I’ll try be discreet… It’s all am trying to be right now…not draw any attention to myself .Today I crossed a bridge. A bridge I never in my wildest dreams ever thought I would cross. A bridge I never thought would be in my life story .I always thought I was better than that….Ironic huh! That I would never have to feel the need to cross that bridge, but I did.
I wish I could retrace back so many steps that I took today but I can’t. It’s already done. I crossed a bridge I should never have. Not even in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would be strong enough to do it but crossing it for me just proved how strongly weak I am. I didn’t fight myself from it even when I know I should have. I didn’t try to stop it, I went ahead & did it.
As I took to crossing that bridge, I lost a bit of myself with every step I made. I could feel pieces of myself detach from me and break a little bit more .I wept for each piece of me that died today on that bridge. I wept for each person who I disappointed for crossing that bridge. I most especially wept for I knew what it fully meant me crossing that bridge. Those tears were my grief for the person who kept breaking as she took steady calculated steps across. I don’t recognize that person as myself anymore.
Finally, we crossed the bridge. The me now, took time to look over at all what I had lost over the period of crossing over. I saw the pieces of me that I will never get back. I saw the once hopeful little girl who thought that despite the little dark place in her mind that whispered to her, she could overcome it . She wept for me, she too saw the pieces that died along that fateful bridge.
Now here we are. More hollow than we ever were before. I walked away from that little girl because she no longer could save herself. I am a shell of the person I was today morning. I never quite understood what sort of peace people spoke about after crossing that bridge ;it sounded absurd to me especially since its not a bed of roses. But I felt it. It was crazy how quickly calm and collected I felt. I thought I was numb before, this calmness took numbness to an entirely different level. I didn’t feel, I didn’t hear, I didn’t think. It was QUIET. So quiet in my mind, I haven’t had such an eerie feeling before that that was that calming. I now well understand the peace that came with crossing that bridge. The whispers finally shut up because they got what they wanted. Through that bridge, I made a deal with the devil in my head and there’s nothing I can do to go back from it.
They have laid low for a while now, they know best to come out and play at night. It gets overwhelming but what can I do, I can’t fight.On some nights, they pull an all nighter on me and all I can do is sit through the torment of wanting to hurt myself and feel how raw pain can get.I don’t know what to do about it and whether I have a shot of not completely self destructing. But the scariest part & probably the most twisted is that I may not want to get rid of them. I have this yearning inside to feel pain, the kind of pain that’s heartwretching. They scream in my mind so loud sometimes and they shout how much I deserve and need this pain. They are like a mermaid’s siren, they sound so enticing yet so dark. I am enthralled by my pain and I don’t know whether to be scared of it or to embrace it.
It’s lonely inside. My mind. It’s like a dark void sometimes that doesn’t have life in it. It’s no longer numb, now I seem to crave the pain and self inflicted turmoil going on inside. Maybe it’s because it’s all I have that’s actually mine. Though it seeks a companion. It seeks someone to wrap itself around and envelope. It’s seeks someone to share itself with and probably discuss on how to slowly turn me into a loon over a cup of ‘coffee ‘.It twistedly seeks love but not any kind of love. It seeks a damaged soul just like mine. My demons won’t settle for normal. They yearn for someone dark minded and one who feels just as much as I do. A love so deep yet so deranged. The kind that’s so intoxicating yet too intimate. The kind thats obsessive over each other because they not only relate: they intertwine like a gush of air to dry lungs. It seeks a demon of its own kind. And I hope he is out there, I hope he feels as twisted as I do inside and that my demons are loud enough to call his just so I can finally have someone who understands me without trying to judge or change me because he will know how much comfort pain can give when it’s the only thing you have.Nothing anymore offers me comfort. Nothing anymore is a safe haven for me. Not even my therapist. Nobody understands and am not saying this to sate any cliché messed up life statements people throw around. I say it because it’s what it is. Its exhausting having to explain every darn time so I choose to keep it. Not even my closest partner or roommate sees it. That’s how good i’ve gotten at concealing the darkness that’s inside my mind. It lurks within the walls of my head, careful not to peek beyond it’s boundaries. I no longer have control of my thoughts and all am allowed to feel and draw in is pain and numbness. It’s no longer when I tried or thought I tried fighting it, now, I just wait on it. I won’t tell you what to think of me when any of you will read this. Its no longer my will to keep trying to explain. I have embraced it and maybe if am lucky enough, it will leave on its own and I won’t have to be dragged down to the depths of my self created hell. ✌P.s Don’t be blinded by my smiles on my photos, nobody said anything about demons not being smilers.
At the very early stages of my depression ,I didn’t want to be around people and am still apprehensive about it. It felt like such a burden having to put up a smile & a pleasant face so I wouldn’t have to keep getting the question ‘are you okay, is something wrong ?’ I have not fully mastered the art of blanketing my emotions so sometimes I have slip ups & sadness can easily be detected even from my mood. I became so aware of everyone around me and it just fueled my physical insecurities and made me twice as subconscious than I usually was. Claustrophobia became real for me even when not in a closed place and to be honest all I wanted was to sink deeper into my bed alone in my apartment.
Another one of the perks of my anxiety is something I realized I did a lot at the beginning of my high school. Stress eating.I have no problem being a plus sized female, I have slowly embraced that part of me but it doesn’t justify me eating my problems away which I do a lot more than is healthy. When my anxiety kicked in sometime while I was in school, I left after my first class and skipped the rest: Came home immediately and ate two packets of noddles. (In my case that’s a lot if you count I probably ate a packet on a daily 😬). That’s just a first in comparison to all the other times when all I do is stuff my anxiety in this case in junk form down my throat. I don’t know if I have it under control just yet but I recently touched on it to my therapist but we didn’t really get a chance to delve deeper concerning it. I definitely don’t want it to be a habit I follow through with.
I am not a bossy person. I think I’m not. I am also not a complete control freak but I have a certain way I rather have things around me done. For example if I am cooking, I can’t honestly stand an untidy sink. It silently pisses me off. I sometimes easily get irritated especially when I am engrossed in an activity and something or someone distracts me. It becomes frustrating for me and I want to pluck not only the disrupters hair but mine as well 😠.There are times when I get so upset ,I feel tears welling up in my throat because I can’t control my reaction to certain things so my emotions become overwhelming. It gets harder because everyone else is not sensitive to your emotional instability and therefore they don’t treat you with any sensitivity or caution. I am not insinuating that I am any special to be treated differently, sometimes it’s nobody’s fault really how I will react. I guess my uncertainty of how people will handle me or respond to our interaction is what restricts me from engaging with people and therefore I feel safer in the comfort of my house and bed. There nobody can really hurt me. I am safe wrapped in bundles of my sheets where no snarky comments will well up tears in my eyes.
I just realized that I could go on and on about what anxiety does to me and how it affects me. Currently I feel a bit more in control of my emotions than I was a while ago.I remember I once quoted that dealing with anxiety is like drowning but not dying therefore the pain is all you keep feeling but have no way to stop it. I still feel anxious now because of the uncertainty that this small shimmer of hope that I am in right now will soon turn dark and eventually dim and fizzle. I am anxious about not having anxiety and feeling like it will probably be a prank by life and when I will just be about to stand on my own, it will come like a kick to the shin. I hope that’s not the case though because I do want to get over all of this. I guess I will just have to stay hopeful and take the risk despite how scary it feels. ✌
