11 things I am grateful for.

1. I am grateful for my father and my sister who are both alive and doing well.

2. I am grateful for I have a shelter to sleep in and food to eat.

3. I am grateful that I have bed despite its discomfort. I am still grateful.

4. I am grateful for my family both nuclear and extended who are always there for me when I need them and who come through for my family in times of need.

5. I am grateful for finishing school and doing so while passing my exams greatly.

6. I am grateful for my health and both the health of my family and friends.

7. I am grateful for the chance I got at an internship. It was my first chance and I am grateful that it may go through.

8. I am grateful for this blog that reminds always that I am a talented writer and will only get better from here.

9. I am grateful my sister’s support and everything she does to keep me going. The words of encouragement, the pep talks, the feeding and everything. I cannot fully express how grateful I am for her.

10. Finally, I am grateful for life. On many occasions, it is easy for me to go down the rabbit hole that is suicidal thinking. I struggle often to find the meaning of life for myself but I know I need to constantly remember to be grateful for the life I have.

11. I am most grateful for my mental health. It was in the gutter and few months ago and doing better now. I am grateful for the antidepressants I have access to every month to get better.

This is for YoU.

This is for those unwanting of the new year. It is for those whose uncertainties in life didn’t magically disappear just because the new year is here. It is also for those whose sadness didn’t escape them when the clock hit midnight. These little words are for you.

I haven’t felt much of anything in a brief moment. When in regard to feelings, I wanna believe that my thought trajectory is always leaning on happier feelings, feelings of light and joy. Sometimes maybe even a little bit of peace. It is the new year and I can’t seem to feel the light and love going on around the world. Do I necessarily think it’s my fault that I feel forlorn at the start of a year that is magically supposed to bring cheer, no, not really? I understand hope and faith in wanting this time around to be different but what for us who can’t seem to grasp those little motions of hoping for another year of change. I read somewhere that sometimes all in one year, one is capable of living three years in one. Can’t blame me for feeling scared that this new year might in turn bring me three years instead of one.

This is for the unprepared. These words are for the sceptic people not sure of themselves enough to find joy in the new year. This is for those still carrying remnants of the day ago year that still lingers. For those who feel their losses so immensely, the beginning of a new year would be like erasing the memory of the loved one no longer there. This is for those who would rather not sit through doing a recap of their past year for it would mean scaling back old wounds. All of this is for us who will take it a day at a time as always.

Antidepressants

What are antidepressants?
I wanna believe that majority of you are familiar with the term antidepressants or have come across it once in a while somewhere. For the few that may not be aware of what exactly they are, they are medicine taken for different mental health illnesses. Most especially depression. That’s the lame man’s definition.

Why am I on antidepressants?

I’ve mentioned before that I have been on and off antidepressants before. I started taking antidepressants for my depression and anxiety sometime last year after a terrible episode that required me to see a psychiatrist and through that session, I was prescribed my first set of antidepressants. I was on Mirtazapine for my first dose and I’ll go into detail on the side effects in a few. For a first timer, I can say I took it like a champ. It’s a different experience to be on this medication but it might seem scary at first but I can assure or anyone who may be on the path to having it prescribed to them by their doctor, it will help. It is part of the means of getting better.

Side effects of the antidepressants

Disclaimer

The side effects stated below are mine and not a general over view of all the side effects one is prone to get while on any set of antidepressants prescribed to you by your psychiatrist.

My initial reaction to starting antidepressants was that it would minimise the depression I was feeling in a matter of days but I got to learn quite quickly that that wouldn’t be the case. On mitarzapine, the effects quite frankly hit me like a hurricane. The depression quite literally became worse before it became better. On most occasions, there is always a fluctuation in weight and sadly for me, I gained a lot of weight. My appetite sorta increased ten fold and I was eating on a constant. The hunger was on another level. When I mentioned earlier that I took it like a champ was because despite how gravely the side effects were, I never discontinued it and was on it for a month before I had my prescription changed by my then psychiatrist.

My second prescription was what I gotta admit taking was an extreme sport. I didn’t go long on them due to the grave side effects they had on my body. I won’t mention the names of the exact medicine I was on just in case it gives off the wrong depiction of the said meds. I remember on the second night of taking them, I began to have serious tremors. I couldn’t stop shaking and my teeth rattled, you’d think I was on the North Pole. In addition to that, my heart started pounding so heavily, I was sure I was gonna have a heart attack. With the side effects being that heavy, I had to discontinue the medication and it took me a whole nearly six months before I went on any other antidepressants.

Mid year of 2021, I got into another depression episode that required me to visit a new psychiatrist since I was home over that period. This time around, I got a better prescription than the last which is what I am still on currently. I am on 10mg Cipralex and 10mg haloperidole. The first one is majorly for my severe depression whereas the latter is for my anxieties and agitation. On the first take of this medication, it didn’t have much of a side effect that I could positively point out but now when I’m currently on it, there are a few new side effects that are damning to the soul.

This will positively be very inappropriate to whoever reads this but I’ll say it anyway, my vagina has been going through it with this current set of meds I’m on. Going through it, I mean it’s dead dead. Like I can’t seem to get aroused what’s so ever and trust me, I have tried. You name it, besides sex though… don’t gotta a guy for that, or a boyfriend too.

Not too long, I was ranting to a close friend how I can’t seem to feel the slightest bit of sensation down there and she had a good laugh out of it. Besides the dead vagina, I also can’t seem to feel much joy over anything which is a lot like a mild numbness. What I can’t truly stand though, out of all this, is the agitation at night, right before bed. It is darn right annoying. It’s such an extreme sport to get myself settled in bed when it feels like every thought is racing and none of them have got sleep in them.

So yeah, just thought I’d share my brief experience with taking antidepressants and hope it distigmatizes them for the better.

Save My Soul.

Trigger Warning.

‘’How do I begin to set out to the world this painful reality that even I aren’t sure I have fully acknowledged? Most nights, I am uncertain of whether I have the reality of a tomorrow. I can’t seem to decide if seeing the night through is my main goal or whether I am just being dramatic over my emotions. There is this unbearable need inside my head that tells me that nothing is right, that nothing I feel or do can or will make anything right.

For the past two weeks or so I have been fighting the reality of the fact that I have been feeling suicidal. It has no longer just been fleeting thoughts anymore but solid assurances that I no longer can decide on whether life is bearable enough to be lived. I have thought through it so many times, I have questioned myself on whether it is real in both my heart and my head. It physically aches inside me whenever I think that I could finally be ready to let everything go. It is a very unbearable burden to carry because I have found no means or way to tell this to anyone. I am convinced that either no one will believe me or they probably won’t know what to do.

How do I begin to explain this to anyone when I myself haven’t entirely come to terms with this frightening realization? How do I put this into words to anyone else when all I truly feel is shame over even feeling like this? I say this with absolute resolute, the only thing that I am certain about in the midst of all the turmoil going on inside my head is that I have absolutely no idea what to do or where to start dealing with these feelings or these thoughts of suicide. It scares me not knowing how or where to start. So yeah, that is right where I am.’’

The above text was written by a very desperate, sad, despaired and most especially depressed girl. I can’t say with certainty that any of those damning feelings are gone yet, or better yet, I do know where they are. They are retreating to the back parts of my mind now that it feels a lot like I have a bit of amour against them. When I read those words above, I remotely can’t entirely recognize the girl who wrote them. She looks and feels a lot like a hollow shell and it is terrifying to think that at any one point I was this girl, I am this girl. The emotions feel like a vague memory, it has the vagueness of a sketchy dream that only holds bits and pieces of what is to be recalled of it. I wish all the memories of that pain could be erased but some of it is marred on my arms as-a-result of trying to drain it out. The pain is stuck deep inside, deeper inside than the mere blood in my veins. The scars in my hand are just a reminder of a very short-lived relief that didn’t ever quite feel like relief at all.

There is a very stark difference between being alone and being lonely. My depression is always certain to make sure I feel the best of both worlds, at least in regard to those two aspects of isolation. The most singular of the two feelings is when your entire being is encased in a fog of loneliness. No sense of reassurance would convince you otherwise of the fact that you are absolutely alone and beyond lonely. This time around, it dawned on me that I wasn’t intentionally choosing to be lonely apart from the intentional choice I made to be alone. It took all the energy I had in me to have any conversation I might have kept up with during this time. I can say with certainty that I have not spoken to the few people in my life to whom on occasion have seemed to retain some parts of me as their friend.  The looming darkness is all that encases you, it is all I could think about. I was entirely convinced that nobody in my world would find a solution enough to save me from the dark pit I was in. I felt nothing beyond the scariest darkness known to my mind.

I feel like it’s important I make this fact clearer, depression is not just a bit of sadness. It is a lot more than even I can express. It is for sure something I still don’t think I have the full grasp over in regard to how vast of a feeling, an emotion, a concept, a thought, a sensation, an enlightening and a whole lot more. Depression is also quite invisible. It never is something graspable to the naked eye. For me, it is very suffocating. My mind never feels like it has any space to breathe, it feels like the only space I can afford to think is in remote gasps of air. It feels like it would resemble a lot of what I think it feels like to drown. The panic, anguish, despair and the complete lack of hope for rescue sounds a lot like how my mind is right now. Sally Brampton, the author of the memoir Shoot the damn Dog wrote in a very precise manner what it is like to experience the depravities of the mental fuck that is depression. She describes its most corrosive aspect as despair and catastrophic. She continues to elaborate on how impenetrable and unendurable it is.

I have experienced suicidal ideation before but never to its full potential as it was this time around. I knew I was deep in the gutter, submerged under when I couldn’t quit thinking of just how peaceful and pain numbing dying would feel like. When the thought became a permanent fixture in my mind, I knew there was no way around this. I didn’t want to be alive anymore. That awareness became the dawn of a new twisted kind of sorrow. I recall on some nights crying so deeply and feeling the pain and anguish so physically from knowing that I was lost in myself. I was lost in my hopelessness and my mind had resided itself to no longer living but to completely quit existing. To a degree, I thought if I hurt myself enough, it would ease that ache even just a little bit, enough to satiate it. Dull it down. It didn’t quite do it. It led me to commit my first suicide attempt. I remember the night vaguely but I recall the intent behind the pain I felt that night. I recall the finality to my thoughts when I placed the razor to my vein. I remember the soaked tears in my sheets from my wet face. It was a pain I can only describe as purely indescribable. 23rd of October,2021 I decided I didn’t want to live anymore, at least not in the state of mind that I was in.

I can’t say with absolute resolute that I don’t want to not live anymore. Am alive now, still in despair but alive. I’m on antidepressants currently so it is all I can hope that along the way, I find it easier to want to stay alive. A lot is still yet to be done and I can’t say for certain when any of it will be done. I still have struggles that play a major role in making it harder for me to fully get the help I need so it is all I can do but trying live a minute at a time. It has taken me nearly a month to write this and I’m okay with that. Writing and reading for me take quite the hit in periods of my depression so to an extent, I am proud I got to be candid about what it has and is still like for me to live with this unbearable monster that lives inside of my head. 

Some version of me + My Anxiety

Disclaimer; This is a very anxiety-ridden post so I hope you can bear with me.

What my anxiety told me today…

  1. My blog update (this very same one that I am writing now) will not make any absolute sense to anyone who will come across it, which begs the question of why am I even trying to write it to begin with. It will probably be a jumbled mess of my thoughts. No one should be subjected to reading my not so coherent thoughts.
  • Everything I will probably write here on this precise post will make zero sense to anyone. It probably is and will be an exaggeration of my said anxiety and it does not need to be highlighted at all.
  • I am incapable of writing anything substantially true and intelligent about what it feels like to live life with anxiety. I am never too conscious of it anyway, it probably is just another fabrication of my mind. Get over yourself Mercy, you can’t get any less pathetic than this.
  • I am an imposter at my own experience in anxiety which technically means that I probably don’t have anxiety at all. Nothing about my life can legitimize that I do actually have anxiety so why don’t I merely stop trying to convince the world that I do have it just so I can cover up being a weak human being.
  • Nobody likes my blog. Everyone probably thinks of it as quite mediocre and cliché. So what, that you experience a degree of sadness more often than not and that you are an attention seeking bitch which is probably why you cut yourself and have zero concept of selflove. That doesn’t make you anymore depressed than the rest of the world. The world truly doesn’t care much about what you write. They definitely won’t care about the pity party you are having with yourself right now by writing this.
  • I have no place in this world for me and my anxiety. (p.s I genuinely do believe this.)

My anxiety reared its ugly head out today. Maybe it was due to the fact that it was a lot more at the forefront of my thoughts today than it is on other days. Late last night before bed, my sister and I were having an honest conversation about why it is life feels very hopeless currently, especially for me to be precise. It is through that conversation that I was able to reveal to both myself and her just how immensely anxious I am over what is supposed to be the next phase of my life. The revelation of just how much anxiety I have for this next phase of life was both liberating to know as well as scary as hell. Later after having that conversation, I went to bed with quite a lot on my mind. Now that I knew why it was taking me so long to make any resemblance of progress in life, it left me questioning how exactly am I supposed to get past the crippling anxiety that I have.

Coming into today, I knew that I wanted to write concerning every little thought that was skimming through my mind about what it is like to have anxiety always as a voice second to that of your conscious thoughts. I didn’t know how I was going to be elaborate enough to give a sense of clear understanding and depiction of what it is like to go through the motions with anxiety wrapped around you like a second skin. Just thinking about how I wanted to project my anxiety in words, gave me major anxiety. The anxiety I got earlier just thinking about what I was going to write about was what prompted me to start this blog the way I did. I would begin by depicting exactly what it is like to have anxiety have you second guess every little bit of everything that you do. I was and still very much are conscious of my anxiety now even as I write this. My anxiety has me immensely worried that I’ll come out looking like a fraud or an imposter who’s just full of excuses over why she hasn’t made any kind of progress in her life since finishing school. I tried writing down prompts as a result of my anxiety so I wouldn’t keep repeating myself but now as I am trying to write this using them, I am afraid that they don’t seem to be making much sense to me now. That statement alone is a very big depiction of just how prominent anxiety is for me.

I have alluded in previous blogs just how weird of a child I was. As I have grown over the years, a lot of those weird quacks that I didn’t quite understand why I had them now make a lot of sense because they were merely just anxieties I had. Today, most of them would fall under what most would perceive as just personality traits and I too think that to an extent, they have morphed deeper into my personality than I care to admit. I not too long ago wrote about how bad of a perfectionist I am and maybe I didn’t dig deeper on why is the case but I understand now that it actually has a lot to do with my anxiety. For me, having everything happen in a precise and specific way allows me to gain control of the outcome. At the back of my mind, anxiety is the voice that requires me to feed on that sense of control. I have tried to never find out what the consequences will be if things don’t happen in perfect order but I am probably guessing that the world doesn’t collapse and neither does my life. Anxiety makes you too scared to find out that nothing probably does happen.

In the case of my not so foreseeable future, anxiety has taken away every sense of hope I have that adulting is not some big bad wolf that intends to gobble me up and spit me out like cud. It was a long time coming but for the past couple of months, I have been evading the subject of what’s next for me now that school is done. I have told myself and those around me of just how unprepared I am for working or looking for a job at that. Most people’s responses to my uncertainty of choice are that I would eventually have to start somewhere, regardless of whatever. As long as the rest of the world has gone down the same road into adulting, I don’t have much of a choice in it either. Revisiting this conversation with my sister was able to give me insight and perspective of just how much my anxiety has the reign over this. I probably did not take time to really go into the depths of why I was so resistant to the idea of working and of not feeling qualified enough to work in my field of expertise. Feeling anxious can do that to someone; Blind you from the fact that it is no ordinary fear but in hindsight, it is genuinely crippling anxiety that you’re feeling.

Now that I am aware of just how much anxiety has a hold on me right now, I do not know how to work my way around it. I still very much are terrified of looking for work and starting that work. I feel quite amateurish in the career I chose and I don’t think there is much I can do about that feeling, not when it will probably take me years of more studying in school for me to trust in my expertise. On previous occasions, I have had a little control over my anxiety through smoking and truthfully speaking, I can’t seem to even stand the scent of an unlit cigarette, let alone smoke it. I thought before that if I replaced self-harm with smoking, it would give me a better hold on my anxiety levels but I am aware that it merely turns into a rabbit hole that is never quite easy to get out of. I have been clean for a couple of months now, I think it’s safe to say I am trying to keep it that way.

It is of great importance that I try and get a hold of this crippling anxiety that I have over starting work and getting a job. Right now, all it has achieved is make me absolutely horrified about life and what to expect of it. My ambitions in life have become less because I am convinced that I don’t want to live long enough to keep trifling with anxiety at every step of my life. Anxiety demystifies death for me every other day. I can’t even express this to anyone because it comes off as such a cowardly notion to not want to live over the tiniest bit of change. Anyone would think that dying is too big of a reason or in their minds, too melodramatic of an excuse to do just because I am not ready to take up life by its horns… and I wouldn’t blame anyone for thinking that. Anxiety is a ball of melodramatic fear over consequences that are very much unlikely to happen. I can’t tell you what exactly petrifies me so much about the whole idea of getting a job as a counsellor and having a supervisor but I can assure you, I am convinced in my mind that I am not ready for it and if on the chance that I do start off unprepared, I will be the world’s unhappiest human being which eventually might give me reason enough to jump ship from this thing we call life.

Bathe my sorrows away 🛀

I just took a bath. Where is the glamour or surprise in that you ask 🤔?? Well, I hadn’t bathed for a couple days as unpleasant as that revelation may sound because I have been sulking in bed and so damn tired to do anything for that matter. Yes, when I am in my very annoying funk, I am so exhausted by everything that simple day to day tasks are highly undo~able for me. So I want to let you in on how my bath time was…

Initially, I wasn’t just taking a bath to shed off the dirt I had accumulated over the couple days. I am keeping it to myself the number of days I hadn’t bathed to not entirely destroy my life reputation 😅.I wanted to release the tension from my body with warm water and just for those few minutes, close my mind and shut everything off. Not so sure whether that happened ,whether I closed my mind cause I’m pretty sure I was thinking through how to write this blog post. I had this whole entire idea of how I wanted to feel in that bathroom and how I was supposed to shed off the weight on my body. There is something I once in a while do whenever I am at my home where I cleanse myself and just take time to feel beautiful while I am bathing: I light up some candles in the bathroom and take my sweet time to lather myself and bathe very sensually. The candles are nothing fancy, just the normal nonscented kind. I usually have this whole idea in my head, where in my mind I am supposed to be in a 🛀 soaking up in a bubble bath while sipping on a glass of wine but we work with what we have right?

I don’t know whether I washed away my sorrows and tension off my body but at least I became clean 😊. My hair was soon gonna turn into a bird’s nest so a good old bath has done me well. While I was in the middle of bathing, I tried out a test theory to prove to myself that the reason as to why I can’t bring myself to physically hurt myself is because I would rather not feel pain anymore than I am mentally. I poured candle wax on my bare skin right from a burning candle and tried to numb the feeling of the heat sipping into my body. I couldn’t completely numb the pain which was sorta what I wanted to prove. I will leave it at that because my mind is still uncertain when it comes to the whole issue.

My whole bathroom experience was interesting at some extent. I had one motive when I initially decided to bathe and left with a sort of interesting feeling which wasn’t initially intended but not in a bad way. It wasn’t exactly exhilarating. On the current, I am okay. I have gotten that question today a couple times from people and to be truly honest I haven’t had a solid answer for ‘how are you?’ .For now, I am okay. Bathing has actually relaxed me and my body is at least in tune with the rest of the world for now before its dragged back by my messed up mind. I might have missed the wine and the bathtub but whatever part of me has gotten relief even just for tonight is worth the nonscented candles and look warm water.

P.s I took a couple pictures of how my bathroom looked like while I was showering with the candle light and the aura. I also took a picture of myself in that very raw moment. I recently tweeted how I haven’t felt beautiful in a while. Sulking does that to someone. The picture I took may not be all that glamoured up but for that moment, I felt relaxed.

Numbing my way out…

Surprise surprise!!.. I haven’t rested yet. I haven’t closed my eyes completely without waking up. At least not yet though. The pain hasn’t gone away. It’s still lurking around my brain and filling my mind with ways to give in to its naughty whispers.I don’t know if I completely feel worse but I can definitely ascertain that I ain’t feeling any better. I am trying to set it aside because on the current I have exams going on. Maybe it’s secretly a good thing that I psychologically don’t want to flunk my exams because it means my fear of the consequences of me failing means I want to go that far enough to go through this. I want to be there at that time, means I want to live long enough to survive till then. Congratulations to me 🎉🎉…i haven’t exactly lost all hope .Please don’t mind my sarcasm, i think it’s how am coping knowing I am having mental breakdowns left right and centre 😏.I am over feeling sorry for myself, I am over struggling to try and be positive. I am over just trying to be better. I know this is quitter talk but what’s left to fight for. I secretly know I should fight this for those I love but knowing I don’t even probably love myself makes it feel like a waste of time. It’s sad enough that I want to stop this by putting in place those naughty thoughts that keeping creeping up on my mind.

I keep having this thought in my head, if I happened to have the biggest fall out of my depression and for some reason it landed me in the hospital, would people care then? No think about it, I post every time I write about how fucking messed up I am and nobody has asked me about it not even once. I don’t know what they think of it or even whether they care but one thing is for certain ,If I hurt myself and landed myself in a hospital bed ,people would care then. Maybe it’s what I should do so people can quit stereotyping my depression. I think I have such a good front that I mask it so good they probably think I am handling it like a champ. Well news flash, I am a fucking wreck waiting to blow up sooner than later. I too might actually just be stereotyping my depression. Maybe for those who might probably think I am only in search of attention might not be so far from the truth. I don’t know the truth myself anymore. Maybe I might just be making a fuss over nothing whenever I feel emotionally,mentally and physically exhausted. Maybe I am just fussing over nothing when I keep thinking of buying a razor blade and despite the fear of the pain it will inflict on me physically, I might just get the little tiny bit of relief I am looking for. Maybe I am just fussing over nothing feeling like I am going batshit crazy 🙄.

I know somewhere in the back of my fucked up mind I want to get better. I don’t want to give up just yet.Call it whatever you want, seeking attention,sympathy or empathy, it doesn’t matter if I will be dead. So yeah, I do need help because I can’t fucking do this on my own anymore. Nothing feels safe enough for me at the moment, not being numb, stereotyping myself or even wanting to hurt myself. I just want to get better and go on with my life. Who would have guessed it would so much to ask? I will let you in a secret, I need to finish my exams first before I land in the hospital.When I have everyones attention and they won’t take this as lightly as they are, you can bet on it you’ll be the first to know… ✌

See it through me..Behind the wall of my Anxiety

I wasn’t with the intention to write twice in less than two hours. This I can assure you is quite a surprise, even for me. Guess I’m on a roll tonight😊. So I realized I have been talking so much on dealing with anxiety and depression that I never really explained in detail what anxiety is for me. I have previously mentioned that my anxiety more so stems from fear and worry. I was going through my feed on Pinterest which is full on loaded with anxiety topics and how to deal with it and as I was going through my feed I came across an anxiety cloud that has countless pins on what anxiety sorta makes one feel and it like literally spoke out what I have been dealing with. Most people who haven’t experienced this would probably not understand what the whole fuss is about and no wonder they give out some not so amusing (in real sense I mean shitty ) advice.At the very early stages of my depression ,I didn’t want to be around people and am still apprehensive about it. It felt like such a burden having to put up a smile & a pleasant face so I wouldn’t have to keep getting the question ‘are you okay, is something wrong ?’ I have not fully mastered the art of blanketing my emotions so sometimes I have slip ups & sadness can easily be detected even from my mood. I became so aware of everyone around me and it just fueled my physical insecurities and made me twice as subconscious than I usually was. Claustrophobia became real for me even when not in a closed place and to be honest all I wanted was to sink deeper into my bed alone in my apartment.Another one of the perks of my anxiety is something I realized I did a lot at the beginning of my high school. Stress eating.I have no problem being a plus sized female, I have slowly embraced that part of me but it doesn’t justify me eating my problems away which I do a lot more than is healthy. When my anxiety kicked in sometime while I was in school, I left after my first class and skipped the rest: Came home immediately and ate two packets of noddles. (In my case that’s a lot if you count I probably ate a packet on a daily 😬). That’s just a first in comparison to all the other times when all I do is stuff my anxiety in this case in junk form down my throat. I don’t know if I have it under control just yet but I recently touched on it to my therapist but we didn’t really get a chance to delve deeper concerning it. I definitely don’t want it to be a habit I follow through with.I am not a bossy person. I think I’m not. I am also not a complete control freak but I have a certain way I rather have things around me done. For example if I am cooking, I can’t honestly stand an untidy sink. It silently pisses me off. I sometimes easily get irritated especially when I am engrossed in an activity and something or someone distracts me. It becomes frustrating for me and I want to pluck not only the disrupters hair but mine as well 😠.There are times when I get so upset ,I feel tears welling up in my throat because I can’t control my reaction to certain things so my emotions become overwhelming. It gets harder because everyone else is not sensitive to your emotional instability and therefore they don’t treat you with any sensitivity or caution. I am not insinuating that I am any special to be treated differently, sometimes it’s nobody’s fault really how I will react. I guess my uncertainty of how people will handle me or respond to our interaction is what restricts me from engaging with people and therefore I feel safer in the comfort of my house and bed. There nobody can really hurt me. I am safe wrapped in bundles of my sheets where no snarky comments will well up tears in my eyes.I just realized that I could go on and on about what anxiety does to me and how it affects me. Currently I feel a bit more in control of my emotions than I was a while ago.I remember I once quoted that dealing with anxiety is like drowning but not dying therefore the pain is all you keep feeling but have no way to stop it. I still feel anxious now because of the uncertainty that this small shimmer of hope that I am in right now will soon turn dark and eventually dim and fizzle. I am anxious about not having anxiety and feeling like it will probably be a prank by life and when I will just be about to stand on my own, it will come like a kick to the shin. I hope that’s not the case though because I do want to get over all of this. I guess I will just have to stay hopeful and take the risk despite how scary it feels. ✌

What I have become 😳

Well, I just recently realized (half a minute ago) that all I ever dwell on when it comes to me wanting to write is what I have been going through lately. Anxiety & depression and all the sappiness that comes with my sad stories. Probably it’s not interesting for those who take time to read but as I much as I wish I had something better to blog about,anxiety is my reality. For now at least.

It’s been better for me lately. Previously not so long ago,my life felt a lot like drowning on the inside was the order of the day for me. Falling in and out of depression &anxiety was slowly and sadly becoming a norm for. I don’t want to really delve on the reasons why it’s been easier for me now because for one I am not sure whether it’s gonna last or it’s just be for a while. It’s scary when I really think about the consequences of the little glimmer of hope I am holding on to that’s preventing me from falling off the rails again. I feel like I might just be putting a little bit too much pressure on my current source of peace, happiness, tranquility & mental stability in thinking that it will last with me forever. It might just slip off my fingers. All in all ,this is a sign enough for me to know am not completely getting over anxiety because anxiety for me stems from fear. I feed so deep into my fears of the unknown that they bring out false realities and camouflage themselves as possible outcomes.

This is what I have become. I seat on the edge of my emotions simple waiting for whatever bubble buster that’s going to pop the small reason of sanity I have been holding on to. I may not necessarily be dealing with the anxiety in the same intensity I was previously but I can’t help but admit it still lurks in the shadows of my mind. On a daily I learn something new about anxiety that I probably portrayed but was oblivious to.Its all sometimes overwhelming thinking about it. I could spend all my time racking my brain on what anxiety is doing to me and come up with all possible reasons why I will never seem to get rid of it. It’s no longer just about letting the world know that this actually happens to people but it’s about letting people know sometimes I just don’t know anymore. For instance now I have in some form alienated myself from my friends and even those closest to me have not an absolute clue of probably why I am not talking to them. I too don’t know why I am not talking to them cause probably I feel like even when it’s comes to the general stuff, they won’t understand me so I find no need to converse with them. But then again, I do want them to be there for me, understanding or not. That entire controversy of not really knowing what it is I want is what I have become.

There is also a good side to the multiple perks of what I have become. I have found new sources of happiness that even for those small moments I am able to do them, I am distracted in a good way. I am able to engage myself in acts that bring me joy. Knitting is for one. It first came as a thought to me when I was dealing with baby fever and I thought why not start knitting baby clothes for my soon to be little one.I didn’t have a clue on where to start but YouTube came in handy and so when I started dealing with depression, I chose to engross myself fully in it. Then again, I have been very interested in cooking more. I wasn’t the greatest fan of it before but now I keep looking up recipes on Pinterest that are cheap and easy to cook. So I still have something despite how little it is to be grateful for. My hope is that I can delve more on the more positive perks than on the negative and become better at them. ✌

Chronicles of my Emotions.. chapter two

So I am beginning to counter check everything in my head from my thoughts, to how I write and whether it’s good enough or catchy enough for those who read, that’s if anyone reads anymore because I no longer think they do which in all honesty makes me sad. My emotions are centered on how I wish I could be this perfect writer and how I want to be more expressive through my post and let the world know in depth how much it is I am going through dealing with depression and anxiety. I don’t know if it’s normal to want that from others because it feels a lot like I am becoming needy of something I am not obligated to get. I feel quite the need to have their empathy, understanding and support that I am not in this case receiving from anyone other than my therapist. My need to have assurance that I’m not alone and despite them not fully grasping what it is I am going through, they at least will be caring enough to wanna stick around and ‘hold my hand ‘ through it you know… Guess I am looking for the right people in the wrong crowd.

Or maybe it’s just my codependency issues kicking in that’s giving me all this neediness.(This is exactly what I mean when I say have to counter check all my possible options of everything I do).Maybe I am not just be looking for that understanding friend, I am looking for a clutch, an anchor to grasp when I am falling off the rails that is currently my emotional state of mind. Is it such a bad thing that the latter might actually just be what it is I am looking for and that’s whats making me so damn needy for attention . Attention is exactly what it is in bold and clear words. Attention, sympathy, care, concern, affection, worry, name it in whatever words you would like. That’s exactly what it is I feel the need to have from those around me at that moment.

I just read a fellow writer’s posts on Word press and her writings are about mental health and her experiences of how they affect her on a daily basis. Her writing is on another level to be truly honest. She has a precision and bold truthfulness that is just mesmerizing to read in her post. Her expression of what she goes through is literally so raw and honest in such a beautiful way, it just oozes jealousy from me, the good kind. The kind that makes me wish I could write like that and be so raw in an epic way like that.She is on the current my favourite writer on Word Press @Seedsinthewasteland.

I am truly learning a lot from her post. It’s making me conscious of all the other possible things that I assume are habits of normal nature but may be as a result of my anxiety and depression.Like fiddling with my hands, pulling off any trace of dead skin on the ridges of my fingers..yadda yadda yadda.. If so, I don’t know whether to be more worried about the fact that I may have more than just emotional consequences to my anxiety but now I also gotta deal with unconscious physical consequences. Well, who knows. I want to solve all my problems at one go but I guess that’s where I keep failing.

Now I feel relieved for writing that post and it’s lunch time for me. Lunch time is like a compulsory dose of medicine I can’t skip.(..okay I just made that up). I hope for today I don’t have another rollercoaster of emotions that will lead me to make another post because I already feel like a pile of shit with what I am dealing with so if you (depression) really need to sulk me further today, do it to cater enough for tomorrow so I won’t have to keep splitting my post to ease you off of me all the damn time,there is only so much of you that I can take. ✌