My underlying darkness….

What scares you the most about yourself? What’s that one aspect that you know deep down brings you shivers just thinking of it especially if you tapped into it? Well, I don’t expect all of you to have one but I sure do know I have mine.

If there is one thing I have really never been good at is explaining it out to people what kind of a person I am. I’m never quite certain whether I’m an introvert or whether am shy because as much as most times I do feel introverted or shy, it’s not all the time and that’s what makes it really hard to explain what kind of person I am.Hence forth ,I’ll be sure not to give a definite answer to that question in relation to myself. Though, despite it all, I do have one thing I’m largely certain about..its the dark aura I’m surely aware I’m drawn to. Can’t really tell when I realized that it’s quite a significant aspect about myself that doesn’t stand out to my public side but more of my very personal side. Maybe it was from the times as a child I never truly felt like I fit in with others because my aura naturally was withdrawn from everyone or it could be the countless times I looked up dark aesthetics on Pinterest felt a sense of contentment or it could be when I truly learned & felt what depression feels like especially when it’s looking you straight in the face with your reflection on it. Or maybe, just maybe, it was when I first felt the need for my death. I can’t quite place where I first felt the dark aura that looms and lurks somewhere at the back of my mind.

Having it doesn’t always mean I’m always consciously aware of it. Most people wouldn’t even tell that’s it there with me because it hasn’t taken root in my public scene. Though despite it being hidden, I can certainly say that it has affected other different aspects of myself like with the kind of man I want as a partner & spouse, with the type of sexual intrigue that appeals to me, to maybe I finding black quite naturally a beautiful colour and even as far as my career choice as well as other countless other things I’m still learning about myself .It sure is a part of me ,that I know. Question is, am I afraid of it…??

Would you be afraid of you being a joyous person or an extroverted person? Same case applies here.Do I have reason to be afraid that I am closeted dark goddess in the inside, not to me at least.. Its thrilling to be honest. It’s like my connection to my alter ego.The darkness I feel makes the public me completely worlds apart from the private . Its the bridge that divides two very different aspects of myself. It actually makes me happy to be different and it makes me yearn to connect to people I don’t often conform to on a normal basis. It allows me to intellectually think differently from most people and I gain momentum from that.

The most its ever been outwardly prominent is when I was struggling with my depression a couple months ago. To be quite honest, I was scared of it then cause I didn’t quite know how to maneuver around with it without letting suck me in. Pardon me for making it sound a lot like a spirit but then, it sorta felt like one. Most times people who haven’t experienced any kind of mental illness can’t quite understand what I mean but for someone who has remotely struggled with any sort of mental illness would know. I believe it’s different for everyone who’s been at that dark low point of their lives. Well, for me it was also quite a messy experience. It wasn’t the dark aura that I feel now, it was intoxicatingly dangerous. It fed off my fears and insecurities quite a lot and it suffocated me slowly from the inside out. It got me so low, low to the point suicide wasn’t too far fetched . It convinced me there was not much light at the end of the tunnel. Left me nursing separation anxiety and general anxiety of when things take the slightly turn for the worst. It got darker than it should have.

For now, I have it in check. I wouldn’t wanna change it about myself for anything. It makes me feel special and its unique having it and knowing its something that’s a part of you. I’m still on edge with loosing myself too much in it but I keep it at bay. It’s my year to bloom everything about myself, even the dark.. ✌🏿

Exhilarating Wrong but beautiful… 💆

Let me just start buy saying I am officially frustrated at the moment. It’s been quite an uneventful Saturday. First, I have a fall out with a friend and maybe it was long overdue. Let’s just say, I’m officially ready to take applications for new interesting applicants as best friends. I think this time, I wouldn’t mind one who comes with a manual so I know what am up against 😅. Anyway, then my day progresses to a couple of my friends coming over, they are a couple. Well, I’ve heard before that if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say it at all.. How oblivious can one can get before realizing that they are imposing or completely playing coy to someone else’s personal space ??Well, let me just finish off the summary of how my day was by saying, I have had better boring days… 😾

Now to the whole reason I wanted to update. I don’t exactly know how to put it ;I think in a short story version suits this best for personal reasons. A recent very close, maybe too close of a friend of mine had an experience that really intrigued me. She has this friend who is also an old ex of hers .They are very cordial with each and they don’t allow their past to affect their current relationship as friends. This ex recently needed a bit of advice since he was having a bit of a rough time. My friend is very warm hearted therefore she couldn’t say no and they scheduled to talk over fruit punch at her house.My friend explained it started great and they were able to really talk and she was able to counsel him concerning the problem he was facing. While really trying to be cordial, she noticed that his lower appendage was twitching. She played it cool and didn’t want to embarrass him by asking as to why he was getting a hard on in the middle of a counsel session. It wasn’t that she wasn’t attracted to him, hell she was. He had really grown into a sexy man since they last dated when he was just a lanky boy.

Eventually, she was done but the guy didn’t seem to wanna leave and she sorta knew why. He soon enough made the first move and damn she didn’t exactly stop him 😋. His kisses felt feathery and aggressive at the same time. She loved it. He tasted like marijuana and a blend of fruit juice that he had sipped on over their conversation. He gazed at her for a split second, and she knew that was him asking her permission to go on and her eyes gave it a go. She knew this was just a casual hookup and not them rekindling an old flame so she put her heart aside and the only dominant emotion she let take over was lust. Things got heated and soon enough, he was sheathing himself while she turned into a puddle for him. She was proud, he really had grown up, in all the right places 🤤.He knew how to command her body in ways nobody else had and she couldn’t be more pleased. He was rough and could hold her body down in just the right way.

After over four exhilaratingly beautiful rounds of sex, they cuddled in bed and just enjoyed each others company. She hadn’t expected their time together to end in each others arms huddled in bed naked and completely sated from the best mind blowing sex. It wasn’t meant to feel intimate but it did, for her at least it did. Then the part that intrigued me the most about this story was what she told me next. He kissed her on the forehead and she felt that kiss go straight to her heart. That wasn’t the plan and she didn’t know how she was meant to feel about him then after kissing her there.

From all this, I realized sometimes we don’t exactly have control of certain feelings because certain actions are quick to throw us off our game. I would have my heart fluttering and the soaring in the sky if a man did such a genuinely intimate gesture as kissing me on the forehead. I call it intimate because it is not your your average kiss. It’s a caring kiss, it’s a kiss that shows concern and affection. It’s a kiss that swoons a girl like me off my feet. I would say my friend is a very lucky girl but she is conflicted now, she doesn’t know what to do with the gittery butterflies in her heart or at least those swirling in her head. Hopefully, they won’t be soaring for too long, not at the expense of her poor heart. ✌

P. S Am not frustrated anymore.

They Come out to play in the 🌃.

Hey, it’s been a while. I didn’t mean for it to be so long since I wrote ,but well.. Life happens. I am uncertain about what exactly I wanna write about and whether I will have a fin for it. Nothing much has happened and I guess that’s the problem. It’s the problem because when I am idle, my mind turns into a play field for my demons.They have laid low for a while now, they know best to come out and play at night. It gets overwhelming but what can I do, I can’t fight.On some nights, they pull an all nighter on me and all I can do is sit through the torment of wanting to hurt myself and feel how raw pain can get.I don’t know what to do about it and whether I have a shot of not completely self destructing. But the scariest part & probably the most twisted is that I may not want to get rid of them. I have this yearning inside to feel pain, the kind of pain that’s heartwretching. They scream in my mind so loud sometimes and they shout how much I deserve and need this pain. They are like a mermaid’s siren, they sound so enticing yet so dark. I am enthralled by my pain and I don’t know whether to be scared of it or to embrace it.It’s lonely inside. My mind. It’s like a dark void sometimes that doesn’t have life in it. It’s no longer numb, now I seem to crave the pain and self inflicted turmoil going on inside. Maybe it’s because it’s all I have that’s actually mine. Though it seeks a companion. It seeks someone to wrap itself around and envelope. It’s seeks someone to share itself with and probably discuss on how to slowly turn me into a loon over a cup of ‘coffee ‘.It twistedly seeks love but not any kind of love. It seeks a damaged soul just like mine. My demons won’t settle for normal. They yearn for someone dark minded and one who feels just as much as I do. A love so deep yet so deranged. The kind that’s so intoxicating yet too intimate. The kind thats obsessive over each other because they not only relate: they intertwine like a gush of air to dry lungs. It seeks a demon of its own kind. And I hope he is out there, I hope he feels as twisted as I do inside and that my demons are loud enough to call his just so I can finally have someone who understands me without trying to judge or change me because he will know how much comfort pain can give when it’s the only thing you have.Nothing anymore offers me comfort. Nothing anymore is a safe haven for me. Not even my therapist. Nobody understands and am not saying this to sate any cliché messed up life statements people throw around. I say it because it’s what it is. Its exhausting having to explain every darn time so I choose to keep it. Not even my closest partner or roommate sees it. That’s how good i’ve gotten at concealing the darkness that’s inside my mind. It lurks within the walls of my head, careful not to peek beyond it’s boundaries. I no longer have control of my thoughts and all am allowed to feel and draw in is pain and numbness. It’s no longer when I tried or thought I tried fighting it, now, I just wait on it. I won’t tell you what to think of me when any of you will read this. Its no longer my will to keep trying to explain. I have embraced it and maybe if am lucky enough, it will leave on its own and I won’t have to be dragged down to the depths of my self created hell. ✌P.s Don’t be blinded by my smiles on my photos, nobody said anything about demons not being smilers.