Free thoughts on Mental Health.

If I am being genuinely honest, I don’t know where my train of thought will lead me while writing this. Today being the tenth of October signifies something quite salient to me. In obvious nature, I should have too many words on it, instead, I don’t feel like I have quite enough words; or even the right words to begin with. Today is World Mental Health Day. Mental health is the subject I am not quite sure I have enough words to scribble about.

Every day, I happen to come across one thing or another that is in direct relation to matters on mental health. That’s how important it is. I can’t deny that it is being spoken of more often than it was in the past, but I believe there is still quite a lot on it that isn’t said enough. I am well aware, that the progress of it can’t all happen at one go. I am well aware that my words and two cents about it here won’t create some sort of epiphany on mental health that’s not already been put out there. It is for those exact reasons that I had considered not mentioning anything at all in regard to today’s importance. But I also know that not regarding it or ignoring it doesn’t make much progress either. Better the little progress, than no progress at all. Time and time again, I have come across different stories on people’s different experiences with their mental health and for sure, I have read some of them and just as much, brushed others off. It is basically what will genuinely happen to all the stories I myself have put out, in the same spirit. Despite all of us being aware that our stories won’t move mountains or souls, we still go ahead and tell them. Maybe it could be because most of us are a sad lot of human beings or, most of us truthfully hope to connect with others whose stories are similar but haven’t quite gotten out yet. Our reasons may vary entirely, but the sole importance of it all at least for me would be the fact that issues on mental health are viewed to be less alien-like to one less person.

As I was skimming through ideas on what I would write about, a question popped up in my head on whether I ever would have been remotely interested in matters of mental health had I never experienced any form of mental turmoil in my life. I can’t truly say I came up with a substantial answer to my question if I am being truthfully honest. It posed the challenge of me having to try envisioning myself in a life that I can’t say I have ever lived. Consciously or not, my mental health has always been at the forefront of my thoughts, my actions, my mannerisms and my outward being. I was too aware of it as a child and I am more aware of it today, as some version of an adult. I recall being too much in my own mind. I can’t speak much for other kids, but I do recall having too many conversations in my own head than I did out of it. My opinions were safer projected out in my mind than they ever could have been being said out loud. I think a lot of that still is very much how I live today, stuck in my thoughts. I knew it wasn’t entirely how most kids were because most kids were quite uninhibited to their opinions. I must have felt like such a weirdo being all silent and enclosed in my head whereas every other child couldn’t wait for their turn to speak up. I guess as I grew up, it wasn’t too hard to pick out who was different between me and those kids around me. Reserved is what I eventually got to regard myself as. Different but reserved.

I am sure that enough of you who may read this, have had the term triggers be thrown around a lot on subjects of mental health. Besides the term’s general meaning, I didn’t see what the big fuss over the word trigger was. My naivety was at its peak. Triggers in mental health are very important. They serve as a guide in regard to identifying what exactly ‘’ticks one off’’. I understood the real impact of a trigger not too long ago. Thought I was strong enough to brush it off, but my mind knew otherwise. It’s easy to think that one is invincible to a degree, but that’s the thing about dealing with issues on mental health, as long as it is a part of your being, anyone is liable for having a mental health trigger. Don’t rule yourself out.

To end this weird post here, I just want to leave it at this. Your mental health matters, regardless of whether every day for you feels like rainbows and unicorns. It mattered from the start, even when you might never have been conscious of it. I hope that through these few jumbled words, it starts to matter. As cliche as this has been made to sound on countless occasions, nurture your mind as you would nurture your body, soul and spirit. Try not to wait on those triggers because as much as they are put out there, they are not always as easily detectable. If you could find a means on avoiding the darker sides of mental health, do so. It will save a lot of you, might even save your life. If you have already been down the road of difficulty in mental health, I just need you to know that you are absolutely amazing, whether you are still struggling or are out of the struggle. Don’t falter at trying to be happy, it is all that’s worth your life. Hope you have a good World Mental Health Day.

#World Mental Health Day…

Today’s World Mental Health Day. I celebrate everyone who has ever struggled with any form or type of mental health issues. We are bombass people because no words can express how strong we are. I use we because I have struggled with mental health and it’s no secret for those who take time to read my blog post. I have probably never been as open with my struggles as I am here and I am proud of the progress I have made. So yeah, I just wanted to put it out there for everyone to know that for all out there who have experienced mental struggles are the strongest people because they don’t fight with something that’s external, it’s all inside.I haven’t written in a while. Not exactly sure why when I can actually say I have had quite the blog worthy experiences ,especially last week. I ain’t sure if it’s because they were actually non depressive experiences and that’s why I didn’t write about them or maybe I just didn’t see the need to write about them. Whatever the answer is, I will let you in on it anyway. So last Monday ,I had my very first cinema experience. Like it was my first time to go watch a movie in a cinema hall. It was okay and I enjoyed it. I got to watch a well awaited horror movie ‘The Nun’..it was definitely worth my while. Then on the next day, my sister and I finally visited the Giraffe Center. I say finally because we kept putting off that visit for a quite a while now and it took me going to the cinema on the previous day to motivate my sister to finally go and we had the best time. Giraffes are such poise ,gentle and beautiful animals. I enjoyed every bit of time I spent feeding them and taking pictures & seeing my sister look like a kid in a candy store just cause she could feed the giraffes with her mouth. To top my very eventful week, I had a friendly date and I got to go to the cinema again. Watched probably the most exciting Marvel movie { Venom } in 3d which made it so surreal for me, it being my first time watching a movie like that.Then later we had a nice dinner in a lovely cafe. I can clearly and boldly say I haven’t had that much fun in ages and it was well deserved. I was extremely grateful for all who made it so eventful and exciting for me. I can proudly say, I was happy .Apart from all the fun I had last week, I also got a breakthrough in my search for an attachment. October surely seems to be working out for me. I recently started this week. For those who know or if I may not have mentioned, I am a counseling psychology student and I recently just completed my first year doing my diploma. I have two more years to go. I got my attachment at a hospital near my place so it’s convenient for me . My working hours too aren’t as hectic and it’s all dandy. Or so it might seem. I am not okay with a lot of things surrounding where I am working and it’s not settling well with me. I would rather keep the name of the hospital anonymous just cause I don’t want to seem like am bashing it directly. I want to bash it indirectly. For starters, there is a lot I am yet to have knowledge on concerning the course I am taking. I literally have like ten to five percent of the knowledge I require to be in the field handling real life clients. I feel inadequate, inexperienced and downright wrong to be put out there to deal with clients facing real life problems and putting their trust in me, a complete amateur in my field. The department of counseling in that hospital looks like a piece of shit. It’s a plain cubicle with only a table and two chairs. For anyone who knows how a counselling room is meant to look, they know that the so called counseling room I’m situated in is a joke. That’s just among the things about the place that’s arking me out. I initially thought that since its school policy for me to get my attachment despite having one to zero knowledge of how to completely handle a client, I would at least be under supervision of some sort. I didn’t think I would have to handle a client all on my own. The supervisor to begin with is hardly ever there ,he wouldn’t have a clue if I missed work or not because he isn’t there to fucking monitor me and guide me like he is meant to be doing…I know I’m supposed to be ecstatic about the fact that I am under no supervision, I don’t have to be responsible for anything or anyone and I can get to spill the little to no knowledge I have to anyones problem as long as I am in the field with the fancy looking lab coats 🤦. I’m honestly frustrated and upset and I don’t want to stay there anymore when I have just been there for two days. You want to know why, I’ll tell you why… I have been on the receiving end of my job. I have been a client before and I still am because every damn day I don’t know if my mind will betray me and I will fall into my depression again. Mental health is beyond me and that goddamned hospital and nobody should be assuming it’s okay to throw an amateur to handle real life cases such as bipolar, suicide, schizophrenia and some real other shitty issues. I can’t just assume that whatever I will spill from my mouth should be good enough to help a client who probably thinks I have the answers to their problems and they trust me enough to be honest and truthful with them. I can’t do that because I would hate if it happened to me. I have gone through some real shit and if I trusted someone and was paying them to help me deal with it and they were spilling whatever came into their heads, I would wanna shoot them with a rifle before considering suing them. I didn’t even sign a confidentiality document to accertain that I wouldn’t spill my guts to anyone concerning the clients. Like the ethical standards of that hospital are pure and utter shit!!!!! The clients cases are filled in a book that looks a lot like a log book. Every client should have their private file and it should be safely kept, not stashed aside like just any other book. Everything about that place is so damn frustrating and I don’t want to be that person who throws everything under the bus just because I can. I love what I want to do and I want to do it right. I intend on seeing my therapist cause of it because I don’t want to feel what am feeling at the moment. I hope that whatever profession you pursue, you do it right. ✌

They Come out to play in the 🌃.

Hey, it’s been a while. I didn’t mean for it to be so long since I wrote ,but well.. Life happens. I am uncertain about what exactly I wanna write about and whether I will have a fin for it. Nothing much has happened and I guess that’s the problem. It’s the problem because when I am idle, my mind turns into a play field for my demons.They have laid low for a while now, they know best to come out and play at night. It gets overwhelming but what can I do, I can’t fight.On some nights, they pull an all nighter on me and all I can do is sit through the torment of wanting to hurt myself and feel how raw pain can get.I don’t know what to do about it and whether I have a shot of not completely self destructing. But the scariest part & probably the most twisted is that I may not want to get rid of them. I have this yearning inside to feel pain, the kind of pain that’s heartwretching. They scream in my mind so loud sometimes and they shout how much I deserve and need this pain. They are like a mermaid’s siren, they sound so enticing yet so dark. I am enthralled by my pain and I don’t know whether to be scared of it or to embrace it.It’s lonely inside. My mind. It’s like a dark void sometimes that doesn’t have life in it. It’s no longer numb, now I seem to crave the pain and self inflicted turmoil going on inside. Maybe it’s because it’s all I have that’s actually mine. Though it seeks a companion. It seeks someone to wrap itself around and envelope. It’s seeks someone to share itself with and probably discuss on how to slowly turn me into a loon over a cup of ‘coffee ‘.It twistedly seeks love but not any kind of love. It seeks a damaged soul just like mine. My demons won’t settle for normal. They yearn for someone dark minded and one who feels just as much as I do. A love so deep yet so deranged. The kind that’s so intoxicating yet too intimate. The kind thats obsessive over each other because they not only relate: they intertwine like a gush of air to dry lungs. It seeks a demon of its own kind. And I hope he is out there, I hope he feels as twisted as I do inside and that my demons are loud enough to call his just so I can finally have someone who understands me without trying to judge or change me because he will know how much comfort pain can give when it’s the only thing you have.Nothing anymore offers me comfort. Nothing anymore is a safe haven for me. Not even my therapist. Nobody understands and am not saying this to sate any cliché messed up life statements people throw around. I say it because it’s what it is. Its exhausting having to explain every darn time so I choose to keep it. Not even my closest partner or roommate sees it. That’s how good i’ve gotten at concealing the darkness that’s inside my mind. It lurks within the walls of my head, careful not to peek beyond it’s boundaries. I no longer have control of my thoughts and all am allowed to feel and draw in is pain and numbness. It’s no longer when I tried or thought I tried fighting it, now, I just wait on it. I won’t tell you what to think of me when any of you will read this. Its no longer my will to keep trying to explain. I have embraced it and maybe if am lucky enough, it will leave on its own and I won’t have to be dragged down to the depths of my self created hell. ✌P.s Don’t be blinded by my smiles on my photos, nobody said anything about demons not being smilers.