Tag Archives: #tattoos

Inadequacies ….My new middle name…

So yesterday I did something very bold. I term it as bold because of how unconventional it was & risky since it would have turned out very invasive to some. I’m actively on Instagram & I was going through my followers instagram stories & I came across a picture of a girl’s arm that had marks on it. She actually wasn’t taking the picture of her arm, it just so happened her arm made a cameo and I just happened to see it. I wouldn’t say I was being observant, it was like a glance that led me to contemplating whether confirming my suspicions of what the marks were was a smart thing to do… Let’s just, my conscience didn’t fail me. That was last night and I was sure to include in my dm to her that she was at all under no obligation to answer back to me. I know I would be a bit skeptical opening up about anything remotely mental related to a stranger. Today morning when I woke up, it had completely eluded my mind that I’d sent her a message, that’s until I saw my message icon ping that I had an unread message. She was honest enough to acknowledge that what I’d seen was indeed self harm marks. Getting to the point of this story, (not really sure there’s one) , it was uncomfortable seeing them on someone else other than myself, but I twistedly felt connected to her by her self inflicted marks on her hand. I felt the bond of having another understand that one is capable of being a mess enough to hurt themselves. It was relieving but sad. I quit feeling sorry for myself after the first time I cut , I no longer chose to see it as a fault but as a survival coping mechanism. It’s just different because I relish in the feel of a cold blade to get some damn needed peace of mind.

Not too long ago I had a friend of mine frown upon the fact that I recently got a new tattoo. He’s exact question was ‘You enjoying hurting yourself with this tattoos?‘ He didn’t realize how close to home he hit by asking me that… In my own twisted way, I love the feeling of the needle skim through my skin, it’s just that this time, I’m left with a beautiful artistic reminder of things that mean more to me than others. They are the murals to those I love and to the times in my life I can never seem to erase from my mind. They are my stories, I just receive the both ends of the stick when I get them, the pain that comes with getting them, and the artistic beauty created.

It amazes me how I can never seem to let go of my mental struggles even when I’m not in the gutter . I can’t cut loose the strong hold at which I hold them close to me & how much relevance I constantly give them. I’ve written before that I felt special being ill, I felt like I belonged being depressed & fucked up generally. It gave me a sense of purpose. I was constantly sad & I got to write the best of my blogs while in that funk. Call it fear of the unknown, which in this case is anything that’s remotely good and happy… that damn H word I never seem to like very much. I just can’t grasp myself not unhappy & miserable. No need to pity me, I don’t pity me either. The most surprising thing is, despite not wanting good change, I feel inadequate for depression. I feel like I sometimes lack the magnitude needed to be special enough to be depressed. Like I can’t just catch a break with the inadequacies in my life ; I’m just not cut out for happiness or depression . Really beats the point of why I got my damn enough tattoo in the first place. I need to find a bearing of where I belong, in the darkness or the overly bright light .

Tonight I wasn’t really writing as a means to vent, I guess I just needed to release myself a little. I had a relatively good day, went out to a lovely ice cream parlor in town that touched my old soul. It’s entire vibe and setting was the eighties and it’s ice cream was as legit as legit can be. I honestly didn’t wanna leave because for those few minutes I was there ,the world around me seemed right and peaceful… content even. I wanted to stick there and live on ice cream for as long as my mind chooses it’s ready to go back to our sad reality… Sno – Cream parlor was my heaven in hell…

My little wins 😄😄

I never thought I would say this or maybe I did, I just didn’t realize that I would say it this soon… I finally now understand what it means to choose being happy. This past month has been amazing for me. It’s been peaceful, quiet and most especially content for me. I have done and pursued things that made me feel good. It feels so foreign to me to be in the head space that I am right now but I couldn’t be more grateful to be feeling happy and without much worry. Your probably thinking that I have gone above and beyond in adventures and escapades but actually that’s not the case. In just the span of three weeks, I’ve gotten to do the little things that just thrill and bring happiness to a person. For starters, I got to buy my very first bag pack and sling bag. Nothing too exciting there really but for me, it was amazing. I don’t have very many things I can say I have invested everything for but for those bags, I was a giddy little girl when I bought them for myself. Apart from that, I literally have just been experiencing and learning so much about myself and the growth I can feel manifesting itself mentally and emotionally in me is just beautiful. I have grown to have new interest in things I previously never really bothered about .I have been choosing to not be the closed off, shy girl I’m used to being. I’m doing things that are simple but so fun and it’s been an amazing experience for me.I gotta be honest though, I’m so scared that it’s just gonna be for a period of time and I won’t feel as free and happy as I am now. That maybe, if I think about it too long ,I might just jinx myself . Even as I write this, I’m not exactly certain why just life going on for me as it is as of the past couple weeks has given me such tranquility. I wanna scroll through my mind and really search for that big thing that’s happened but I just can’t seem to place my finger on it.. Do you know why , it’s cause it’s not there. Nothing so big or so dramatic has happened to me, it’s been the little victories that are having me feeling like this. A week ago, I got to share a beautiful experience with my sister who is completely my ride or die any day.We got to visit the National Park which for me wasn’t my first time but it was for her. Its always a new better experience for me every time I go there but this time it was a whole lot better because seeing her excitement was just incredible. The sweetest memories are those shared with the people you love. We got to hear a lion roar and it was incredible and just downright majestic.I also got to do something for myself and go commemorate this beautiful phase of growth that I am in because it honestly means the world to me. It was spontaneous as it is beautiful .This are what I mean to be my small wins.I can’t wait to go on and experience more happiness. I’m truly hoping to continue being in the head space I’m at right now and not worry about everything else. I have so many more things to experience and so many more sweet memories to make. I’m totally crossing my fingers that I don’t jinx this cause I can now honestly say, I am happy. It’s the little wins in life that shine brighter in your heart than to the world.