Free thoughts on Mental Health.

If I am being genuinely honest, I don’t know where my train of thought will lead me while writing this. Today being the tenth of October signifies something quite salient to me. In obvious nature, I should have too many words on it, instead, I don’t feel like I have quite enough words; or even the right words to begin with. Today is World Mental Health Day. Mental health is the subject I am not quite sure I have enough words to scribble about.

Every day, I happen to come across one thing or another that is in direct relation to matters on mental health. That’s how important it is. I can’t deny that it is being spoken of more often than it was in the past, but I believe there is still quite a lot on it that isn’t said enough. I am well aware, that the progress of it can’t all happen at one go. I am well aware that my words and two cents about it here won’t create some sort of epiphany on mental health that’s not already been put out there. It is for those exact reasons that I had considered not mentioning anything at all in regard to today’s importance. But I also know that not regarding it or ignoring it doesn’t make much progress either. Better the little progress, than no progress at all. Time and time again, I have come across different stories on people’s different experiences with their mental health and for sure, I have read some of them and just as much, brushed others off. It is basically what will genuinely happen to all the stories I myself have put out, in the same spirit. Despite all of us being aware that our stories won’t move mountains or souls, we still go ahead and tell them. Maybe it could be because most of us are a sad lot of human beings or, most of us truthfully hope to connect with others whose stories are similar but haven’t quite gotten out yet. Our reasons may vary entirely, but the sole importance of it all at least for me would be the fact that issues on mental health are viewed to be less alien-like to one less person.

As I was skimming through ideas on what I would write about, a question popped up in my head on whether I ever would have been remotely interested in matters of mental health had I never experienced any form of mental turmoil in my life. I can’t truly say I came up with a substantial answer to my question if I am being truthfully honest. It posed the challenge of me having to try envisioning myself in a life that I can’t say I have ever lived. Consciously or not, my mental health has always been at the forefront of my thoughts, my actions, my mannerisms and my outward being. I was too aware of it as a child and I am more aware of it today, as some version of an adult. I recall being too much in my own mind. I can’t speak much for other kids, but I do recall having too many conversations in my own head than I did out of it. My opinions were safer projected out in my mind than they ever could have been being said out loud. I think a lot of that still is very much how I live today, stuck in my thoughts. I knew it wasn’t entirely how most kids were because most kids were quite uninhibited to their opinions. I must have felt like such a weirdo being all silent and enclosed in my head whereas every other child couldn’t wait for their turn to speak up. I guess as I grew up, it wasn’t too hard to pick out who was different between me and those kids around me. Reserved is what I eventually got to regard myself as. Different but reserved.

I am sure that enough of you who may read this, have had the term triggers be thrown around a lot on subjects of mental health. Besides the term’s general meaning, I didn’t see what the big fuss over the word trigger was. My naivety was at its peak. Triggers in mental health are very important. They serve as a guide in regard to identifying what exactly ‘’ticks one off’’. I understood the real impact of a trigger not too long ago. Thought I was strong enough to brush it off, but my mind knew otherwise. It’s easy to think that one is invincible to a degree, but that’s the thing about dealing with issues on mental health, as long as it is a part of your being, anyone is liable for having a mental health trigger. Don’t rule yourself out.

To end this weird post here, I just want to leave it at this. Your mental health matters, regardless of whether every day for you feels like rainbows and unicorns. It mattered from the start, even when you might never have been conscious of it. I hope that through these few jumbled words, it starts to matter. As cliche as this has been made to sound on countless occasions, nurture your mind as you would nurture your body, soul and spirit. Try not to wait on those triggers because as much as they are put out there, they are not always as easily detectable. If you could find a means on avoiding the darker sides of mental health, do so. It will save a lot of you, might even save your life. If you have already been down the road of difficulty in mental health, I just need you to know that you are absolutely amazing, whether you are still struggling or are out of the struggle. Don’t falter at trying to be happy, it is all that’s worth your life. Hope you have a good World Mental Health Day.

Walls so high and my post depression ♠️

It’s seems like it was so long ago since I used this as the only platform to express how bad my depression was seven months ago. Quite a dark time that was and I am grateful that I came out of it unharmed and stronger. Trust me when I say, I was a hundred % sure I wouldn’t find my way out of that darkness that I had completely wrapped myself around and tightly held on to like a second skin. I was no longer scared of the pain I was feeling, instead I had embraced it and it became a part of me. I can’t tell honestly how I was able to pick myself up from that dark funk but I know a big part of it was me going for my therapy sessions that then felt like they were weighing me down more than lifting me up. I have a lot to be thankful for my therapist, she is amazing and is secretly my best friend though I don’t think she knows that quite yet 💁….

My life post my depression has been okay. I have been slowly picking pieces of myself and trying to put together the right spots to fill up the darkness that had resided there previously. Can’t say its easy because I’m trying not to fall back to the unfortunate comfort of sadness that comes with depression. I try always keeping my emotions in check and not allowing them to take a toll on me as much. I still see my therapist, probably will for the rest of my life because I choose to. At the moment I gotta admit am very reliant on her for when things get a bit overwhelming for me…like recently, I’m struggling with a bit of my past but I’m not about to make this update more depressing by bringing it up .Just a quick last word on it, if you feel like your emotions and thoughts are overtaking the person that you believe you are and they are playing a negative role on you, please seek help. Mental health is as a essential as physical health. If your feel like your not in a right space with your emotions and thoughts, please please seek help.

I love this space about my blog because it allows me to be honest with both the good, the bad, the sexy and the nasty. I believe I’m one contrasting human being. I am legitimately scared of being lonely and being alone .Am also very comfortable with pushing people away. See what I mean when I say I’m quite the contradictory human species. I don’t know if it’s quite supposed to be like that or that I am just wired that way. My fear of being on my own became prominent after my mum passed away. Then is when I couldn’t stand being on my own because I sure as hell wasn’t used to it when my mum was always around. I went to highschool and not only now was I feeling alone but I learned what loneliness feels like. They became such constant feelings of mine I hated every second of it. Lonely because nobody gave a shit enough to know that my life felt like the greatest misery in existence. Alone because I was just not good enough for people. So there began one of my greatest fears. And now que pushing people away… I build walls so high up that castle walls seem like nothing. My therapist countlessly reminds me of that. That I don’t allow people to get too close and therefore the walls I’ve built keep people just close but not close enough to go beyond my walls.

I carry a scar that will never heal and even if it does, it will always once so often gush open itself. I don’t know know how long it will ever take me to let myself go or be happy without looking over my shoulder for the next great pain waiting to knock me off my feet. I keep hearing people say happiness is a choice and I don’t honestly think so. I believe it’s an attitude instead. I don’t know how to get it or what in my life will deem worthy for me to regard as my sources of happiness. I don’t always want to be alone. I don’t always wish to push people away just cause I’m a scared little girl on the inside trying to protect her weak self.I wish I could say I love it but I don’t. I wish I could say I wasn’t socially anxious but I can’t because I am. I wish things could be different, but there ain’t. Learning myself is quite a process and I don’t know how long it’s gonna be before I learn that I need to stop trying at all to be alone. ✌😔