I feel like I have to make this clear, I am not big on new year resolutions. I cannot recall a time in the past years where I have found myself creating resolutions at the beginning of any new year. I am still at the point at which the new year is a mere continuation of the last year, most especially during the transition from new years’ eve to the beginning of the first day of a new year.
This year though might probably be the first year I decide on having a resolution because why the hell not. With no substantial reason, I will have only one resolution for myself. I choose to have one merely because it is a start.
Being a plus size girl
For those who might not know this, I am a plus size girl. For the better part of being one, I have not always embraced it as a nature. It has always sort of felt like an inadequacy. It recently came to my attention that I actually no longer mind being plus size. I have to admit, it seems to bother those around me that I am a bigger girl than most. I wish I had the understanding of why, but genuinely, I would prefer they didn’t shove their opinions on my weight down my throat.
Accepting that I am big is one thing, being comfortable overall about it is still something I am working on. I try to derive inspiration from following other plus size women online and it does help in building the general confidence I need to eventually be okay fully as a plus size girl. It has taken me quite a lot of pep talks to myself to get me to wear a dress that compliments my body and it wasn’t until this weekend at a gathering where I was absolutely unconscious of the fact that I was in a dress while out in public. I was comfortable and that was all that seemed to matter which if I may, I would consider that a good start.
My new year resolution
My resolution for the year is to grow into my acceptance of my body while loving it as it is. This means taking better care of it, appreciating it, affirming it and everything else that feels good towards it. I want to wear dresses more and look stunning in them. I want to wear hugging jeans that show my curves just enough to still feel comfortable in them. I want to feel confident with my triple D sized cups and rolled up belly. All those parts of myself that were shunned before, I want to show them, love. They deserve to be loved and appreciated. Therefore that is my one resolution for the year.
This is for those unwanting of the new year. It is for those whose uncertainties in life didn’t magically disappear just because the new year is here. It is also for those whose sadness didn’t escape them when the clock hit midnight. These little words are for you.
I haven’t felt much of anything in a brief moment. When in regard to feelings, I wanna believe that my thought trajectory is always leaning on happier feelings, feelings of light and joy. Sometimes maybe even a little bit of peace. It is the new year and I can’t seem to feel the light and love going on around the world. Do I necessarily think it’s my fault that I feel forlorn at the start of a year that is magically supposed to bring cheer, no, not really? I understand hope and faith in wanting this time around to be different but what for us who can’t seem to grasp those little motions of hoping for another year of change. I read somewhere that sometimes all in one year, one is capable of living three years in one. Can’t blame me for feeling scared that this new year might in turn bring me three years instead of one.
This is for the unprepared. These words are for the sceptic people not sure of themselves enough to find joy in the new year. This is for those still carrying remnants of the day ago year that still lingers. For those who feel their losses so immensely, the beginning of a new year would be like erasing the memory of the loved one no longer there. This is for those who would rather not sit through doing a recap of their past year for it would mean scaling back old wounds. All of this is for us who will take it a day at a time as always.
Last night, in the wee hours of the morning, after a night spent drinking a cold cider [pretty much the only alcoholic drink I can stand to take], I happened to take a vague trip down memory lane. Truthfully speaking, I have a shitty memory of my life and childhood most especially. Maybe it’s cause it wasn’t all that or better yet, I choose to not think too much into it because most of those memories entail a childhood that felt a lot like someone else’s. I have had this conversation before with my sister on countless occasions of just how much my life before I was 14 years old feels a lot like a hazy dream I had that wasn’t quite my own. Admittedly, a lot of my childhood is packed at the back of my mind together with the memories of my mother. She was in hind site all I remember from my childhood. My mother was front and centre of my life and like for me as it was for many others, I adored her and relished every bit of time I got to spend with her, despite that time being quite short. But before we cue the sadness, this isn’t meant to be about her absence but more of what her presence was like with me. For me to write this is like taking an excursion into my past and most specifically my childhood memories of me and my mum. I predict that it may not be so long but I surely will try to dig deep into my subconscious mind for what I would regard as treasured but forgotten memories.
The amusement park adventure.
If my memory serves me right, I was ten when my mum took me to my first amusement park a town over from where we lived. It was always there but it was an annual occasion that which if I think of now was more of a theme park than an amusement park since its main theme was agriculture. Farmers from around the county would put on display their crops and different entities regarding agriculture. Aside from that, it offered an amusement park for kids who got a chance to tag along with their parents. For those who may be wondering, especially if you are Kenyan, I am talking about the Nyeri show or the most known one, the Nairobi show. I was ten when my mum surprised me with a trip to Nyeri show. On a Saturday afternoon, after we’d both been in tuition, her as a teacher and me as a student, she told me she wanted to take me to someplace nice. She and I were major suckers for surprises. We loved to see each other’s faces light up from doing something we both regarded as special for each other. I remember being ecstatic on arrival at the show. It was an entirely new experience for me because of its rarity. I wouldn’t have guessed in a million years that my mum would take me to such a place because I knew of the impossibility of the chance of ever going to one. I don’t say this because she wouldn’t have loved to take me there or any other fun place, on the contrary, I know that my mum would have given me the world if she had it. The reason as to why it was beyond my wildest imaginations for us to have gone there was because I was aware of how things were financially for my family. I didn’t grow up in a wealthy family. Maybe partly the reason why I often don’t revere back to my childhood is that I didn’t have the best childhood. Things were often too tough and quite heartbreaking for my family, especially because despite it all, we held out a lot of hope that things would get better but they never quite did. So hence the surprise when my mum got to take me to this show when I knew that on other days it never would have stood a chance since I too was well aware that we couldn’t afford it.
It is still quite vague in my head, but I do remember we walked around the park and we could see kids having fun engaging in different activities and running around. I must have felt quite like I’d just walked into a movie that had a carnivore airing and I was quite in awe to be in it. I remember going on my first merry go round there as well as my first horseback ride and camel ride. For a kid who was terrified of a lot, I applaud myself for even agreeing to try those things out. Though, it was on that first ride on the merry go round that absolutely scared the wits out of me. I remember absolutely dreading that ride the minute I got off it. I remember feeling like my heart kept leaping out of its rib cage every time the merry go round would start on another round. It was absolutely dreadful, and I probably swore to myself that I would never get on another ride like that again because I have actually never been on another merry go round since. Apart from that, I remember us walking around the park that was quite vast. It resembled a big ranch of sorts. We walked around, I vaguely recall us stopping and looking at various exhibitions on different agriculturally based things. Those bits of that day may not have been my most favourite but I wouldn’t have changed those moments for anything because, despite everything, I was together with my absolute best friend. I was with my mother.
A graduation party of sorts…
Earlier I recall writing that my mum and I liked throwing surprises for each other. This time around, I threw her one. It wasn’t anything grand or big, it was the bare minimum, but it was entirely from the heart. It was on the 31st of August, 2007. I am aware of the date because I am lucky to have a picture from that day where my mum was receiving a certificate award for a discipleship class she had been taking in the church we used to attend, which technically is still the church that we go to even today. I will hopefully be able to attach the picture beneath this post so you can see just how beautiful she looked on that day. My mother’s beauty was unmatched, both from a biased and non-biased approach. She stood out wherever she went because she was an absolute ray of sunshine. So on this day, she left that afternoon to go pick up her certificate of completion for that course she had been taking in church. I recall being the only one at home that day so I tried racking my mind on how I would celebrate that win for her. I was nine years old and very much broke. I remember wanting to do something special for her before she came home but I didn’t have the slightest clue on what it is I could do for her. I then came up with a small idea of buying her some cakes which were sold at a shop across our house and maybe including a soda along with it. Did I say buying, I meant taking it on credit since I had zero money on me then, funny how it’s still the same case now. So anyway, I went ahead and got the little delicacies I needed and arranged them on a plate on the table alongside the soda and two glasses. I must have that quite highly of myself then because I intended to go all in. I then closed the curtains to the living room and lighting up two candles and setting them side to side from the plate. I knew she wouldn’t be long before she got home so now all I had to do was wait. On her arrival at the gate, I quickly rushed out to meet her so that I’d request her to close her eyes as I guided her to the house. It definitely wouldn’t have been a surprise had she otherwise walked in just like that. Nothing gave me more joy than seeing her elated face from seeing my surprise for her. I wanted her to know I was proud of her for having gone through those classes and having graduated from them regardless of how meagre it might have seemed to everyone else. We got to share that little celebration together and most importantly, she knew that I would always be her number one cheerleader. [cue the tears]
To be truthfully honest, I am quite surprised by myself for even recalling that much about those two treasured memories of my mum and I. I most times try not to recall memories of my mum because of how much of them are a reminder of her absence today. What I didn’t realize was that alongside those memories were beautiful times that we got to share together. I was so focused on avoiding the hurt that I forgot the love and beauty in remembering the happier times where she was more present than ever. I miss her, beyond what my words can conjure and maybe that’s what hurts the most. Missing her and having no way around to having her with me. But writing about those two memories have brought me so much closer to her than I have allowed me to feel in a very long time. Maybe somewhere along the line, I will allow myself to remember more of her with a lighter heart than a heavier one. She does deserve to be remembered for how amazing and just enigmatic she was. My mother was an angel and it’s just deserving that I share my memories of her and her angelic ethereal self with the world.
“Tell me, what it is you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? “Mary Oliver
Well Mary, I can’t say there’s much I’ve already done with my one wild and precious life for I’m just twenty three as of a month ago. But let’s say it ‘s all the life I’ll ever get to live. Let’s picture this as the only life I’ve lived and that be enough. We may as well not plan for a future that’s yet to be lived, am I right? So for my puny little life, I will have quite the childhood. I’ll try to find the words to sum it all up but I’ll always come up short. It will be a mesh of a little bit of everything; it will not have been the best years of my life but it will be the years I’ll wish to have held onto more. It will be the years I should never have taken for granted, but still somewhat did. As a kid, I’ll be my best version of prime & proper, at least to the world I’ll try to be. Back at my house, I’ll be the biggest pain in the ass and my arch nemesis will be none other than my dear ole mum, God bless her soul… She’ll take the blunt end of my onset of puberty and will match my energy of being a serious pain in the ass. But despite it all, I’ll adore her existence like that of a god. She’ll be to me like every mother is to their child, their first god and their lifeline. I will not realize just how much the world is unfair to you until the day my lifeline will be taken away from me. Simply, I will learn of one of life’s toughest experiences which will alter the entire basis and trajectory of my life.
Like it is for most people, those lucky enough to have the blessing of family, I’ll live for my family. With one sibling and a single father, I’ll pour out every bit of love in me to them, which now that I think about it, might explain why it will be hard to love anyone else with the intensity and magnitude that some will seek from me. I will adore my family and be in their embrace through every day spent of my puny but precious little life. My dad will be that friend you can’t quite get enough of but still gets annoying every so often. He’ll have my back always and I’ll grow to protect him to the best of my little ability. As for my sister, she will be my best friend, my companion, my roommate and my all rounded life partner. We won’t have much of separate lives since we will be often together too much of the time. She will be my provider for quite the while and I’ll ride it out till what I hope will be the start of my own adulthood. She’ll complain I eat a lot but continue to feed me regardless. What can I say Mary, a girl’s gotta eat to grow. Sometimes indulging into her cravings a little bit more than she should. All my life’s significance, regardless of whether puny or not, my sister will be there for them. She’ll cheer me on and help me brush of the dust from the times I’ll have fall off my feet. She’ll vicariously live through me in my relationship escapades for they will be quite a few… Mary, you may be quite surprised by just how much I’ve experienced in the realm of “love”…I will trust no one more than I trust her and I’m uncertain I’ll ever know what it’s like to have anyone closer to me than her.
I will go through highschool and regard it as the worst years of my life. I’ll hate every day of those agony ridden days. I’ll want to escape to my dreams every day of my life for those four years and I’ll have my heart broken by the impossibility of my dreams ever coming true. I will peg on God to pay His dues to me even despite knowing deep down, He owed me nothing. I’ll walk down the streets of my school every evening looking up at the stars and hoping against everything that the brightest star of all will mean my redemption from my misery. It will surprise me that despite feeling incapable of feeling anything else besides sorrow, I’ll grow to love a girl immensely in the midst of it all. I’ll use her as a distraction from my grief but then, my emotions towards her will envelope me like a dome. She will eventually become all I’ll ever think of in those years and even a few years after that. I will feel hate and this wildly twisted obsession over her that will force me to think again over what I thought I knew about my sexuality. She’ll become the true bane to my existence and I will not know till date whether it was all just a projection of my grief or I just had the worst case of adolescence. Even later in life, I will still regard this girl as quite the enigma. I will have gotten better reins of my emotions when it comes to her but traces of her will still linger and hover over my conscience. I will complete highschool with the passion to charge the world. I will have my dreams hanging from my shoulders and what will then be a well sort out plan to kick start the dreams into motion. I will then learn that it’s a lot harder than I might have thought. My passions and my sorrow will set sail my career into psychology.
I will go through college and have quite the silent rollercoaster. Silent because not a lot of people can attest to anything major happening in my life but it being a rollercoaster because I certainly will have my fair share of things happen in those years. I will loose my virginity in college, and it won’t be memorable. It will not mean much and neither will it be some instrumental rite of passage for me. It will happen and I won’t care to much over it… that’s all that will be to it. I will have boyfriends, and a man-child friend too. My first relationship will be, for lack of a better word, meh. Though at the beginning, I wouldn’t have considered it so, for I will have wanted more from it. It will be based on sex marathons and on and off breaks. In time, it will be the trigger to a very uneventful onset of my first depression. It will kick-start a tirade of emotions, downhill turmoils and a whole lot of anxiety. It’s in college where my battles with mental health will become the fore front of my life. Depression will become my shadow and I will loose recognition of myself without it…Before I can even delve further into what my life will become in regards to my mental health, let me tell you about the man friend I will be crazy enough to date… It will also be in my early twenties, when I’ll have my interest picked on matters BDSM. In the case you’re not aware Mary, this is a kink in sex for those who are unconventionally woke. It will be in my venture of this kink that will lead me to meeting and somewhat dating a man-child who will then be 44 at the time. I know what you’re probably thinking but trust me, at the time it won’t seem as absurd as it might now. He will at the beginning feel like a breath of fresh air (no pun intended in regards to him being old and all..) and I will be enthralled by him and his take on the world. His bluntness will at the start look like something to be admired but it will soon wither in my eyes for it will not go unnoticed to me how emotionally dry he will be. As he himself will say, “I’ve got the emotional depth of a pin cushion”. I consider myself lucky for I will actually know what a pin cushion is like. After that, we will end things between me and this man but we will keep in touch and that will be a mistake I will soon learn dearly from.
I will go through life one day at a time…I will experience a mental agony that nothing will have ever prepared for me. I will learn to cope with this said agony in ways that will leave permanent scars, both on my skin and on my mind. I will still continue to dream and be a little girl on the inside. I will go through life plagued with anxiety that I’m never doing enough, that I’m not the best at anything that I do. I will still keep trying regardless, even when I will want to choose death over life. As I said earlier Mary, my life is still puny and hasn’t matured as much so there’s only so little I can tell you of how my life turns out… I will try my best to write more of how my life goes, maybe when I’m thirty, I will write this again. I will to you how my puny but precious wild life will have gone down. Hopefully, it won’t be so puny anymore.
“Inspired from the book ” It’s okay to laugh ,crying is cool too” I haven’t even completed it yet but I’m sure it’ll be a wonderful read.
Not too long ago, on this very platform, I did something very unlike myself. I let out emotion and vulnerability in what I believed was love. Now, a lot of things just took a turn and I’m not here to take back what I said but I am here to unarmour myself again and to somewhat cry for lost love, unrequited love and a tinge of heartbreak.
It seems as though I may have bitten a bit more than I could chew earlier when I got into the current relationship if I may at all call it that anymore. When I first spoke of it, I was certain that it would be different, it would have me wishing for nothing more. I wrote of how I was trying to navigate the whole idea that love didn’t equate to time as I had perceived it for quite a while. Now when I think about it, I just might have to stick to the ideology that it does, at least for the sake of myself and to possibly avoid anymore misleading emotion. Can’t really say that the current downfall of my relationship right now is sourly the fault of my perception that maybe love could happen in a matter of a couple conversations and what felt like one’s show of their heart. It wasn’t an absolute misjudgement of my part, sad to say, life happened too. It was SHIT, it still is. I never thought that apart from situations in the like of long distance relationships or toxic partners, I’d ever feel out of emotion for a person due to issues not exactly their fault. I’m embarrassed to say that I can’t quite reveal my reasons for just yearning to end this so called relationship because it genuinely would paint a poor picture of myself. I’ve gone back and forth with myself on whether my reasoning is anyway valid to ending this and I believe in the midst of it all, I stopped feeling so strongly for him and now all that’s left is some form of dull care. The kind of care that in time fizzles out.
You might be wondering why I’ve not ended it yet. I question myself over it too. I realized that I had banked so much hope for this working out, now it just feels like a failure I don’t know how to let go of. A dead heart that I’m still trying to resuscitate. It leaves a bad taste in my tongue just having to admit that even despite thinking it was God sent, it still didn’t work out. Maybe that’s where I went wrong, I misplaced God’s unanswered prayers for one that was entirely my doing. So here I am, trying to work out how to let go of an already sank ship. In the time I’ve had to ponder over how to let go, I came to terms with the fact that I’ve grown scared. I’d secretly held out hope that it was finally no longer going to be lonely for me anymore, that I’d not have to go through life as a lone sailor. I was undoubtedly overjoyed when we started, I knew he’d slay through the thicket and climb over my walls, past the monsters both in and out of my head and through the tight locked door where I stood, ready to quit being alone. It sounds selfish, that the only thing keeping us from absolute disintegration is my fear of being alone. He undoubtedly deserves better than that. I believe in leaving things on a clean slate, I’ve never been one to carry a grudge, at least when it comes to boyfriends turn exs. My poor soul can’t stand to have someone mad at me, it’s a terrible perk. I’m aware that I’m gonna have to sever the ties, regardless of my fears. It’s all I can do to hope I will find contentment within myself and being by myself.
So yeah, with finality in my heart and my mind made up, I know I need to end this. Our so called love was virtual, it spoke and felt volumes of what we wished we would have been. Promises were made, deep words were thrown around in hope that we’d be together in an unbreakable bond. It’s also been terrifying to think of going back on my promises, promises that shouldn’t have been made at all now that I’m no longer under the haze of clouded infatuation. Truthfully a lesson to be learned not to throw around words like ‘need you‘ and ‘can’t survive without…’ around all willy nilly because as of weeks ago, neither of us could keep to our promises of need or survival for each other. The distance between us hasn’t entirely severed my affection for us, for the the short time we got to share whatever we did. I likely still hope, even against my better judgement that maybe just maybe if I’d have the soul to wait, we’d still work something out. But I need to make this final first before I can jump into anything else. It’s all I can do, to hope that it makes sense to him why I am doing this. I can’t speak for where his mind or heart lies in all this but I can hope that it at least makes a tiny bit of sense as to why this is our possible best shot. I will miss what we could have had. I’ll hurt, that’s for sure.
To be truthfully honest, I am summing up courage and will to put my current thoughts out here. I’ve kept repeating to myself that maybe it’s a bit too early to be expressing what I’m about to write out to the world but what the hell, it’s sorta now or never. It’s in the same concept of how I view loving someone and when is it more than just love…when is it the right time to admit not just to self but to others that you are feeling in love. Stereotypically, I’ve come to the acknowledgement that I affiliate love to a period of time. It always has seemed absurd that people could bring themselves to believe that in just a couple of months of knowing someone and exchanging vulnerabilities, one could peg themselves into thinking that they were in love with the person to whom they were getting to know. It was more absurd to me if I mentioned to a friend that I was talking to someone new and their first question would be whether I love the guy… It just doesn’t seem possible to feel such intensity in such a short manner of time. Though, maybe I am wrong because I’m beginning to see that what might have been and felt impossible and beyond absurd to me, is slowly & steadily changing right before my eyes.
Earlier in the year, in what I’d call my Faith moments, I prayed to God for a boyfriend. I told Him that I wanted someone who’d make me their world and not just a part of it but more so all of it. I was quite serious with my prayer and I was devoted to believing that God would come through. Over time, I fell back into routine where praying just kind of drifted away from my mind (p.s God forgive me) and I completely forgot that I’d been praying for a boyfriend with specifics in check. Now, over near three months later, here I am deliriously happy in a relationship that isn’t even a full two months old. It seems I’ve been breaking a lot of my own ideologies concerning love & falling in love. I’ve always separated the two aspects of love. Even the term caring hasn’t been one I’ve used lightly before, it’s actually what I’ve considered a lot of my past relationships as, them based on care rather than love. Caring to me is showing affection for one’s well-being and maybe due to that limiting factor, I didn’t suffer the intense aggony people seem to feel when they part with their partners. In my previous relationships, I struggled quite a lot to let my walls down and my guard as well. I had boundaries my partners didn’t even know existed. I was well aware I cared for them, for the physical and mental well being but I couldn’t bring myself to involve emotion into that sequence. I cared, but not too much. I let my guard down, but just enough for them to feel my presence. I didn’t love them and I wasn’t in love with them either. Back to the present, something has changed. Things have supposedly become everything emotional. Maybe it’s because, my current significant other showed me his flaws before he could introduce me to the rest of himself. Or maybe it’s because he expressed love for my flaws before he could see the less damaged sides of me. I can’t be certain what among the mirage of things between us has made our relationship special but I can say with certainty that emotions are now the biggest part of our relationship.
On the day we asked each other if we could be each others significant other, I remembered the prayers I had talked to God about giving me a boyfriend. Before then, I was ridden with doubt that this would turn out to be just too good to be true but in that moment when I remembered that I’d prayed for this, every sense of doubt dropped from my shoulders like I weight I had been carrying. I told myself that I’d take that as my sign that God had heard my prayers and He’d given me what I had asked for. A boyfriend who’d show me that my vulnerability to emotion could be something beautiful. That I didn’t need to time myself to how fast I’d care more than I was accustomed to. Now, I kinda do believe that love knows no time frame because it’s early in my relationship but I know for sure that I love him and he has relayed to feeling the same towards me. I’m no longer gonna just put one foot in and the rest of my body out. I definitely do deserve to be loved by someone with the emotional depth of more than a pin cushion and I definitely deserve to express more than just care to someone deserving of more love than my mere words can express.
P.S I’m not too sure if I’ve made sense with this post but hope it’s clear enough to have brought across the point of it all. Love, Dawn.
I’m not sure whether people often do this but it recently feels like I’ve been blind siding myself with what I want when it comes to those who intentionally if not accidentally fall in love with me. Nobody ever tells you it’s hard to be true with what you want or expect… to be upfront with your expectations & needs from others. They never tell you that you may feel guilt, shame, fear & doubt in the midst of asking for what feels deserving to you. Well I guess I may not necessary be speaking on everyone’s behalf. For those like me, some of us are just grateful enough to have someone care for us, even if it’s not necessarily in the way we would have liked.So here I am, about to say what I hardly ever allow myself to express in the open. If you fall in love with me, I need you to know that I’m a wreck inside. It might not be the best first thing to know, but I need you to be aware of it. I’m not broken or at least I don’t think I am, but I am slightly damaged though not too far gone that I won’t want to sink in your love, for I’ll pour out mine in torrents. Brace yourself for the constant show of care I’ll give you. I’m a caregiver, a lover and I’ll always want to be your friend even if we are not together. A whole lot of times, I’ll be selfless & put you first, even if it’s on my expense. A part of me is drawn to the dark & I’ll need you to love those parts of me too. I’ll need you to be patient with those parts of me that will reflect a hollow pit inside me that’s exactly that, a part of me. You may never understand it or wrap your head around it, but it will still need you. My demons aren’t pretty, but they can love too.I don’t want to tell you the obvious things. I want to let you in on the unconventional parts of loving me. I want you to see the dark before ever being exposed to my light. You’ll give up, won’t be the first either way but you’ll stand a chance to be the odd one out, for I’ll show you the tarnish before the good. Your love will be questioned, it’ll be put to the test of how resilient it is against the demons in my head. I don’t need you to try fix me, I need you to learn to accept them. The greatest battle you’ll face with loving someone like me, will not just be sticking around, it’ll be accepting my scars, both from the past, present & the future.Just as I expect sincerity from you, I’m obligated to give you the same. Your love might need to be strong for the both of us ,at least at the start. I might need to clutch on it before I’m able to get a bearing of how to manoeuvre around. I don’t feel good enough on a lot of times & your reassurance will be appreciated. That’s the only part of I allow myself to be selfish with. Vulnerability doesn’t come easy, I’ve not been given reason prior to be open with it. Don’t blame yourself if for my hesitation, I believe that if your love shakes up my ground, my heart will know that it’s finally ready to let you in. Don’t walk away, don’t close your eyes; they say if love is pain, well darling, let’s hurt tonight. ..and finally, if I do fall right back in love with you, you’ll be my world. Even when I’m a wreck, even when I feel torn, you’ll be all I’ll want. My love will come with my heart, my soul ,my body & maybe, just maybe, we can tame my mind together. I’ll fall in love with every part of you, the beautiful, the dark, the scared, the happy, I’ll want to be a part of everything you are willing to let me. We don’t need to be real in this reality, you & I can be real in my fantasy.
I’m going to try be brief cause whenever I have something I wanna write about, I slightly loose focus and the beginning of the blog throws me off a little every time. So we are in a new year, yeeei!!! That’s me being as enthusiastic as I can possibly get. But despite my bummed out funk, I do have a few things that I’ve chosen to pursue over the course of the year. I’ve probably mentioned before how clueless it gets for me to understand the concept of self love. I can’t exactly say I understand it but I’m choosing to quit looking at it like some sort of math equation with a more fucked up solution. So I choose to decide that whatever it is I’ll pursue to do that will bring me any remotely good, nice fuzzy feeling, will be my form of self love.
For starters, I just had this wonderful idea to go on a date with myself every once a month. Dress however my mood fits & just go have something that will appease both my mind and belly. I will set for a day every month to accommodate myself and whatever needs I feel I have over that specific period of time. This will allow me not to have multiple anxieties over what to wear, how much money I’ll need to spend, whether my date will be on time and whether I can get to wherever the date will be, all just because I’ll have the ball in my court. It will be just me & I’ll be fine with that. It won’t matter what time or place I chose to have this date but what will matter is that I’ll find worth in being able to simply let go and feel content by myself.
As brief as I’m trying to be, one other thing I want to pledge myself to put on hold is getting a tattoo this year. I believe I have had my fair share of tattoos over the past three years and taking a break from getting any more will allow me to quit dwelling on the heavy emotions that are on most times my muse on the said tattoos . This does not at all mean I regret any of the tattoos I have gotten, I treasure them immensely because they are a part of my story & history. All I’m choosing, is to put on hold getting any more tattoos over the year and just rather cherishing those I already have on me.
I really don’t have much I want to expect from the new year, I’d rather not put pressure on myself & on the year as well. I know it sounds like a cowardly move but I really just want a quiet year without too much sorrow, too much pain, too much heart ache and with just enough happiness to keep me going. Until I feel ready to tackle the world and throw at it every dream and wish I have, I’m choosing to let the world guide me and take it a day at time. Happy New Year 2020.
P. S Just a quick reminder, this year we don’t take trash sex, no trash foreplay and definitely no manhandling of tits.✊🏾
I’ve never been one to show weakness out front to the world.. The most I have revealed myself and torn down my high built walls is on this platform. As I write this, I am for the first time choosing to strip myself of my confidence and let it out that I feel a weakness that has been with me & am not sure if I will ever learn to depart from it. It’s a feeling that has rendered me weak for nearly five years now. I knew I wasn’t invisible to it, I just never thought I would feel it this intensely. Just thinking about it is enough to render my heart beats a little bit fast than usual.
I never signed up to feel this kind of way. I never signed up to love someone who at times didn’t feel worth loving ….but I still did. I hate that it’s not new to you for me to speak about how much turmoil this love has brought me. It’s crazy because it ever seems to me like I feel it dig deeper than before. I’ve seen and felt just a substantial amount of pain just for feeling this kind of love. It’s gotten me so damn scared to let go as well as so petrified to try again. I’ve never really known with this kind of love, but one thing’s for sure, it’s given me a weakness I’m not so sure I like to feel.
Time and time again I have gone in circles about how toxic I’ve felt for just feeling this kind of love. I feel unworthy to even mention the love’s name for fear of the shame it may bring me due to prior cases of having written about them. I hate the constant intrusion of thoughts of them being in my mind just because I can’t seem to quite shake off the weak feeling I get from loving them. It’s been an exhausting kind of love to feel if I’m being truly honest. It’s caused me more pain than I wish to go down memory lane for.
Not too long ago, a thought that I want to consider absurd popped up in my mind …that maybe this twisted connection that was created could have been a soul mate connection. But the little scared girl in me is too weak to let that thought out there just in case I stand a chance of great humiliation for even remotely thinking that my sense of weakness could feel as intensely as I do. “On too many occasions did it feel like loving you and you loving me was a game of tag . In all our time together, I placed the burden on you for me being too scared to acknowledge that I was just scared of being alone. I should have handled that better. But even now despite my light bulb moment, I still feel like I will always fall second to you. I will never be enough when it’s all I ever just wanted to be for you. I have hurt you previously because I needed to build a shield for myself to ease the constant feeling of failure of never being good enough.I am now truly sorry for all those times I strived to make you feel like you had to fight just a little for all of my attention when truly In my heart, all you just needed to do was ask. Call this petty or melodramatic but our relationship was never like any other that resembled ours. It’s what made me feel like we were special…the fact that I had never cared for anyone else before you like I did you. My heart had only ever felt that connected to my mother who was in doubt not a stranger to me but with you, you were in all certainty a stranger to me… And that’s what made you special and loving you became a weakness. Because I learned to love you when my heart was bleeding, torn and felt beyond repair. I squeezed you in a heart built of closed off tears and an immense grief that chokes me till date….and for that, you gained a place in a deserted hole too dark to know the difference between pained grief and being understanding …you built a love that became a weakness for me to you …
As I conclude this mini monologue I just had, I’m not too sure I wanna feel this weak anymore. I’m not certain there is an anymore for’ us ‘…It truly hasn’t been the easiest thing letting go. I thought that if I put enough strength into hating you, it would change how I feel about truly still caring for you.. I don’t wanna put myself up for another feel or sense of loss like I already do now. I just want to be comfortable enough to let go of caring enough to let myself go from having you as a weakness. I need to quit tying myself around you over and over again and finally just slowly and fully let you go. I don’t wish that our story would have been different because then I never would have felt like we were the special duo that we both can agree to have been. I hope that when I don’t feel so weak and so scared, I will be able to cross that bridge enough to be this weak upfront with you.
So the elephant in the ‘room’ in this case is how I have viewed and felt about homosexuality for the time I have known about it and learned what it entails. To be pretty honest ,it’s one of the topics I have truly tried to avoid having to write about in hopes to not offend anyone who may have reservations about it whether be it positive or negative. But today I am choosing to write about it because it’s no longer a subject that’s behind the shadows or hidden but it’s openly discussed .Then again, I constantly have to remind myself and those who take their time to read my blog/person journal that I don’t write for them, I write as a means of expressing my thoughts and feelings about what I experience in life.
When I saw this video, it felt a lot like a blind fold was taken off my eyes and I viewed the video not as two lesbians having a heart to heart conversation about their relationship but as two souls in love and it was honestly the most beautiful expression of love that I haven’t seen in a while. Previously I have had so many reservations about this specific topic because I have had it in mind to be hesitant in accepting something new and completely against a whole lot of my beliefs and principles that I got to be raised in. It went against not just my cultural beliefs but also my religious beliefs and how it’s perceived in Christianity. I guess I didn’t really know how to wrap my head around it and not be a stereotype about it but at the same time try understand what it entirely is about and why it seems to be such a taboo of a topic.
At first I was more of unbothered about it than open to it but that’s until I got to be in the middle of dramatic relationship whereby this specific aspect was the greatest factor. That period of time and experience with homosexuality really damaged my view on it. It felt a lot like it came along with immaturity of the said party and irresponsibility, emotional instability and just plain havoc especially because I was on the receiving end of all those negative outcomes. That whole experience gave me enough reason to feel homophobic just cause I had a terrible time .I realize now that I shouldn’t have been that fast to judge and jump to conclusions about homosexuals just from one bad experience with one person… Now I actually feel apologetic towards not having dealt with the situation better.
Despite what I may think and all my beliefs regarding homosexuality, I now think that with the growing culture existent and diversity in life, I’m no one to judge why people choose who they choose to love. I’m just one person who can either choose to be closed minded of such people and their culture or accept that it’s the life they have chosen for themselves and if it makes them happy, I’m no one to stand against their happiness. Love truly doesn’t have a choice and it’s not limited on specifics .Its non judgemental and free. So I may not understand the concept of loving someone of the same sex but I will allow myself to not look at them from a stereotypical point of view. That video really touched a part of me and the genuine emotion in the air between those two lovers was one that was quite undeniable. I acknowledge that probably not everyone who’s gonna read this will see it like I am now but well,its their choice. I am not writing about it to get validation on it, let me make that clear. It’s simply me acknowledging that now I think differently concerning it and I will strive to understand more other than jump into judging them. I’m staying woke people, you should too. ✌🏿