Scared

This will probably be short because I don’t have as much to write about, I just have the urge I get whenever I feel the need to write. I also honestly don’t know what exactly I want to write about but I will pick from my mind what I can. Crazy how I sound like I have a protocol or systematic form of my writing. Like if I don’t meet those ‘protocols’ I have in my head, I’ll let whoever reads this down when all in all, this is my platform to express myself in whichever way without feeling obligated to anyone. Guess it will take some time to not be a do-gooder always and giving in to my need to please others other than myself.

Anyway, I am trying to gauge my feelings right now. I at some point can feel my fear and am not necessarily sure why it’s there or probably it’s just always there. Oh! I know one reason I am scared. School is over for me for a long while and that means a couple things. For one it means I no longer have a distraction for my mind and I have a lot of time on my hands : that’s not a good thing, for me it isn’t. It will mean me being idle for a while and that will allow my minds to drift to emotional and mental loneliness and eventually I will be back to struggling with myself. Second reason I believe I am scared is because my current source of happiness and tranquility which I hadn’t felt for such a while won’t be around me for close to five months and I don’t know if I’m ready to stand on my own and not have them with me. I am terribly emotionally dependant on him and he makes me happy. I am extremely scared that I won’t be strong enough without him around me. I have gladly pushed away a lot of other people and friends in my life. I am not sure I have friends at the moment and I don’t mind. I needed to be away from them, I needed to quit expecting from them as much as I was. To be quite honest, I didn’t get good energy from them, all I received was neglect when I needed them and I am okay with that. I am okay with not having them as burden on my shoulders and conscious anymore .

Third and I guess the most prominent reason for my fear is having me feel scared of my depression and anxiety taking over like it has not so long ago. I fear that I will go back to the days when leaving my bed was a struggle and all I wanted to do was sink further in and wallow in my mental pain and anguish. Relish in it to be precise because that’s how it gets for me. But I took a step and I am going to still go to therapy and it’s my hope that I won’t have to live with fear on top of my head. I won’t have to feel lonely and saddness when my anchor leaves because I will be learning how to anchor myself. I will learn to be strong and carefree.✌

P.S I am married with a donut ring that’s half bitten by my man.😄😆

Chronicles of my Emotions… Chapter four…..I just need to rest.

I am sure you probably forgot about the chronicles or maybe you haven’t read about it which is fine too. I for sure had somewhat forgotten .Well today was a fruitful ,tense and informative part of the day you know since the day ain’t over yet. Fruitful because I learned that when I thought my problems were already layed out there, I found out I got a whole bunch of other stuff stucked up in the closet that’s my childhood. Tense because I was not mentally and emotionally ready to have all that laid on my shoulders but I took it like ‘a man’.I guess we can’t always escape our past. Informative because I appreciate that I am no longer in the dark about myself when it comes to some aspects that affect me in my life.

Two days later….

It’s one of those days. Those days when all I can concentrate on is the constant ache in my chest that won’t seem to go away and becomes more prominent when I am alone. It’s like it can sense I am not distracted and am void at that moment and there it swallows any glimmer of happiness, joy,peace ,tranquility I was holding on to. I started writing this two days ago but stopped in the middle because I couldn’t go on. My chest or my heart felt too heavy and my body, soul and mind were at a complete burn out. It’s become a norm for me to be exhausted. It’s become a norm for me to sink deeper into this pain and agony that’s not visible to both sight and touch. All it does ,is make me tired, sad, unhappy, pained and just utterly drained. I no longer feel like all the good things in life are farfetched but I feel like they are now non existent for me. I want to give up. God it feels like its the best option right now. As long as I can quit feeling this void inside that’s streaming in on a constant ,giving up feels like my only option at the moment.

Sadly I am back to having dark thoughts. I don’t even have the energy to feel bad about having them thoughts anymore because before I wasn’t worn out like I am now. Before I had motivation to push a little farther until I got better. Now I don’t see that light at the end of the tunnel anymore.Now I don’t feel like its worth fighting, not when it seems like my life is one bad twist after the other. When I think I am making progress, I fall back down like I never stood up in the first place. Everything is going slowly and I wish my will to push myself further was present even if it’s just for a while. Now all I want to do is make it stop. Close my eyes and just let it stop. I honestly never thought depression could eat me up this hard, I thought that maybe all my life yeah I would have my low moments but I didn’t picture it to be hitting far than just rock bottom. I just need it to stop. Please let it stop. Let me stop it, for my sake. Don’t hurt when it stops for I will be at peace then. I won’t hurt anymore ,I just need to rest it and stop for a while. ✌

Help Me

I thought I understood why people harm themselves before but I guess I was wrong. I want to hurt myself to take this ache away, to distract me from myself and the throbbing in my chest. I don’t want to hurt myself but I can’t seem to keep the thought out of my mind.. I am no longer happy with myself and I feel broken. I want someone to help me before I loose myself.

To say I don’t know if I am capable of being helped is an understatement. I am disappointed in myself for wanting to hurt myself and having the thought in the first place. It’s been six years since I cried as hard as I did yesterday and I still feel the need to. I don’t want to hurt myself just as much as I don’t want to hurt those who love me… I keep wringing my hands because of the anxiety I feel. I don’t want to look at knives because I am scared I might just do something stupid. I feel like I no longer have control of my own mind and it’s scary for me .I am so so afraid of even being alone. I thought I was okay and now I feel like I just want to keep crying.

Peace feels so farfetched right now. It’s hard. It’s hard to carry all my emotions right now. I want, no I need help. I need to get better.