I never thought I would say this or maybe I did, I just didn’t realize that I would say it this soon… I finally now understand what it means to choose being happy. This past month has been amazing for me. It’s been peaceful, quiet and most especially content for me. I have done and pursued things that made me feel good. It feels so foreign to me to be in the head space that I am right now but I couldn’t be more grateful to be feeling happy and without much worry. Your probably thinking that I have gone above and beyond in adventures and escapades but actually that’s not the case. In just the span of three weeks, I’ve gotten to do the little things that just thrill and bring happiness to a person. For starters, I got to buy my very first bag pack and sling bag. Nothing too exciting there really but for me, it was amazing. I don’t have very many things I can say I have invested everything for but for those bags, I was a giddy little girl when I bought them for myself. Apart from that, I literally have just been experiencing and learning so much about myself and the growth I can feel manifesting itself mentally and emotionally in me is just beautiful. I have grown to have new interest in things I previously never really bothered about .I have been choosing to not be the closed off, shy girl I’m used to being. I’m doing things that are simple but so fun and it’s been an amazing experience for me.I gotta be honest though, I’m so scared that it’s just gonna be for a period of time and I won’t feel as free and happy as I am now. That maybe, if I think about it too long ,I might just jinx myself . Even as I write this, I’m not exactly certain why just life going on for me as it is as of the past couple weeks has given me such tranquility. I wanna scroll through my mind and really search for that big thing that’s happened but I just can’t seem to place my finger on it.. Do you know why , it’s cause it’s not there. Nothing so big or so dramatic has happened to me, it’s been the little victories that are having me feeling like this. A week ago, I got to share a beautiful experience with my sister who is completely my ride or die any day.We got to visit the National Park which for me wasn’t my first time but it was for her. Its always a new better experience for me every time I go there but this time it was a whole lot better because seeing her excitement was just incredible. The sweetest memories are those shared with the people you love. We got to hear a lion roar and it was incredible and just downright majestic.I also got to do something for myself and go commemorate this beautiful phase of growth that I am in because it honestly means the world to me. It was spontaneous as it is beautiful .This are what I mean to be my small wins.I can’t wait to go on and experience more happiness. I’m truly hoping to continue being in the head space I’m at right now and not worry about everything else. I have so many more things to experience and so many more sweet memories to make. I’m totally crossing my fingers that I don’t jinx this cause I can now honestly say, I am happy. It’s the little wins in life that shine brighter in your heart than to the world.
I’m different. Am sure we all consider ourselves so not because just because we want to feel special but because we are actually different. Being different for me is a lifestyle. I have to constantly try to maintain it and blend in even despite how different I am. I am different because I don’t conform to what people regard as normal. Am I happy to be this different, I don’t know .Does a part of me thrive in it, definitely so …..I wouldn’t be writing this if I didn’t.I don’t believe ultimate peace is something I have possibly ever felt. A part of me is always damned to feel turmoil and anxiety over one thing or another. I do wish though I had one ability. Something I recently pondered my mind over and now looks quite appealing to my me. Ever thought of how peaceful it is under water. How calm and silent it is and just how peaceful it can get. I wish I could breathe underwater and just sit still enough to shut out everything and anything. I’m certain enough that some of you that will read through this will probably think that I’m back to my depressive past and am not gonna justify whether it’s true or not… Think whatever appeals to you.Silence is peaceful and so is death. I wouldn’t want to die through water. I feel like its probably the worst way to die because you can’t fight it, you feel the life drain out with each breath of water as it fills your lungs. In water, I would hope to find contentment. I would hope to let my anxiety over everything go, to be still and not worry about. To completely rid myself of meager feelings and emotions that are more of burdens than a boost of my humanity. To put aside memories that do more damage than good. I wish breathing underwater would do that for me. That would be my ultimate peace.Being melancholic is hard. I feel everything thats meant to be dark. I revel in it even when it’s toxic. Walls so high up, they feel unpenetratable(not sure that’s a word.)I over think, I feel too much and I sure as hell damn care too much. Water would drown out all that for me. That’s why if I had one super power, it would be to breathe underwater 🌊.