disregard from anyone, even from myself. I need to grow out of my shell, at least enough for the world to not shove me around anymore. I will not condone for my feelings to be deemed irrelevant by anyone, whether your my friend, foe ,family or significant other. I realize I’m writing this with so much harboured anger and pain for every time I’ve never stood up for myself, for every time I’ve cowed and for every time I kept quiet about something I should have spoken up about. The upcoming year is the year I do unconventional things that bring me a sense of contentment . No more nice Mercy. No more pushover Mercy. No more easily teased Mercy. Like my Queen said, ‘suicide before you see this tears fall down my eyes ‘.. I know it won’t be easy but I know it’s not impossible, I walked away from the shackles of a friendship that had dominated my life for the past five years, this won’t be impossible either…

My little wins 😄😄

I never thought I would say this or maybe I did, I just didn’t realize that I would say it this soon… I finally now understand what it means to choose being happy. This past month has been amazing for me. It’s been peaceful, quiet and most especially content for me. I have done and pursued things that made me feel good. It feels so foreign to me to be in the head space that I am right now but I couldn’t be more grateful to be feeling happy and without much worry. Your probably thinking that I have gone above and beyond in adventures and escapades but actually that’s not the case. In just the span of three weeks, I’ve gotten to do the little things that just thrill and bring happiness to a person. For starters, I got to buy my very first bag pack and sling bag. Nothing too exciting there really but for me, it was amazing. I don’t have very many things I can say I have invested everything for but for those bags, I was a giddy little girl when I bought them for myself. Apart from that, I literally have just been experiencing and learning so much about myself and the growth I can feel manifesting itself mentally and emotionally in me is just beautiful. I have grown to have new interest in things I previously never really bothered about .I have been choosing to not be the closed off, shy girl I’m used to being. I’m doing things that are simple but so fun and it’s been an amazing experience for me.I gotta be honest though, I’m so scared that it’s just gonna be for a period of time and I won’t feel as free and happy as I am now. That maybe, if I think about it too long ,I might just jinx myself . Even as I write this, I’m not exactly certain why just life going on for me as it is as of the past couple weeks has given me such tranquility. I wanna scroll through my mind and really search for that big thing that’s happened but I just can’t seem to place my finger on it.. Do you know why , it’s cause it’s not there. Nothing so big or so dramatic has happened to me, it’s been the little victories that are having me feeling like this. A week ago, I got to share a beautiful experience with my sister who is completely my ride or die any day.We got to visit the National Park which for me wasn’t my first time but it was for her. Its always a new better experience for me every time I go there but this time it was a whole lot better because seeing her excitement was just incredible. The sweetest memories are those shared with the people you love. We got to hear a lion roar and it was incredible and just downright majestic.I also got to do something for myself and go commemorate this beautiful phase of growth that I am in because it honestly means the world to me. It was spontaneous as it is beautiful .This are what I mean to be my small wins.I can’t wait to go on and experience more happiness. I’m truly hoping to continue being in the head space I’m at right now and not worry about everything else. I have so many more things to experience and so many more sweet memories to make. I’m totally crossing my fingers that I don’t jinx this cause I can now honestly say, I am happy. It’s the little wins in life that shine brighter in your heart than to the world.

Staying Woke ✊🏿

So earlier today I was scrolling through my twitter and I came across a video that really got me thinking about a now common aspect that’s a touchy subject to most but it’s present especially among the millennials.This is the link to the video http://Check out @Refinery29’s Tweet: https://twitter.com/Refinery29/status/1115343555432787972?s=09… I won’t really delve into what the video contained but those who will read this by any chance can tap on the link to see what exactly it was about.

[wpvideo qyBYZ3aX data-temp-aztec-id=”081ca701-45da-47b7-b797-b555e1b8f7cc”]

So the elephant in the ‘room’ in this case is how I have viewed and felt about homosexuality for the time I have known about it and learned what it entails. To be pretty honest ,it’s one of the topics I have truly tried to avoid having to write about in hopes to not offend anyone who may have reservations about it whether be it positive or negative. But today I am choosing to write about it because it’s no longer a subject that’s behind the shadows or hidden but it’s openly discussed .Then again, I constantly have to remind myself and those who take their time to read my blog/person journal that I don’t write for them, I write as a means of expressing my thoughts and feelings about what I experience in life.

When I saw this video, it felt a lot like a blind fold was taken off my eyes and I viewed the video not as two lesbians having a heart to heart conversation about their relationship but as two souls in love and it was honestly the most beautiful expression of love that I haven’t seen in a while. Previously I have had so many reservations about this specific topic because I have had it in mind to be hesitant in accepting something new and completely against a whole lot of my beliefs and principles that I got to be raised in. It went against not just my cultural beliefs but also my religious beliefs and how it’s perceived in Christianity. I guess I didn’t really know how to wrap my head around it and not be a stereotype about it but at the same time try understand what it entirely is about and why it seems to be such a taboo of a topic.

At first I was more of unbothered about it than open to it but that’s until I got to be in the middle of dramatic relationship whereby this specific aspect was the greatest factor. That period of time and experience with homosexuality really damaged my view on it. It felt a lot like it came along with immaturity of the said party and irresponsibility, emotional instability and just plain havoc especially because I was on the receiving end of all those negative outcomes. That whole experience gave me enough reason to feel homophobic just cause I had a terrible time .I realize now that I shouldn’t have been that fast to judge and jump to conclusions about homosexuals just from one bad experience with one person… Now I actually feel apologetic towards not having dealt with the situation better.

Despite what I may think and all my beliefs regarding homosexuality, I now think that with the growing culture existent and diversity in life, I’m no one to judge why people choose who they choose to love. I’m just one person who can either choose to be closed minded of such people and their culture or accept that it’s the life they have chosen for themselves and if it makes them happy, I’m no one to stand against their happiness. Love truly doesn’t have a choice and it’s not limited on specifics .Its non judgemental and free. So I may not understand the concept of loving someone of the same sex but I will allow myself to not look at them from a stereotypical point of view. That video really touched a part of me and the genuine emotion in the air between those two lovers was one that was quite undeniable. I acknowledge that probably not everyone who’s gonna read this will see it like I am now but well,its their choice. I am not writing about it to get validation on it, let me make that clear. It’s simply me acknowledging that now I think differently concerning it and I will strive to understand more other than jump into judging them. I’m staying woke people, you should too. ✌🏿

My 2018 Highlights 💢

So we are about to complete this very lengthy year that has been quite the rollercoaster for me and am sure for some of you too. I would wanna say I wish it would prolong a little longer but that would be a big white lie 😅. For starters I am actually somewhat excited to start the new year and unravel a whole new set of interesting, suckish and possibly sexual escapades.From the beginning of the year, I guess I opened it quite exhilarating. I had sex for the first time and sadly I can’t say it was the best first time but I got the hang of it. For starters,a piece of advice just for anyone who intends to have their first time of sex, please don’t go with expectations of roses 🌹 and petals. Out of courtesy for my partner then, I won’t go into details on how mine turned out but trust me, it’s not sparks flying or rainbows .But maybe it was just me, if your man is going to give it to you like in a fairy tale movie, good for you 🐼. Another highlight of my year, I cut my hair and went short. Did this on April ;probably best hair decision I have made ever .It was a transition for me. I realized that as girls or females in general we hold so much about our appeal and our outlook on just our hair and I personally needed to let go of that and I am glad I did. Also hair is just too damn high maintenance and I don’t have a genie in a bottle to grant me all my wishes. Then again, I also like my hair short, makes me look cuter.My year was not all sex and hair cuts. It had its downwards spirals which were a pretty dark time for me. Struggled with depression and anxiety for an entire semester. Those of you who read my blogs know it was quite the dreadful period for me. I hated it and in my own twisted way was drawn to it too. I learned a lot then, it was an eye opener cause I learned who my real friends were and I made a greater friend in my therapist. I honestly wouldn’t be here without her cause I was a ticking time bomb💣waiting to explode 💥. I am a whole lot better now, my mental health at the moment is stable, it seemed far fetched then but I hacked it and am proud of myself for getting out of that dark hole.Finally, another highlight of my life is letting go of certain people who were either just too toxic or non beneficial to me. I am one person who holds on to pain a lot and I never exactly get over it. It still lurks around my mind therefore certain virtues such as forgiveness don’t come easy. I had really held on to a very toxic relationship with a friend but I couldn’t seem to ever get of a bad history we had. I think it’s time I finally close that chapter in my life .Therefore it’s behind me, I have held on to so much resentment and anger that I was never willing to see beyond her mistakes. But it all over now. Everything about her is over now. For those other people I gave such regard as friends but clearly proved me wrong, boy/girl 👋 bye. For the beautiful souls who have been with me and held my hand, I can’t wait to start another beautiful year with you and make a whole new set of memories together.My hopes for the new year,better sex and an even better experience in learning more about my sexuality and exploring everything beautiful about it. Making new wonderful memories with the people I love and experiencing new adventures. Meeting new people too and if lucky, a sexy hunk with a red bow tied around his crotch 😜.Try out new foods too is in my to do list for the new year. Travel more; I need to get out of my shell, been stuck in it too damn long. Happy new year my peeps. 🤘

Here comes the Two O.

Hello hello! Wondering why I am so chirpy? Trust me, I am still wondering the same too. Well, I just made a discovery about myself on the recent. I haven’t actually felt like utter complete shit for the past two days or to be precise, one and half days counting that the day isn’t over yet. Its probably not such a big deal but either way, I will jot all about it because somehow it is important for me. When you are incapable of feeling normal and you are just plain old sad and unhappy, when you get the chance to even feel the slightest bit of normalcy and okay~ness (not sure If that’s even a word but you get what I mean),you appreciate it, no matter the period of time you have felt it.

I have a few things in mind as to why I am probably normal at the moment. One, I have been preoccupied with movies. I actually didn’t think it would work when I started watching all day but it actually keeps me company. Majority reason that causes me to sulk is loneliness and fear. I easily just sink back to the unhappy funk that eventually turns into depression. Watching movies actually just keeps me busy and it distracts me from taking into account my feelings. Just incase any of you are wondering, I am currently watching The crossing ,bold type and The handmaids tale. They are all pretty cool and interesting.

Second and probably most prominent reason is because my birthday is coming up and when I mean coming up, I mean tomorrow. My birthday is a special day for me because it’s the one day when I feel deservant of happiness. It’s the day when I prettie much feel like I should have the world on my hands and gladly receive gifts left right and rear 😆. Earlier this year, I had this whole perfect plan in my head of how I wanted my birthday to be like and it was grand, that I can assure you but just like always life has a way to put my fires 🙄 especially the good ones. I had everything entirely planned out where my sister and I would have a nice family and close friends gathering with two delicious looking cakes and a nice dinner with this bigass balloons that showed our ages. Things looked easier then because August seemed so far away and I thought by then I would have everything set in place. But here I am now, a day to my birthday without a single idea how the day will turn out because there is nothing that’s planned. My sister had earlier put it out there how sad it was that we would have to buy our own cake and I guess it was her own way to coarse people into buying us a birthday cake. Well, just know that didn’t go as planned. Now we will be buying our own cake and eating it on our own, alone. I know my initial plans of how I wanted my birthday to turn out didn’t go as planned but doesn’t mean my excitement to turn an age older should be lesser. Nothing special or grand might happen tomorrow but I still appreciate growing and seeing a new age. I am turning the big two O so I can cut myself some slack even if it’s just for a day.

So tomorrow I still don’t mind a surprise, though the thought is probably farfetched right now but anyway. I will put a smile on my face and probably just spend my time in the house watching bold type and then later in the evening eat cake and be happy to be twenty. I hope I don’t drown back into sulking after my birthday is over just because I won’t be expecting a special thing afterwards. I want to eventually get to my happy place with or without a special occasion or anticipation. I know its not gonna be easy but I want to make twenty my worth while. ✌

P. S I escaped teen pregnancy. I should totally get a present for that from the universe. A baby is accepted as a gift. 😊