Breathing Underwater

I’m different. Am sure we all consider ourselves so not because just because we want to feel special but because we are actually different. Being different for me is a lifestyle. I have to constantly try to maintain it and blend in even despite how different I am. I am different because I don’t conform to what people regard as normal. Am I happy to be this different, I don’t know .Does a part of me thrive in it, definitely so …..I wouldn’t be writing this if I didn’t.I don’t believe ultimate peace is something I have possibly ever felt. A part of me is always damned to feel turmoil and anxiety over one thing or another. I do wish though I had one ability. Something I recently pondered my mind over and now looks quite appealing to my me. Ever thought of how peaceful it is under water. How calm and silent it is and just how peaceful it can get. I wish I could breathe underwater and just sit still enough to shut out everything and anything. I’m certain enough that some of you that will read through this will probably think that I’m back to my depressive past and am not gonna justify whether it’s true or not… Think whatever appeals to you.Silence is peaceful and so is death. I wouldn’t want to die through water. I feel like its probably the worst way to die because you can’t fight it, you feel the life drain out with each breath of water as it fills your lungs. In water, I would hope to find contentment. I would hope to let my anxiety over everything go, to be still and not worry about. To completely rid myself of meager feelings and emotions that are more of burdens than a boost of my humanity. To put aside memories that do more damage than good. I wish breathing underwater would do that for me. That would be my ultimate peace.Being melancholic is hard. I feel everything thats meant to be dark. I revel in it even when it’s toxic. Walls so high up, they feel unpenetratable(not sure that’s a word.)I over think, I feel too much and I sure as hell damn care too much. Water would drown out all that for me. That’s why if I had one super power, it would be to breathe underwater 🌊.

My 2018 Highlights 💢

So we are about to complete this very lengthy year that has been quite the rollercoaster for me and am sure for some of you too. I would wanna say I wish it would prolong a little longer but that would be a big white lie 😅. For starters I am actually somewhat excited to start the new year and unravel a whole new set of interesting, suckish and possibly sexual escapades.From the beginning of the year, I guess I opened it quite exhilarating. I had sex for the first time and sadly I can’t say it was the best first time but I got the hang of it. For starters,a piece of advice just for anyone who intends to have their first time of sex, please don’t go with expectations of roses 🌹 and petals. Out of courtesy for my partner then, I won’t go into details on how mine turned out but trust me, it’s not sparks flying or rainbows .But maybe it was just me, if your man is going to give it to you like in a fairy tale movie, good for you 🐼. Another highlight of my year, I cut my hair and went short. Did this on April ;probably best hair decision I have made ever .It was a transition for me. I realized that as girls or females in general we hold so much about our appeal and our outlook on just our hair and I personally needed to let go of that and I am glad I did. Also hair is just too damn high maintenance and I don’t have a genie in a bottle to grant me all my wishes. Then again, I also like my hair short, makes me look cuter.My year was not all sex and hair cuts. It had its downwards spirals which were a pretty dark time for me. Struggled with depression and anxiety for an entire semester. Those of you who read my blogs know it was quite the dreadful period for me. I hated it and in my own twisted way was drawn to it too. I learned a lot then, it was an eye opener cause I learned who my real friends were and I made a greater friend in my therapist. I honestly wouldn’t be here without her cause I was a ticking time bomb💣waiting to explode 💥. I am a whole lot better now, my mental health at the moment is stable, it seemed far fetched then but I hacked it and am proud of myself for getting out of that dark hole.Finally, another highlight of my life is letting go of certain people who were either just too toxic or non beneficial to me. I am one person who holds on to pain a lot and I never exactly get over it. It still lurks around my mind therefore certain virtues such as forgiveness don’t come easy. I had really held on to a very toxic relationship with a friend but I couldn’t seem to ever get of a bad history we had. I think it’s time I finally close that chapter in my life .Therefore it’s behind me, I have held on to so much resentment and anger that I was never willing to see beyond her mistakes. But it all over now. Everything about her is over now. For those other people I gave such regard as friends but clearly proved me wrong, boy/girl 👋 bye. For the beautiful souls who have been with me and held my hand, I can’t wait to start another beautiful year with you and make a whole new set of memories together.My hopes for the new year,better sex and an even better experience in learning more about my sexuality and exploring everything beautiful about it. Making new wonderful memories with the people I love and experiencing new adventures. Meeting new people too and if lucky, a sexy hunk with a red bow tied around his crotch 😜.Try out new foods too is in my to do list for the new year. Travel more; I need to get out of my shell, been stuck in it too damn long. Happy new year my peeps. 🤘