Walls so high and my post depression ♠️

It’s seems like it was so long ago since I used this as the only platform to express how bad my depression was seven months ago. Quite a dark time that was and I am grateful that I came out of it unharmed and stronger. Trust me when I say, I was a hundred % sure I wouldn’t find my way out of that darkness that I had completely wrapped myself around and tightly held on to like a second skin. I was no longer scared of the pain I was feeling, instead I had embraced it and it became a part of me. I can’t tell honestly how I was able to pick myself up from that dark funk but I know a big part of it was me going for my therapy sessions that then felt like they were weighing me down more than lifting me up. I have a lot to be thankful for my therapist, she is amazing and is secretly my best friend though I don’t think she knows that quite yet 💁….

My life post my depression has been okay. I have been slowly picking pieces of myself and trying to put together the right spots to fill up the darkness that had resided there previously. Can’t say its easy because I’m trying not to fall back to the unfortunate comfort of sadness that comes with depression. I try always keeping my emotions in check and not allowing them to take a toll on me as much. I still see my therapist, probably will for the rest of my life because I choose to. At the moment I gotta admit am very reliant on her for when things get a bit overwhelming for me…like recently, I’m struggling with a bit of my past but I’m not about to make this update more depressing by bringing it up .Just a quick last word on it, if you feel like your emotions and thoughts are overtaking the person that you believe you are and they are playing a negative role on you, please seek help. Mental health is as a essential as physical health. If your feel like your not in a right space with your emotions and thoughts, please please seek help.

I love this space about my blog because it allows me to be honest with both the good, the bad, the sexy and the nasty. I believe I’m one contrasting human being. I am legitimately scared of being lonely and being alone .Am also very comfortable with pushing people away. See what I mean when I say I’m quite the contradictory human species. I don’t know if it’s quite supposed to be like that or that I am just wired that way. My fear of being on my own became prominent after my mum passed away. Then is when I couldn’t stand being on my own because I sure as hell wasn’t used to it when my mum was always around. I went to highschool and not only now was I feeling alone but I learned what loneliness feels like. They became such constant feelings of mine I hated every second of it. Lonely because nobody gave a shit enough to know that my life felt like the greatest misery in existence. Alone because I was just not good enough for people. So there began one of my greatest fears. And now que pushing people away… I build walls so high up that castle walls seem like nothing. My therapist countlessly reminds me of that. That I don’t allow people to get too close and therefore the walls I’ve built keep people just close but not close enough to go beyond my walls.

I carry a scar that will never heal and even if it does, it will always once so often gush open itself. I don’t know know how long it will ever take me to let myself go or be happy without looking over my shoulder for the next great pain waiting to knock me off my feet. I keep hearing people say happiness is a choice and I don’t honestly think so. I believe it’s an attitude instead. I don’t know how to get it or what in my life will deem worthy for me to regard as my sources of happiness. I don’t always want to be alone. I don’t always wish to push people away just cause I’m a scared little girl on the inside trying to protect her weak self.I wish I could say I love it but I don’t. I wish I could say I wasn’t socially anxious but I can’t because I am. I wish things could be different, but there ain’t. Learning myself is quite a process and I don’t know how long it’s gonna be before I learn that I need to stop trying at all to be alone. ✌😔