Have y’all heard sandcastles by Beyonce… My God isn’t that song beautiful. It honestly is my current all time favourite. Beyonce being the QUEEN she is, is my ultimate favorite artist in the world. That’s the one cliché aspect of myself I don’t feel allergic to. She means a whole lot to me and explaining the impact of her importance to my life would honestly be an unfortunate waste of time…cause I barely understand it myself on most days…but that wasn’t where my line of thought was or is at this precise moment, no. It just so happened that I was listening to her song sandcastles and I came to the realization that I’ve not been in love with anyone for close to over five years.. It’s safe to say I’m still relatively young to be alarmed over the fact that I’ve not had my heart fall majorly head over heels over someone. Listening to the song sorta put me into the mindset of whether the love expressed in the song, through the lyrics could ever be existent in the ever constantly chaotic pattern I call life.
Not that it worries me if I’ll ever fall in love. I in my own twisted sense sorta still have hope of meeting someone who I’ll actually fully believe when they say they will stick around long enough to be by my side even despite my insistent need to push people away. This being said, I have felt what I’d call a resemblance of falling in love but I was highly naive then & probably sorta still are. I don’t think the naivety ever really leaves when one cares that deeply for anyone. That’s why I truly do believe love makes one extremely stupid rather than weak. But again, what do I know…
In the midst of the current chaos going on in my life, I’ve had to purposely chose to keep off from feeling anything remotely love related to anyone of the opposite sex. I honestly don’t think anyone should have to have my mental instabilities as anything burden like on their shoulders. A friend of mine suggested that I should have fucked the depression out of me by now but I was certain that wouldn’t have technically worked… Haha. Not that I have anything against the idea.
To be truly honest, when it comes to my mental battles, I have never really believed that a problem shared is a problem half solved.. This being the case in terms of bringing in a significant other (s/o) to my life. It’s tough enough that explaining the ‘workings’ or ‘non-workings’ of my mind to anyone who’s never experienced a similar battle is borderline impossible. Bringing anyone to an understanding that I’m not always ‘normal ‘ is probably the hardest thing I’ve had to experience through out my journey with mental health. This inclusive of family & friends. Therefore, I see no need to antagonize myself by allowing myself to be emotionally vulnerable enough to bring in a s/o into my already complicated life. I don’t doubt that some of those who care enough would wanna stick around but for how long would they need to survive my turmoil before it gets the better of them… It’s not easy being on the other side, being the one having to show strength for a loved one who is in constant battles with their mind.
So for now, I think I’ve settled myself with the fact that love might not necessarily be in the picture for me in terms of having someone to share my burdens with. I just don’t have the capability to handle something as crucial as a relationship. At least not until I have a remote sense of stability that is constant & not wavering every so often. It sucks since I can’t help but wonder how it’d feel to have someone by my side. I do wish I was selfish enough to want to have the kind of love that expresses itself through thick & thin but I don’t trust myself not to hurt whoever it is who’s willing to take such a big risk as to date me. Maybe in another time in my life when I’ll have a better hold of my battles but as for now, I’m content with it being just me and my battles.